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I understand where everyone is coming from saying the kids always come first.
I have a good friend who has been involved with a man who has an ex and 4 adult children. It never fails, every time they plan a trip or activity the ex knows about, the children develop some issue that only Dad can fix. And it usually revolves around Dad cancelling his plans. I've seen it. Exes do use the kids to manipulate their former partner.
I agree the kids are important but all too often they are used by a vindictive ex to drive a wedge in the current relationship. The new SO has rights too and should be treated reasonably.
Kids should always come first. Period. All this drama and stress is exactly why I married someone with NO children...
Absolutely. These kids didn't ask to be born, they didn't ask for their parents to divorce. Their idea of family time is not packing up a bag to go to "visit" their other parent and his/her new spouse every other weekend.
If you cannot be the most selfless, mature human being on the face of the earth until those kids turn 18/and or move out - then move on and find somebody without children. It's not about you.
Absolutely. These kids didn't ask to be born, they didn't ask for their parents to divorce. Their idea of family time is not packing up a bag to go to "visit" their other parent and his/her new spouse every other weekend.
If you cannot be the most selfless, mature human being on the face of the earth until those kids turn 18/and or move out - then move on and find somebody without children. It's not about you.
Yes, but even if the parents divorce and neither one finds a SO, those kids still have to go 'visit' the other parent. That fact has nothing to do with having/not having a new spouse.
And, if someone does get re-married, what do you propose? That the step parent has no contact with those children? Why would that be healthy for anyone involved, unless the new spouse was really out there, which, in that case, the parent of the kids should be more discerning on whom they choose for a new mate.
Yes, but even if the parents divorce and neither one finds a SO, those kids still have to go 'visit' the other parent. That fact has nothing to do with having/not having a new spouse.
And, if someone does get re-married, what do you propose? That the step parent has no contact with those children? Why would that be healthy for anyone involved, unless the new spouse was really out there, which, in that case, the parent of the kids should be more discerning on whom they choose for a new mate.
Yes, the kids still have to go "visit" the other parent. Having a step parent that sees that child as competition will make for a very uncomfortable "visit" and marriage. Having a wimpy, guilt-ridden non-custodial parent will also make for a bad marriage.
Now, where did you get in my post that a step-parent have no contact with the children? If someone remarries, I propose that they find somebody mature and secure and make it clear that their children come first (within reason). If my X were acting like a jackass and trying to manipulate the children against me and my new spouse, there would be counseling and legal effort involved as I think using children is a form of abuse. If my kids were teen-aged and trying this BS on their own, they would not be welcome in my home until they could respect me and my new spouse.
If you get involved with aperson who has children, you need to know that the children come first. Why would you want,a person who would throw the kiddies aside to make you happy. MOst people who do not value their children are certainly not going to value you. If you do not want to make the sacerfice then you need to find someone else. If the guy does not want to put his kids first you need to find someone else. I would say the same thing to a guy. As for the ex why would you evan want to get involved with a mess like that yah, its not your husbands/bf fault but it just puts a strain on you in the long run.
When people are married, and have children of their own, do they compare who comes first - the kids or the spouse? Is there a 'first'? Of course we are responsible to take care of our children in every way, and they are dependent upon us. Spouses are not dependent on us like our children are. I don't get the first - it is 2 different kinds of love, period. You will always (hopefully) live with your spouse, assuming you are with one you love and loves you back. The kids will grow up and move out. I don't think there is a first, I think we have to accept as spouses and parents, we have those additional roles in our lives and all must be given whatever is needed! We are daughters, sisters, spouses, mothers, aunts, stepmoms, friends, workers, ........ there are many roles. A loving wife would never ask her husband not to see his children, she knows they are part of his life......same loving husband wouldn't ask that of his wife if they were both in a second marriage with kids. Step-families can blend and its not easy. Everybody has to know what their roles are and show respect for those roles. It can be tough figuring it out......if the ex makes it harder, the married couple will end up being stronger after they work through it together.........or they weren't really in love to start with. As a step mother I have taken myself out of the picture so he could spend time alone with his child, and I spend time alone with mine....we spend time together with them....and then we ALL spend time together too. Why would a spouse be jealous of a child? That's silly. His child is part of him......how can I not love what is part of the man I love. What could ever make me stop loving my child? Nothing. My love for my children is no different than it was when I was with their father, after I left him, or when I re-married......that is never ever changing. So is the love for my parents, my family. Common sense, ladies!
