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Location: When things get hot they expand. Im not fat. Im hot.
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Just my own observations. Abusive people usually dont change unless theyre forced to change. There has to be some sort of serious consequences. I mean things are comfortable for them so why change.
My husband and I both grew up in abusive homes so Ive had a front row seat.. His Mom sayed with his Dad even tho he verbally and physically abused her and the kids and cheated on her frequently. My Mom went thru a series of them. Cheating was a deal breaker with her. Anything else she would put up with tho. I was farmed out to various other relatives a lot so I was able to escape.
JMO. I think good/bad behavior can be learned. Kids see it and they think this is the way youre supposed to treat your SO. Do I think my husband has his father in him. Yes I do. Do I have my Mom in there some place. Probably. But Ive learned from her mistakes. If you cant be a good example then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. I think theres a point in the relationship where they unconciously test you to see where the balance of power will fall. If you act like a doormat people will wipe their feet on you.
I grew up in a family that was always at full-tilt, alotta yelling, alotta arguing, no physical stuff, just emotional, but that can wear on a kid as well. I didn't realize how much it had effected me until I had a daughter. One day, when she was not even two years old, I yelled at her. Not out of anger but out of fear; she was ready to pick something up or do something that could hurt her so I reacted, urgently and loudly, and as I write this I can still see the shock on her face, that that kind of negative energy could be coming from the same person that up until then had shown her nothing but love...
Those big brown eyes locked on me, her mouth hung open, and at that very moment I realized that was not going to work, that that was not the way to communicate with anybody, let alone a vulnerable, impressionable child. Tell you the truth, it wasn't until then that I figured out there was something a little bit off with my upbringing, that there was a different way to conduct yourself, and that I did have some baggage I needed to unload. Ten years later and I think I have. At least where my kids are concerned, I have changed. All of us to some extent are the products of our childhoods. And I can only imagine how difficult it is to shake off a truly abusive one so you can be whole. I suspect only the strongest, smartest and healthiest of them can do it.
I grew up in a family that was always at full-tilt, alotta yelling, alotta arguing, no physical stuff, just emotional, but that can wear on a kid as well. I didn't realize how much it had effected me until I had a daughter. One day, when she was not even two years old, I yelled at her. Not out of anger but out of fear; she was ready to pick something up or do something that could hurt her so I reacted, urgently and loudly, and as I write this I can still see the shock on her face, that that kind of negative energy could be coming from the same person that up until then had shown her nothing but love...
Those big brown eyes locked on me, her mouth hung open, and at that very moment I realized that was not going to work, that that was not the way to communicate with anybody, let alone a vulnerable, impressionable child. Tell you the truth, it wasn't until then that I figured out there was something a little bit off with my upbringing, that there was a different way to conduct yourself, and that I did have some baggage I needed to unload. Ten years later and I think I have. At least where my kids are concerned, I have changed. All of us to some extent are the products of our childhoods. And I can only imagine how difficult it is to shake off a truly abusive one so you can be whole. I suspect only the strongest, smartest and healthiest of them can do it.
What an instructive comment is this! Thank you for writing it, and being willing to be a little vulnerable here. Isn't it amazing that a single point in time can be so instructive for what the next step should be. Kudos to you for working on that.
aaauger wrote: .. But ultimately they usually think their behavior is fully justified.
Bingo. It all boils down to that. YOU caused him to lose his temper. Despite what he says when he's trying to make up, when he verbally or physically assaults you, it's because YOU forced him to do it. If YOU'd just change, HE'd be ok. HE really believes that and, usually (if you stay with him) YOU believe it too.
Most men who are abusive will not be abusive if they are entertained. Yes, we all have our issues here and there but some men act like we were their equal. if you try doing little things and finding thur inner child. (not bitching but letting loose a little) and going out with them. or rinking just do embarrising things and talk however and whatever is on your mind and it will relax them. but this is my opinion. and i think they can change they are just irritated easily and us woman continue to Nag nag nag. and it fires them up like no other.
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Grit-ball.
