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I have not read all of these and someone may have hit on this already. I've been dealing with the same type of man in my life for the past 3 years. I have not gotten pregnant thank God, and he was never abusive physically. However, the mental control these guys have is unbelievable. I never considered myself weak or needy by any means. I have always been very independent. But they know just when to apologize and they know exactly what you need to hear to want to help them instead of leave them! I also was like his mother. I worried about him like he was a child, corrected him, took care of him.. he had a way of making me believe I was saving him from himself and all of his bad habits. But in reality, he was just keeping me around for his own selfish reasons. He had no desire to change. He (and yours too) is a grown ass man, they can take care of themselves and SHOULD the first time you tell them its hurting you!!! I would have changed anything on my end for that relationship... he did not attempt to correct one bad habit or even compromise! Eventually, he used me to get anything and everything he ever wanted. I believe they are selfish and disrespectful and dangerously controlling although you don't even want to believe it! Nothing is harder than leaving. But if you do this for yourself, in a couple of years or maybe less, you will know it was the best choice you've ever made. Also learn from this experience. KNOW next time what NOT to get yourself into. KNOW next time WHEN to leave. I'm dealing with the same thing. The hardest thing after leaving them, is not allowing them to crawl back into your life. Do it for your child if you can't do it for yourself. Best of luck to you!
Its almost like you've picked up my ex off the street. He too had migraines, severely A.D.D. which he tried to control with beer, and he blacked out when he severely beat me and broke my nose, dislocated my jaw. All because I told him to move out when I found he was hanging with Strippers. No, I'm not low class. Yes, you will eventually get beaten if this continues. Their rage? They feed off of it, and they are threatened by your mind...your strength to fight them. The stronger you act, the more he will rage. And, until he gets help through abuse classes, you need to move out for the safety of you and your child. Don't wait, don't trust him. If I need to send you photos of my bloody raw face 4 years ago...I will. Trust me, this didn't stop and I didn't say no until he look a belt to his 4 year old and turned him back and blue. I never even saw him do it, I just found the little guy hiding in his room for 2 days. Don't wait. Please.
Cover your A_ _ . If you are not on med insurance, go to your local planned parenthood or google search prenatal centers/free pregnancy clinics, which can provide a form to get emergency Medicaid for your child. Once the baby is born, the insurance will transfer to the child, but until then you are covered for prenatal care under the babies plan. Then, see if you can get out of the county line. Once you are in another county, find the local hospital which fits under your plan. IF you need a place to stay, there are TONS of abuse centers to stay at until you can get a local job. When you have that child, do not put the father's last name on it or your own, otherwise the child will become his "property" to abuse. You can sign a waiver to not have his name on the child's birth certificate. Trust me on this: Your MAN-boy is Wonderful with kids, right? It's because he has 100% control. When that child gets a voice, and can defend??? Pretty daddy is all over~ he will switch like a light. I've seen it. It's not pretty. I bet he's good with pets too, but watch carefully when the pet gets out of line, and how he reacts.
I would worry about that migraine problem, your personal violence problem, and baby safety.
I had migraines really bad when I was younger. I dont remember it but I guess I got violent. And I remember kicking and rolling on the floor and screaming and telling people to get away. But I dont remember hitting people. I got these white outs where I couldnt see. Yeh..its was some intense pain for a 10 year old.
I dont know how I could handle a newborn screeching if I had a headache like that.
Just because it throws your perception off. He could pick it up and squeeze or shake it without really knowing he was doing that.
If you stay together and fix this...I think you should make that the rule. No baby handling with headaches. I dont think he's mind it.
I agree! I'm 27 and I'd move back home with my mommy if it meant that or raising my child in a bad environment
I am 27 and I do not have the same situation you do because I am not pregnant but had and abusive BF so moved back home. (Yes with mommy) It would be safer for you and you child. You don't want to have your daughter dealing with his anger.
Raising your daughter is this kind of environment would be very harmful to her. It is far better to raise her without a father in the home than to raise her in a home with two people yelling and fighting all the time. See, this is the problem I have with the "stay for the sake of the kids" mentality. You usually aren't doing them any favors.
He sounds very unstable. Make a plan, get some support and leave. Get a divorce, raise your daughter and find a man who will treat you and your daughter with love and respect.
To the OP: I disagree with many of the above posts -- they may be right, but I don't see how they can be so sure. I'm not even going to try to tell you whether you should stay or not, because I think it is absurd to think that anyone could definitively say whether a marriage should be ended based upon a few posts in a forum like this, unless the case was really clear cut, which this case certainly is not. Like you, though, I think marriage is a serious commitment, especially when a child is on the way, so unless you are sure you have good reasons for a divorce, you should stay. But here are some things to think about that might help you make up your mind:
--What do you consider to be good reasons for divorce? Abuse, infidelity, and addictions seem to me to be the most obvious, but your husband hasn't done any of these things--yet. The fact that your husband punches holes in walls doesn't mean he's going to start punching you or your child. If he only vents his rage on inanimate objects, then he's not an abuser.
--You are afraid he might become abusive later. Has he acted violently towards living things, or just walls and doors? Does he get in fights? Is he cruel to animals? Does he show a lack of empathy for others' suffering?
--What kind of "moral compass" does he have in general? Does he take responsibility for his actions? Does he act like he thinks he can do whatever he wants as long as he doesn't get caught?
--How does he feel about becoming a father? Is he excited? Happy? Nervous? Angry? Resentful? How did he react when you told him you were pregnant?
--If his migraines are so painful, why isn't he taking his meds? Maybe this is some sort of passive-agressive swipe at you. He resents being told what to do, so he doesn't take his meds, even though he's just cutting off his nose to spite his face when he does that. It does not sound like he's controlling you, as another poster suggested. It sounds like the two of you are still struggling to see who's going to call the shots.
--You were together for three years before you got married. What did you see in him that made you want to marry him in the first place? Is it still there? Has he changed drastically in the last year?
--Why did the two of you get married when you did? Did one of you have to pressure the other into it? Was one of you trying to keep the other one from slipping away? Or was a mutual decision that you were both happy about (at the time, at least)?
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