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I am starting to realize that I'm too dependent on my husband. Does anyone else feel this way? I realized tonight how large this problem has become. A big part of it is I just don't feel comfortable in my city--we moved here two years ago and it still doesn't feel like home and I don't know my way around. Another big part of it is that my husband is gone a lot, and I am alone all the time and have no one to call if there's a problem--and this makes me very anxious. Also, I'm very far from family, which also makes me feel a bit anxious.
The funny thing is that I'd lived on my own for four years after college before moving in with my husband, so I have experience living on my own in a new city, living alone in my own place, and being completely independent. But for some reason now I no longer have the self-confidence to be independent like I used to be, and I don't know how to get that back.
Alot of women are in your situation...being too dependent. Ii dont know what happends to women once they decide to go from "I" to "We". Dont get me wrong its good for people to become "we" but most women I know just totally give thenselves up just to be in a "we" situation. Maybe its in our DNA or something because I dont see this happen to guys alot. Usually they maintain their lives in a relationship. Its usually women giving things up in order to make it work. Did you want to move to the city you currently live in? Or was that just the easier thing to do? Do you want to leave this city? Have you expressed this to your husband? Maybe you just need to be in an environment that is good for you. Maybe the city you are in youve out grown and you need to be closer to those you love.
Also, in case I was way off with the location...why not try and do things that make you happy. Things that you can do by yourself maybe in your city, or that will help you meet new friends. Invest in a gps....garmin, tom tom are the best...you'll never get lost again
I just moved to a new city myself. I know where you are coming from. What has helped me start to fit in is getting out. Get a job or volunteer. It 's a great way to meet people. Explore your city. Get a map or like the above poster said a Tom Tom. Make yourself get out as much as you can. Do you have kids? If you do, get active in the schools or take them to the park. Talk to other people. You have to make yourself available if you want to meet people and make new friends. The more involved you are the less you will be dependent on your husband for your every need.
I dont know if this is the same situation with you. You didnt mention whether you work or have kids. I went through this same thing when I became a SAHM 1 yr after marriage. Moving to a new city etc...
It took me about 2 yrs to figure out what happened to me and another aprox 2yrs to rediscover myself and become independent again. Hopefully it wont take you that long. I had become totally dependent on my hubby and totally lost who I was, hopefully you are not that bad off.
first thing I did was take a couple of classes with other adults. I also started researching home improvement and how to fix things. I started tackling things on my own, not caring if I messed it up. now I am totally independent again (all except the computer stuff haha). The school and parks is a great idea too. you didnt mention kids though. I tried the playgroup thing but that wasnt for me, to much like hs drama.
hope that helps a little.
I agree with YBF and VBmom. You should get out more. Buy a GPS and venture out. Join the gym or take classes. How do you feel about having a get together with the neighbors??
I really love our city (Washington, DC) and we decided to move here together. It's just that I don't feel comfortable here, not sure if that makes sense. I don't have any sense of community with the area or feel like I belong here, and we don't know many people here (and don't have any friends here), and for some reason, even after two years, I still don't know my way around very well. We're trying to decide right now whether or not we're going to stay or leave. We're making these decisions together, and these decisions aren't the problem--it's more the day to day where I feel too dependent on my husband. He works 70 hours a week and has his own extra-curricular activities a few nights a week on top of that.
No, we don't have any kids, and I do work part-time. I think a big part of why I don't seem to have the self-confidence to feel independent is because of my work history. After graduate school, I ended up in a series of very entry-level, very low-paying jobs, because I ended up not wanting to work in the field that my graduate degree is in. As a result, I never had significant responsibility in these jobs, and I never got to be a decision-maker. I think this is a big part of why my self-confidence is so low. I realized this last night. Now, I'm hopefully on a path to get out of this cycle of entry-level jobs, but right now I'm in another one.
I've read a ton of your threads over the past few months. And my advice is always the same to you: Grow up.
Honest to God. Do you read your own threads? Snap out of it. There are people out there in the world who are dealing with real problems, not this manufactured existential crisis that you are going through. There are people losing their homes, fighting cancer, or dealing with some other horror show in their lives. And yet they buckle down and deal with it.
You? You've got a hard-working husband. You work part-time. Heck, you don't even have kids to suck up your free time. You have a graduate degree, and all you can do is mess around doing part-time scut work. You have zero responsibilities, zero purpose, and don't seem to have the basic initiative to do anything about it. Yet you live in a nice home in one of the world's great cities with all the free time in the world to change your life. Do you realize how many people would give just about anything for the life you have?
Instead, you come on here and whine about your life. Well, get over it. Quit mewling about your miserable life--because you are the one who is making it that way. Get off your lazy butt and start finding purpose. Because as it stands, you're squandering an incredible opportunity, and you will hate yourself later in life for having done it.
I've read a ton of your threads over the past few months. And my advice is always the same to you: Grow up.
