Friends after break-up? (marriage, girl, lover, family)

[professorsenator]

Originally Posted by sierraAZ

I know I'm repeating myself as this topic has been discussed many times before, but with so many people available not carrying this emotional baggage, why would you want to remain "friends" with an ex? Being civil is different... I've no problem with being civil when seeing each other, particularly if children are involved. IMO, if you were such great friends, you'd still be a couple because usually the friendship goes away (or it never existed), not the attraction. Getting this out of the way, what other reason is there for being "friends" other than one half of the couple hoping for things to go back to a relationship?!

sierraAZ is 100% correct

[YBF]

Originally Posted by Grainraiser

I have stayed friends with most of my ex's. It really depends on the reason for the break up. If it was mutual we can become friends after a couple months. If it was ugly I can still become friends with you but it's gonna take much longer. I am the type of person who does on hold grudges so I move forward with my life while wishing the best in theirs. When I can see you date someone else and not be upset, is when we can become friends.

I dont think its about grudges...its about being realistic. What do you consider a friend? Can you call these ex's in time of need ......if you need a shoulder to lean on, a hand to hold? I really doubt that. (Good for you if I'm wrong) Being civil/social to an ex is not what I call a friendship. Friends, most of the time, are the ppl you look to before family. For me an ex will most likely never be that unless maybe we were really good friends to begin with.

[3pointone4]

Originally Posted by YBF

This was exactly my point!!!! Usually the friendship was never there just attraction.....

Yes! and having JUST the attraction is not going to cut it. I have learned that the hard way (as many others have too). Why do we all have to learn that the hard way? Because we all try to date people that we are INITIALLY attracted to BEFORE we ever actually got to know them. You've GOT to have a good compatibility level between you and your mate if you want it to last. Because the looks only hold it together for only so long. The hard part is finding both in the same person!

[sierraAZ]

Originally Posted by 3pointone4

Because the looks only hold it together for only so long.

It's not only about looks, or at least not about conventionally good looks. The genetic material and prior experiences play a huge part in the initial attraction on subconscious level. We all are drawn to the familiar... no matter how destructive the familiar may be.

The hard part is finding both in the same person!

I'm leaning toward calling it an impossible part.

[dragonfly0428]

I just broke up with my BF. It's a long story, but I am way too angry right now to be his friend. I know I would say or do something that would hurt him, out of this anger. So I prefer he give me my distance.

Down the road? Maybe. But I don't know how much time I need. Plus, if he ends up with what broke us up, then I don't want anything to do with him...ever. Either of them

By the way, we were friends first...best friends. He tossed that away before our relationship ended. 'nuff said.

[crh1980]

Well I tried to be friends with my ex simply because she begged and pleaded with me she once said "im not in love with you" then went and said "well my dad doesnt want me dating black men" (Found out later her dad not only knew I was black but thought of

[crh1980]

Well I tried to be friends with my ex simply because she begged and pleaded with me she once said "im not in love with you" then went and said "well my dad doesnt want me dating black men" (Found out later her dad not only knew I was black but thought of me in high regards) Anyways from experience she ALWAYS got upset or jealous if a girl talked to me even when my ex asked her if I would take her back she said "No!!Because I am not over him and you cant have him"

And she tried to make me jealous if she saw a girl give me her number or vice versa, this is what makes me mad about people if you dont want the person why care who they date, what im supposed to cry over someone who clearly doesnt deserve it?

[TKramar]

Originally Posted by Anu2

I was dating someone long distance for about 8 months before we finally broke up a few weeks ago. I was pretty upset about the whole thing as I really did like him but I/we knew that it would never work for many reasons. When I told him that I was giving up on the relationship, he responded with, "Ok, I understand." He didn't try to put up a fight or sound like he felt bad about it at all which actually felt worse for me because I felt like he didn't care.

He gave me "space" for about three weeks by not calling, e-mailing, etc. but he just started getting in touch with me again. My thought from the beginning is that if we ever broke up, I just wanted to cut it off because we were never "just friends" from the beginning and I've always liked him as more than a friend. He called yesterday to ask me for advice on some financial issues and such and then after a few minutes started asking general questions about my life and then finally asked me about my dating life. I told him I wasn't comfortable discussing that with him. He kept pushing me, though, and I kept saying the same thing. I asked him why he wanted to know and he said it was because he wanted to be my friend and he wants me to be happy. I personally think it's crap. I think that if you ever actually really cared about someone in a romantic way, you wouldn't want to hear about their dating life so soon after breaking up. My thought is that he must not have had very strong feelings for me to begin with but I don't know. He told me that I was being frustrating by not sharing with him and my thought is that he's being disrepectful of what I need. I'm thinking I should just go back to my original plan and cut ties altogether. I just don't see a need to stay friends with someone after dating (unless you started off as friends beforehand). It would really hurt me to hear that he was dating someone at this point. I am over him mentally but not emotionally.

I'm curious--do most of you stay friends after breaking up? If you do, do you take a few weeks or few months off before talking again? Does it bother you when they talk about new girlfriends/boyfriends?

No, I don't stay friends with people after breaking up. My first girlfriend...every once in a while she'll write me something (she got my email address)--and even though I might make some reply, we really don't keep in touch.

My only friend is my partner. Whoever that woman is--that's the only friend I have in the world.

[Davachka]

I am friends with some of my exes....in fact one is in Geneva for a year for work, and I am sending him avocadoes (they arent too common in Switzerland) and he is sending me chocolate. We dated for 6 months about 6 years ago, and have been friendly ever since. It wasnt that romantic of a relationship, meaning I felt like he was more of a friends when we were dating anyway, and my husband is not the jealous type so it works. Plus I have more guy friends than girls anyway.

But it may be that I am more logical than emotional much of the time, and able to have clear cut boundaries. Obviously I would not be friends with anyone who I still have unresolved feelings for. I think if either party does have attachment or feelings still, being friends is not a good idea, but otherwise, if there are 2 mature adults with boundaries, who truly have common interests, I don't see the problem. At least not for me.

[Lucario]

Don't have any personal experience in this, but I would think that I would not want to be friends with an ex. Just move on, let her have her own life, let me have mine.