and Yellowsnow, yep I've had that happen too. But eventually, it comes down to......no this won't work every time. We'll guage the situation and decide if plans need to be delayed or not. If its a true emergency, of course not. Change plans because Tommy and Sally want to go to Mickey D's with dad tonight after we had plans for 2 months to go to a show? Sorry kids, but daddy will take you tomorrow, he has plans.........we just don't tell all our plans!! With cell phones, texting, email thru phones....no reason that he can't be reached if needed.......for the longest time if something 'bad' did happen, that's when no one bothered to tell him. Dad and stepmom are entitled to a night out the same as Dad & Moms are all over the world.......and the trip to Mickey D's can wait till tomorrow night. Spoiling kids isn't good for them, letting them think they can play one against the other, so in the same regard, if its my children who beg us to not go out and take them to Mickey D's.......they have to wait too. Just don't let the ex play that game - after a while she learns and so does the 'he ex' learn to give up on those childish games! Kids know we will always be there for them when they need us, and that we are grownups and are going to have the occasional night out. Exes have to learn their place / role like everyone else.
How does one choose really? It depends on the situation right? Does the new wife with no kids don't need a real chance for the relationship? And should she be the one to sacrifice all the time for fathers and kids to be together? Is that the right thing? Especially if the ex wife is jealous , hateful and still in love with the ex? Causing problems and don't want the new wife anywhere close to her kids? Should there be a choice? Should the wife demand that attention be placed on her and her alone? Or should she sacrifice, humbel herself... and give in? The husband had a choice and left the family. So why she must be the one to sacrifice for his errors?
The new wife or anyone getting into a relationship with someone who has kids needs to look at what she wants out of a relationship
I dated this man, he had this daughter who was almost 21 and it was all about her, she didnt want her dad to be happy.I couldnt even hug him without her acting childish and throwing a fit. She was so immature I wasnt going to compete with that. If he chose not to be happy because his daughter couldnt grow up that was his business. I could see if she was young, but being 21 and jealous is a little too much for me.
I am now dating a man who has 2 teen daughters and you can tell they want their dad to be happy, when I hug him not once do they get jealous.
Why should the ex be jealous if another woman is close to her kids, now thats immature. Why should the man care what his ex thinks, she an ex, not the wife, only the mother to the kids.My boys at a time liked their dad gf, I would take them to the store so they can buy her gifts. My daughters like their dads gf she is nice to them and that Im grateful for.
Now if anyone treated my kids mean I'd step in, I dont have a problem with any woman as long as they treat my kids good
An ex is an ex for a reason, and you shouldnt let him or her dictate your relationship with your new partner.
And depending on the age of your kids comes into factor too, an adult kid shouldnt stop you from being happy, and you shouldnt let your adult kids run your life.
When people are married, and have children of their own, do they compare who comes first - the kids or the spouse? Is there a 'first'? Of course we are responsible to take care of our children in every way, and they are dependent upon us. Spouses are not dependent on us like our children are. I don't get the first - it is 2 different kinds of love, period. You will always (hopefully) live with your spouse, assuming you are with one you love and loves you back. The kids will grow up and move out. I don't think there is a first, I think we have to accept as spouses and parents, we have those additional roles in our lives and all must be given whatever is needed! We are daughters, sisters, spouses, mothers, aunts, stepmoms, friends, workers, ........ there are many roles. A loving wife would never ask her husband not to see his children, she knows they are part of his life......same loving husband wouldn't ask that of his wife if they were both in a second marriage with kids. Step-families can blend and its not easy. Everybody has to know what their roles are and show respect for those roles. It can be tough figuring it out......if the ex makes it harder, the married couple will end up being stronger after they work through it together.........or they weren't really in love to start with. As a step mother I have taken myself out of the picture so he could spend time alone with his child, and I spend time alone with mine....we spend time together with them....and then we ALL spend time together too. Why would a spouse be jealous of a child? That's silly. His child is part of him......how can I not love what is part of the man I love. What could ever make me stop loving my child? Nothing. My love for my children is no different than it was when I was with their father, after I left him, or when I re-married......that is never ever changing. So is the love for my parents, my family. Common sense, ladies!
I agree, My boyfriend is a fulltime dad to 2 beautiful girls, He is a package deal, just like I am. I love the fact that he is a good dad. That attracts me to him more.
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