Honest to God. Do you read your own threads? Snap out of it. There are people out there in the world who are dealing with real problems, not this manufactured existential crisis that you are going through. There are people losing their homes, fighting cancer, or dealing with some other horror show in their lives. And yet they buckle down and deal with it. Unfortunately, with no social support and my hubby being gone all the time, I am having a hard time dealing with it.
You? You've got a hard-working husband. You work part-time. Heck, you don't even have kids to suck up your free time. You have a graduate degree, and all you can do is mess around doing part-time scut work. You have zero responsibilities, zero purpose, and don't seem to have the basic initiative to do anything about it. Yet you live in a nice home in one of the world's great cities with all the free time in the world to change your life. Do you realize how many people would give just about anything for the life you have?
Instead, you come on here and whine about your life. Well, get over it. Quit mewling about your miserable life--because you are the one who is making it that way. Get off your lazy butt and start finding purpose. Because as it stands, you're squandering an incredible opportunity, and you will hate yourself later in life for having done it.
Again. Quit being a baby. Grow the heck up.
Some of what you're saying is true, some of it is not. I tried very hard to find good jobs after grad school--but was not able to land the kind of jobs I was interested in, so instead I took what I was able to get in order to support us while my husband was in grad school. Finding a good job is not easy, and many times you can't get what you want, so you have to settle. It's not like I have the option of moving anywhere for a job--I have to stay here.
I am in a rut that I cannot get out of. I have a lot of stress in my life right now, which is making this rut worse. Most of that stress I have never mentioned here on City Data, so you really have no idea. But there's nothing to be done about it but get through it.
I don't think I'm squandering an amazing opportunity in living here. I love living here, but at the same time am not comfortable here. I go out all the time, take advantage of all the city has to offer, however, it's always alone. I have joined some social groups and go to events. That doesn't change the feelings I'm having though, and I'd like to figure out how to not feel so dependent on my husband. Yes, I could quit my current part-time job and get a full-time job, but most likely, it would be yet another boring scut work job that I have so many of on my resume. At least working part-time in a boring, scut work job is better than working full-time in one.
I know I need to find a sense of purpose. I am trying as hard as I can to figure this out. Posting on City Data makes me feel better, because I don't have anyone to talk to about this. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I like hearing others' viewpoints.
Some of what you're saying is true, some of it is not. I tried very hard to find good jobs after grad school--but was not able to land the kind of jobs I was interested in, so instead I took what I was able to get in order to support us while my husband was in grad school. Finding a good job is not easy, and many times you can't get what you want, so you have to settle. It's not like I have the option of moving anywhere for a job--I have to stay here.
I am in a rut that I cannot get out of. I have a lot of stress in my life right now, which is making this rut worse. Most of that stress I have never mentioned here on City Data, so you really have no idea. But there's nothing to be done about it but get through it.
I don't think I'm squandering an amazing opportunity in living here. I love living here, but at the same time am not comfortable here. I go out all the time, take advantage of all the city has to offer, however, it's always alone. I have joined some social groups and go to events. That doesn't change the feelings I'm having though, and I'd like to figure out how to not feel so dependent on my husband. Yes, I could quit my current part-time job and get a full-time job, but most likely, it would be yet another boring scut work job that I have so many of on my resume. At least working part-time in a boring, scut work job is better than working full-time in one.
I know I need to find a sense of purpose. I am trying as hard as I can to figure this out. Posting on City Data makes me feel better, because I don't have anyone to talk to about this. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I like hearing others' viewpoints.
Oh. So you gave up. But, based on reading your past threads, your version of "trying very hard" probably differs significantly from the rest of us. I think your interpretation of "trying very hard" means making a token attempt and not trying any more. That's too bad because, in any endeavor, persistence is the key to success.
Let's see. If I remember past threads correctly:
-- You worked a part time job but couldn't manage to get the housework done.
-- You kind of made an attempt at making friends but, golly, that's too much work.
-- You couldn't find a job doing exactly what you want, so you just resign yourself to doing a bunch of entry level things and then wonder why you're bored to tears.
Now, you're talking about this unspecified stress in your life that's keeping you down. What is it? We'd really like to know. Because if all you're doing is working a part-time job with no demands, then I'd really hate to see how you'll manage life juggling a real job, a couple of kids and their activities, and true financial strain. Seriously. There are people on this board who are dealing with major stuff in their life. You, on the other hand, are encountering minor speed bumps in life and buckling under the strain. Toughen up. Did your parents never tell you that life wasn't fair, and that you needed to learn how to take on the world?
Life isn't waiting on you. You've got to go out there and make it happen. I know I'm giving you a dose of tough love. But most people on this board would kill to have your limited number of problems. Because everybody has their struggles in life. And, compared to just about everybody else's, yours just ain't that bad.
Oh, and one other thing. You don't discover your purpose and then work at it. Instead, you work and then discover your purpose. Contemplating your navel on a message board isn't helping you one cotton-picking bit.
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now I am totally independent again (all except the computer stuff haha). The school and parks is a great idea too. you didnt mention kids though. I tried the playgroup thing but that wasnt for me, to much like hs drama.
