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I think it has more to do with who files for the divorce and from what I've heard, women are more likely to file. I'd say if someone has come to the decision to file, they're already at least 90% down the road toward acceptance. If it comes out of nowhere or after you've tried to make things work in vain, then I can see it being much harder to come to terms with.
Also, the guy may have gotten shafted due to an unfair divorce settlement which isn't really all that uncommon.
I have a friend who is still having a tough time with his divorce after two years. It's not pretty sometimes.
There might be some truth to this. If so, I suspect 2 reasons:
1) Women initiate divorce proceedings about 75% of the time. Given this fact, it is understandable why women might seem to cope well with divorce more often then men.
2) Women often have stronger social networks than men do. After a divorce, many women have a large number of close, sympathetic female friends to fall back on for emotional support. This is less often true for men.
Two is the reasoning I have often heard behind why, after a divorce or becoming widowed, men are generally likely to remarry faster than women...women have stronger social supports, and are accustomed to building social networks throughout life, and don't "need" to be remarried to not feel alone. The same is not always true for men. Generalization, of course, but accurate often enough.
I think it has more to do with who files for the divorce and from what I've heard, women are more likely to file. I'd say if someone has come to the decision to file, they're already at least 90% down the road toward acceptance. If it comes out of nowhere or after you've tried to make things work in vain, then I can see it being much harder to come to terms with.
Also, the guy may have gotten shafted due to an unfair divorce settlement which isn't really all that uncommon.
I have a friend who is still having a tough time with his divorce after two years. It's not pretty sometimes.
The person initiating proceedings/doing the breaking up is always the one who has gone through whatever disconnecting process, grief, cutting of emotional ties, whatever, well before the ball really got rolling. The one who did not initiate is not going to be at that level of acceptance right away. It stands to reason.
The person initiating proceedings/doing the breaking up is always the one who has gone through whatever disconnecting process, grief, cutting of emotional ties, whatever, well before the ball really got rolling. The one who did not initiate is not going to be at that level of acceptance right away. It stands to reason.
Exactly, and even if the guy is a cheating lowlife and deserves a divorce yesterday, it still may come as a shock he isn't fully prepared to handle. He may still genuinely "love" his spouse as hard as it may be to believe.
I do think women get over divorce quicker. In my case I had 4 children to care for and was just happy to be out of that marriage. The worse part of it all for me was having to go to court so many times. I think my ex kept hoping I'd come back.
I imagine it depends on who initiated the divorce. I have been involved with an internet divorce support group for some time and most of the women have been devestated by divorce, but more so if their husbands filed.
This is exactly what I was thinking, because it's been my experience.
I divorced my husband. I tried to make it work. I just kept telling myself that this was one of the low times and that it would pick up.Told him what we needed to fix. There was no "we" in "us" apparently. The marriage ended long before I got the divorce.
Then, I guess Karma happened, because my SO dumped me for the office chick. And I've been beyond devastated.
So, it just depends on who does the leaving.
Last edited by metamorphosis; 05-08-2013 at 07:20 PM..
I know a lady that was devastated by her ex leaving her for another, younger woman. She was battling depression long after the divorce, but she initiated the paperwork.
I personally am the initiator for my divorce, but he is the one that ended it in a sudden, blind sided fashion. I think I am moving on faster than he is - either that, or he has turned into a major drama queen over it.
Do you really want me to go there? Again, it comes down to taking someone for granted, and men tend to do that once married more than women. I can't count the number of times I've heard of men behaving as though they thought that not only did they get a wife on their wedding day, they also got a cook and a maid. Suddenly, they forget how to do their own laundry or clean a bathroom, even though they've been doing it on their own for years. They think that now they have someone to "take care of" them. Well, who takes care of the wife? They think going to work and earning an income is the sum of their contributions to the marriage. They think that when the work day ends, they're done. Women, however, get to do the second shift. Heck, there are men who look at tending to their own kids as babysitting. Again, this stuff does not apply to all men, obviously. But quite a few.
