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Try to remember too that when you ask for information, you are going to get a response you may not want to hear. It's called "be careful what you ask for". I've responded to others who have gone through a similar scenario. In all reality, your hubhy cheated, you want details and you are not going to like anything he has to say and he's not going to be totally honest with you about the affair. Why would he?
If he wasn't honest in the beginning to even say he was thinking of doing this, what makes you think he would all of a sudden have a heart and be honest now?
You are not going to get over this right away and in fact, you may never. Twenty years is a long marriage to all of a sudden have to start questioning if you trust your mate.
Obviously, you trusted him all along and it was he who brought this to your attention because yes, guilt does eat away at some people and they have to get it off of their chest. I guess he deserves some credit for that.
You should re-think if you really want to know the details of this affair though. It may be more than you can handle and may just send you right over the edge and you may never trust him again.
You should seek out counseling and work through it if you can. I don't always think that ALL cheaters fall under the "once a cheat, always a cheat" - although, with some I do feel that is true.
Maybe after 20 years, he got bored - maybe he was in a situation that just had all the right elements.
Maybe your marriage wasn't as strong as you thought - there are going to be a TON of "maybes" but it's worrying about all of those issues instead of moving forward that will either make or break the deal.
Good luck - I feel you pain and have been on both sides. People just do stupid things sometimes for MANY reasons but you deserve whatever it is you want to happen now.
screw that. leave this piece of sh*t now!!! of course he said he wants to forget it and move on. he already got his piece of a** aside from you and was loving it. kick his butt to the curb. i can't believe you said you were worried about driving him away. why are you worried about anything like that. if for some stupid reason you stay with him you should have him licking the bottom of your feet everynight before you shower.
I'm still going through it after finding out nearly a year ago. It's strange - it's not really the cheating. It's the lies surrounding the cheating. I mean, if he had told me immediately that it happened, I could forgive, and hopefully one day forget. But it's all the little lies - not being where he told me he was, using his family to cover up for him, telling me this girl "was after him" and nothing happened, etc.
Now, not only can I NOT trust, but I feel everything he says is either an out & out lie, or a twist of the truth to suit his purpose. That's what I can't get over.
And yes - I believe he would still be in this other relationship and lying to me if he hadn't got caught.
My heart breaks for you, as I too have dealt with marital infidelity. At this time, I am sure marital therapy is crucial if you want to save your marriage. My first marriage did not survive, so I do not have life experience on how to put back the pieces. I admire you greatly for honoring your vows and attempting to forgive.
Despite accepting the divorce my first husband asked for, and seeing that his character was very flawed and moving on to a happy second marriage a few years later, the pain of betrayal and rejection was very hard for me. I had recurring nightmares,would cry when my new husband noticed other girls( despite never having been the jealous type) and other unpleasant thoughts that were just not me.It took years for me to work through all this crap.
You are not going crazy! All of your emotions are the byproduct of what you have been through. The thing about affairs people often forget, is that things are not right for a long time before the affair is outed. The whole dynamic has been changed, maybe in how he has looked at you, talked to you, made love to you even though you had no idea why .Women are very intuitive, and my guess is you have been insecure for years without knowing why. My husband became very critical of me, and when I got one "problem" solved he came up with another.
However you deal with this situation, please know that the affair he had was about HIS male insecurities and HIS issues.You can look in the mirror with self respect , and hold your head high. Healing takes time, and sure, finding out what his unmet(?) needs were is probably something I would ask in your situation. But please take back your self respect and come from a place that he is darn lucky you have chosen to stay. Time will tell if he is lucky and smart enough to keep you or not.
Knowing more details will not help you forget sooner. What you really need is to be sure of your husband's love again. On the plus side, he confessed because he felt guilty. That does say something about the kind of man he is and should help you to put this in the past.
On the down side, he relieved his own guilt by laying the garbage on you. If you had no idea and hadn't questioned him, then he could have just ended it and recommitted himself to you and your marriage. I know most people say the cheater should confess but part of me would rather he live with his guilty conscience, kind of as punishment, and devote himself to making (the spouse) his top priority.
You're never going to forget that this happened. You forgive him as a gift to yourself and then you let time and your husband's love wear away the pain associated with the memory. Really, eventually you will remember that it happened but there will be no jealousy, no curiosity about the details, no aching.
Whats good for the goose is good for the gander. Time to sow your own oats. Paybacks a B****!
Of course he wants you to move on and just forget about it. What an A$$HOLE! You go have some fun then tell him about it, then say "I don't want to talk about it lets just move on" and see how he takes it. I say go *********r brains out and make sure its with one of his best buddies.
That should say screw and then your, but it will not post.
I recented found out my spouse cheated on me. As you can imagine is the worsted thing you can go through. He confessed it to me, because he said he could not live lying to me any longer. Well I knew something was wrong but was in the deniel. He said he wants to forget about all that and wants to start all over again. But I can't seem to forget and wonder who this other person is. Everytime we're together I wonder if he still loves me. I keep bringing up what happened between him and this person. I'm I going crazy?
Will this pass or will it drive him away again? Please help!!!
Note been married for 20 years. Help!!!
This is a f up situation. If you decide to stay you need to not bring this up all of the time, just from the frame of mind that you need to move forward.
I'm still going through it after finding out nearly a year ago. It's strange - it's not really the cheating. It's the lies surrounding the cheating. I mean, if he had told me immediately that it happened, I could forgive, and hopefully one day forget. But it's all the little lies - not being where he told me he was, using his family to cover up for him, telling me this girl "was after him" and nothing happened, etc.
Now, not only can I NOT trust, but I feel everything he says is either an out & out lie, or a twist of the truth to suit his purpose. That's what I can't get over.
And yes - I believe he would still be in this other relationship and lying to me if he hadn't got caught.
1) I hate to say this, but spouses who cheat generally are repeat offenders.
2) I would think some time apart would be a thought. It allows you to carefully what shape you want your relationship to take and it may also be the 'out' you mate is after but can't say to your face.
3) At this point in time, do what's best for you and not him.
ditto
lying and cheating are like ham and eggs
and to be good at it you gota stay in practice
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You go have some fun then tell him about it, then say "I don't want to talk about it lets just move on" and see how he takes it. I say go *********r brains out and make sure its with one of his best buddies.
