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I sort of agree with sms. I agree but for different reasons. Your husband is wrong in saying that it's you that doesn't make him feel man enough. That's a personal problem. It's not up to you to make him a man.
And I read the job thing differently than sms: What I read was that the husband wants her to help him find work, which I just find ludicrous. What, you aren't capable of finding your own job? Is your wifey supposed to go and fill out apps for you??? WTF?
If that's what the OP's husband wants her to do (help him find a job), then I agree with East -- it's HIS job to find HIMSELF a job!!! Not only it's a manly thing to do, it's what individuals do! Last time I check, the OP is not his Mother.
sms: I'm not sure if that's what she's saying, it's just what I read. That's the beauty of these forums, it allows everyone to see things from different perspectives. So, OP, can you confirm?
I sort of agree with sms. I agree but for different reasons. Your husband is wrong in saying that it's you that doesn't make him feel man enough. That's a personal problem. It's not up to you to make him a man.
And I read the job thing differently than sms: What I read was that the husband wants her to help him find work, which I just find ludicrous. What, you aren't capable of finding your own job? Is your wifey supposed to go and fill out apps for you??? WTF?
And that's exactly what he meant. He wants me to help him. I've always been a heavily driven person. His lack of motivation is a real turn off to me at this point. I'm a strong believer that if you're not happy doing something, you are the only one that can change your situation and make it better. He's not doing that. He's unhappy and trying to find someone to blame for it.
My kids aren't really old enough to work. My daughter is 14 and my son is 15. He's really struggling in school right now and I'd rather have him concentrate on school than have to worry about getting a job.
It's just not fair. I feel like I make sacrifices daily for the entire family. I work, I come home, cook, manage the house, etc. If the kids need to go to the drs., or have an issue in school, i'm there. He's not doing that and I feel like he's acting like a child.
I love him, but i'm not in love with him. The more I type, the more angry I become, and the more I just don't want to be with him. I've tried talking to him, but I know that I can't solve his personal problems, I can only be there for him. He needs to take more initiative and he's not.
I think you both need to work together to make it through. I know that going through financial troubles will bring about a lot of stress and fighting. I agree, you need to get rid of one of your cars. You can't have two car payments. Take it back as a voluntary repo. Since you are almost paid off on your loan, I would put anything extra into the principal of that loan. If your children are in high school and can get a part time job to help out that would be a good idea too. I would take your next income tax check and go buy a cheap but reliable car. It can be done. I recently bought a car for $1500 and it runs good. I also out earn my husband, always have, but that is just something we have to live with. Why are you getting the second job?? He should be the one doing that not you.
Have you thought about doing maybe some direct sales, like Tupperware or Avon?
I know I have done that in the past and made some pretty good money with not a lot of work. Those two companies have low start ups. I put myself through college doing direct sales.
Just a thought.
Leilani: What will hurt your credit? You mean returning the car as a repo? You might not have to do that depending on when you bought it. It sure beats going under financially as that'll surely ruin your credit. Pick the worst of the two evils I suppose.
I'm a huge proponent of therapy. It saved me and my DH last year. We've had rough spots since then but it's been easier to get back on track and I'm much more hopeful now as time goes on. If you have health insurance, often it includes mental health. Ours covered us for up to 20 visits. And that's all we needed. And the guy we saw was willing to give us 40 visits, 20 for each person was how he was going to bill us.
I don't want your marriage to end, especially for your kids' sake. Although sometimes if the marriage is really bad it's worse for the kids. The more I read your posts, the more I think you could really benefit from a therapist. It was my DH who suggested it and at first I was skeptical but I went along with it. Soon, I realized it wasn't a shrink we were seeing, but more like a moderator. Having a third person with no ulterior motives express his views was really helpful.
Since I'm spilling my guts and putting it all out there. I'm also going to add that for the last month when he works late, he's been coming home drunk and on a couple of occations he's been very mean to me.
When I have a couple of glasses of wine, I get happy. I don't understand why he's getting so mean.
I just don't know where to turn. Because of my mother's old fashioned values, she'd tell me to "stick by my man" and to basically deal with it.
Reads a bit like what I call "problem soup." Seems there are 2 distinct issues: the finances & the relationship. Though obviously related, my suggestion would to approach the problem from BOTH angles (almost like 2 different lists)--I find properly delineating the problem helps me to find a better solution, and keep the emotions in their appropriate place.
I have a few thoughts--my first thought being that times ARE tough for people right now... things ARE getting tighter, and you are not the only one experiencing this....
Cable/internet/phone at $160 per month--is all this really necessary? Can cable be cut to basic cable? Do you have cell phones that you also use? Is the library (or local coffee shop with free wi-fi) an option for internet? Switch to dial-up internet? If you're the one paying for it, it seems that you would be able to make this decision if need be. If your kids need internet for school-related stuff, they should have access at school or a local library. Or, they could make a small contribution (babysitting, paper-route) towards an internet service. I bet you could pick up an extra $100/month there, which might save you from dipping into your savings.