And women notice. And we talk about it, because we tend to be big on communication.
What it really boils down to is that women grieve the death of the marriage while still in the marriage. Men grieve after the ink is dry on the divorce decree.
Have you ever been married?
Lilac110’s points are all well-taken. If children are involved, and the husband deems his entire role to be limited to material sustenance of the household, while the wife both works outside of the home AND carries preponderance of responsibility for raising the children, indeed the husband is taking the wife for granted.
If the wife has already lost the husband to football or fishing or alcohol, again, I readily concede Lilac’s points.
Let me instead focus on a different case: a child-free marriage (by mutual agreement), where the husband has a thriving and well-paying career, but the wife works part-time despite herself having a good education, and housework is shared equally. The husband travels often for work, sometimes taking his wife; but when they travel together, she feels like arm-candy, worn with pride by the husband and paraded in front of his work-mates. The wife feels inferior and of stunted potential. She has no hobbies and essentially no friends. She returned to college – at her husband’s prodding – and eventually graduated with excellent grades, but became disillusioned. She never really cared for that field anyway; it was her husband’s idea, his scheme for keeping her occupied. Instead, she persisted at her menial part-time job. Her parents are far away, and no longer understand her – as she no longer understands them. She feels adrift, gasping. Her mother can’t see the problem either; a good, reliable man. An established house. Safe and settled. What’s the matter? The husband completely misses his wife’s frustrations, thinking that his wife still loves him – and indeed she does, at least romantically. He thinks that her finding a job is only around the corner – and then, and then, they’ll reach that elusive goal of marital equality. But somehow she can’t step over that threshold. She dawdles. The marriage has lasted for quite some years. The husband is now a senior executive. The wife is still a part-time clerk. They’re both sliding into middle-age, but the wife feels unfulfilled, and regards herself as a child in an adult’s body. She scrambles for something drastic – a shock to the system. Still professing love for her husband, she leaves him – initially just temporarily, to see if she can feel more independent living alone. Time passes. Remonstrations are exchanged – mostly by the husband, as the wife just silently and sullenly nods. And then the divorce. They leave the courthouse together. He turns to her, asking: “maybe this was all some stupid nightmare? Maybe we should just forgive one another, reconcile, embrace?” And the reply: “I can’t honey; I can’t. What I’ve unleashed, what I steadfastly now must undertake, I walk alone. Goodbye”
For starters -not this crap again. Child support isn't a perk. As for the division of monetary assets there is usually more to the financial portfolio than just the house and the car.
You don't get it, do you? If you are going to understand how difficult it is, you should look at the few cases when the women loses her children, and only gets visitation. Those women go into depression even if they aren't paying child support. Those women actually handle the situation a lot worse than the majority of men who experience the same.
For men you first get punished and won't be able to see your kids. Then you have to provide extra money for the children you are not able to see. Many of these men would pay extra to see their kids. But in court of law it is the other way. If you loses, then you have to pay more if you are not able to see your kids. Its like a double punishment. And to top it off you are forced to pay your wife alimony so she can keep up her standard of living. If she cheated on you and got a children with another man, you still have to pay child support and alimony.
Its absolutely horrible, and I am really happy I am not getting married in America. I am from Norway, and in Norway 50/50 is quite normal. If you don't get that, then you will get 40/60. Also, alimony only exists in a few cases, and only for a few years.
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Third, when my parents divorced -she took absolutely nothing. He'd cheated on her his whole life and she just walked out empty handed. They built a company TOGETHER and if she went after him financially it would have crippled that business and she left the house too for the same reasons.
So she was nice. But she had the power to screw him over. And many women do.
Other reasons it is harder for men is because their support network is weaker, and more women initiate divorce. A lot of men wouldn't dare to initiate a divorce, because the courts will screw them over.
From my observations, women get over a divorce much faster than men do in the large majority of cases. It starts with getting custody of the kids with the men still paying for the kids. Then she marries a new man so they have their own 2 incomes plus child support and the children. I've known many men who were devastated thier entire lives from these scenarios.
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