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Meet John. A very close friend of mine. John and I disagreed on the issue of "cutting off" people.
Specifically, it involved 2 guys who like John are married, with kids. One is "Bob," whom I was close to in college and who was a buddy of John's back in school too. (John and I knew each other in school as well but we were just acquaintances then).
The other is "Prix," whom I met only once, through John. (I chose the name "Prix" cuz calling him "Prick" would've been too easy.)
Prix is an arrogant, sarcastic, self-absorbed jackass. I saw all this on the one occasion we met, and I later told John I did not get a good impression of Prix. John told me I was far from the only one; John's wife doesn't like Prix (and the 3 have all known each other for more than 15 years). Others who are friends w/ both John and John's wife, according to John, do not like Prix.
As for Bob... Bob is a nice guy with a severe case of laziness and sloppiness. Bob is chronically late (30-45 minutes and sometimes more), very unproactive, and therefore very frustrating to deal with when it comes to organizing guys' nights out. He's done several gaffes which over a few recent years began to drive me away from him. Suffice it to say the guy can be clueless and just plainly lacking in consideration and very unprofessional.
So John and I were talking over drinks a few weeks ago and both Prix and Bob came up. I had already told John never to invite me to anything where Prix would be present. So, I asked him why he even puts up with Prix given how arrogant and condescending he is, and given that many in John's social circle (many of whom I know, even if only as acquaintances) have a deep distaste for Prix.
(To illustrate Prix's notoriety, Prix often organizes BBQs at his house and these friends of John tend to abstain, and John feels "bad" and goes, and it falls upon John to tell Prix that the others "couldn't make it.")
John said that while at times he's been tempted to tell Prix many people don't like him, Prix would react angrily, insist John tell him who these were, and John reasons that once Prix confronted these folks, they'd deny it, and Prix would get mad at John. And the fact that Prix and John have known each other since their early 20s and that Prix was the one who introduced John to the woman who became John's wife play a role too.
As for Bob - because Bob has committed a number of gaffes over time that have made him lose all credibility with me (and with other friends too - including John himself, as John admitted), I told John my friendship with Bob has weakened to the point I don't see it continuing. John knows that I never call Bob anymore and that Bob himself doesn't call me; John knows that for more than 1 year now, I have hung out with Bob no more than 5 times.
John said I'm too harsh on Bob despite Bob's many infuriating habits, and that I should not cut off Bob completely because Bob doesn't do the stupid things he does "on purpose."
I said that Bob's gaffes have exhausted and alienated me. And I disagreed with the "not on purpose" defense; I told John that Bob being continually late for events IS on purpose; it's a result of poor time management and of a lack of consideration for those who arrive punctually.
John then hit me out of left field with, "ah but Sprawling, you're single. It's easy for you to cut people off."
When I asked him what that meant, he said that it's harder for married folks to cut off bad friends because this often has repercussions if the wives are on friendly terms.
John also said that I'm too radical and that with more age and the experience of marriage, I will find myself less able to cut off others than I can do now.
I disagreed and pointed out to John that David, John's brother-in-law, is similar to me - he has no qualms about cutting off those he doesn't like... and that David, like John, has a wife and kids. John has even (half-jokingly) compared me to David on how we are so quick to shut out people we dislike.
I mean, we've all learned that friendships sometimes get outgrown, and that some people are just not worth keeping in our lives. In that sense, I'm cold and practical. I prefer Prix miles away, am tired of Bob (it's not just his gaffes... as we aged, I realized Bob and I really don't have a whole lot in common; we don't get along very well and while I'm a great talker/communicator, Bob SUCKS at that), and cut off an annoying airhead woman earlier this year (who, incidentally, was a close college friend of Bob's and is still friends with Bob... Bob actually tried to convince me not to cut her off, to no avail).
So... I ask you guys.
- do you cut people off or do you just "tolerate" them?
- did marriage and family make it harder for you to "lose" friends who drove you crazy or who were a burden or with whom "friendship" was too exhausting?
all i can say is that i have different sets of friends and when i hang out with one set, the other set isn't present and vice versa. i don't mix the two sets.
- do you cut people off or do you just "tolerate" them?
- did marriage and family make it harder for you to "lose" friends who drove you crazy or who were a burden or with whom "friendship" was too exhausting?
I've cut off TWO very long-term friendships this year. I should have done it SOONER.
There's a real easy test -- well, fairly easy:
- if their positives outweigh their negatives, keep them as friends (and figure out how to deal with the issues)
- if their negatives outweigh their positives, lose them....FAST
This "test" has been very reliable for me.
Last edited by robertpolyglot; 11-18-2008 at 11:14 PM..
I have always found joy in having a diverse group of friends. Your friends "gaffes" seem to be part of his nature. Something tells me that you may be a lonely person later in life. I'm not sure I'd even want to be friends with someone who expects such perfection.
This will sound harsh but in my years on this earth I've learned quite a bit. One of those things I've learned is that every now and then you have to do the "out with the old and in with the new". As friends go, they are great to have and nice to know you can rely on then but you don't really have to have them. I personally though don't have to have them and do fine with or without. I have friends now that I really adore but if they did me wrong or the same old BS got stale, I'd be all done.
I've walked away from several friendships throughout the years and never once looked back. I don't look back because I'm confident in my decision. I think that every now and then it does your soul a lot of good to do really good housekeeping with your friend pool.
I will say this though, I have only ever walked away from a friendship / relationship when all efforts to maintain have been exhausted and when I've explored all avenues and see no future in it, then I walk. I explain why I'm walking, I don't get bogged down with the other person when they start crying, or whining or begging, I just walk. I find it very easy to do and recommend anyone who is at the stage where they want to end a friendship but aren't able to or don't know how to to try my method. It's very liberating and it feels good to have that kind of confidence in yourself. And no, you won't end up a lonely bitter person - that only happens if you want it to.
all i can say is that i have different sets of friends and when i hang out with one set, the other set isn't present and vice versa. i don't mix the two sets.
I've always been that way. I just know when some people will not mesh well with others.
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