Having just reread the thread--and seeing your latest (9:40) post--I'm going to suggest you look into something called AlAnon. I am suggesting this because it sounds like his drinking is affecting you, and AlAnon is for people who are--or have been--affected by someone else's drinking. You will find people there who have gone through similar things, and they can share their experiences with you. Talking to your mother may not be helpful, but talking to others who have gone through it too can be. AlAnon is free, unless you decide to make a donation (typically $1, but only if you can afford it).
When some people drink, they get mean, or neglectful--others do not.
When I read your statement "he's been coming home drunk and on a couple of occations he's been very mean to me" I want to ask you whether or not you are feeling physically safe?
Last edited by SomeThings; 09-19-2008 at 11:05 AM..
Reason: afterthought...
I try to refrain from arguing with him when he comes home after drinking. I'm not the type of person to sit and let someone talk to me like this and it takes a lot to hold my tongue back. I just know that he's impaired and people tend to do stupid things when they've been drinking. I don't want it to escelate out of control. This hurts me.
As far as the cable/internet/phone. It's a bundled package. I suppose that I can cut this package. It's just the type of person that I am. I want my kids to feel comfortable when they're home. We live in a very urban area, and knowing the type of family i've come from, I don't want them to have to go anywhere else to fullfill what they can't at home. I'm very protective of them and have issues with them going over friends houses. I guess maybe it's an issue that I have and maybe i'm not seeing the full picture clearly. I didn't have the best upbringing and it does affect the way I parent today. I feel like I try extra hard at parenting at times because I didn't have the stability growing up and it's almost like I try hard to be extra stable.
I'm finding that I'm doing some real heavy soul searching lately and I feel completely confused.
I've often joked that if we were to lose our jobs, cable would be the first to go. But seriously, cable should be first. I can see holding onto internet if you can just for job hunting sake. But you can even find ways around that.
I think he's probably drinking as an escape. Check on the therapy, it'll really help. It's not just about talking things out, but having a professional help you guys form a plan.
Just crossed your post: Try not to do anything rash. Think carefully and rationally. Maybe you could get the kids out for the weekend or at least one night so you could have a talk with the husband. Try to schedule it with him. Approach it like: We are having some tough times, I love you, can we talk??
i'm having some issues with my marriage right now. It's really all financial. I make about $51,000 per year as a Marketing Coordinator. I have a batchelors degree and feel that i'm totally under paid. I'm 35 and he's 39. We've been together since we were in high school and have 2 children together. He's a line chef at an upscale social club and right now he's making only $15/hour. He's not getting a lot of hours and I feel I'm carrying the bulk of the responsibilities at home. He gets frustrated because he said i don't make him feel "man" enough. It's really putting a strain on our relationship. I'm starting to feel completely overwhelmed with the bills and everything else. Not to mention our children are in high school.
He's working for a non-profit agency, so he doesn't get over-time. We're renting a two bedroom apartment and trying to save money to buy a house, but it's starting to get harder and harder to save. The rent is $975/month with heat and hot water included. We're financing two cars right now, a honda accord and a ford windstar ($350 & $320/month for each), insurance for both cars is about $200/month. I have a year and a half left on my loan and he's just started his. Then there's insurance for the family that i'm paying for ($265/pay check), lights - $60 - $100/month, groceries - $400/month, gas (for me anyway) - $50 - $60/week, credit card bills are down to $150/month, phone/cable/internet - $160/month.
I have no money left and i'm dipping into my savings left and right. I just had to pay $500 to fix my van and i just don't know what to do right now. I told him he needed to find another job, but he said that I need to help him. How hard can that be? I applied for a waitressing job and start next Tuesday. I'm tired of waiting around thinking that money's just going to appear from somewhere.
Lots of problems. Would his job and salary still be an issue if he was working full time hours? Is this a profession he enjoys? I am always hesitant to tell someone to find a different job IF they love the one they have AND are working full time. But he obviously needs to be pulling in more hours. AND as you know, it isn't YOUR job to find him a different one. But are you doing or saying anything that makes him question his manhood?
He needs to get rid of his new car. He cannot afford it and neither can you. He made a decision that neither you or he can afford and since you work full time and need to drive for work HE is the one to take the hit and drive either a scooter (weather would most likely make this a bad option) or buy a used car for less than 2K. Insurance would go down if not financing TWO new cars.
It sounds like counseling is in order as a couple and separately. Could you afford to be a single parent and could he come after you for support since you are the main breadwinner? He doesn't bring in a ton of money but would you be better or worse off if he left?
The problem doesn't sound all financial. Maybe that is a huge factor but lack of respect for him is also an issue. You said you have most of the responsibility at home. Doe this mean he doesn't help with cooking/cleaning/taking care of kids? If this is part of the problem you are going to get even more overwhelmed since taking on the second job. What you don't want to happen is getting so frustrated and angry you snap.
Good luck. I am sure it isn't easy and sounds like it could get harder before a resolution is found.
Jill
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