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I'll keep it to the basics... just looking for others perspective.
I was in a 4 year relationship with a man. Since the breakup, which hes given several reasons for, he has stayed in my life insisting I'm a huge part of his life, that he cares for me like I"m family and that he loves me deeply (as a friend). He still calls, comes over and if I stop talking to him for more than a week he finds a way to contact me.
I won't lie, its almost been a year and I'm still in love with him. Deeply. He hasnt' been out of my life long enough for me to move on. I'm in love with him, his son, and his family.
My confusion comes here.... I know that I'm hurting myself over and over by being friends with him. A part of me feels like I have to cut him out complelety and move on with my life. But the other part says, why throw away a good friendship, a lifelong friendship. Maybe I should just buck up and live with it. I know that things will change drastically (he says differently) when he starts serioulsy dating someone else or I do. Honeslty I know I wouldn't be able to handle it when that happenes. I'm confused and don't know what to do. Cut him out or keep a good friend in my life???
If the friendship is hurting you, get him out of your life. If he truly cares for you, he'll understand that he is hurting you and will respect your decision and leave your life. My ex and I are friends but that's because WE (not me, not him, WE) decided that's what we wanted. But neither of us have residual feelings.
Self-perservation trumps everything. If you really think you can eventually be friends, maybe you need space to get over him first. (it really sounds like it) And when you are over it, then try to be friends. You may find that he doesn't want to be friends after all. Or maybe he really isn't ready to let you go yet and just can't admit it.
I'm friends with an ex (actually sort of two), but I agreed or ended them myself.
If the friendship is bringing you too much pain, I think you just need to be honest with him and share those feelings. While there might not be a need to actually end the friendship, perhaps some space and time needs to be respected by both.
It sounds like the two of you deeply care about each other. I'm curious as to why he ended it. Regardless, he obviously cares and I'm sure would respect your need for some space.
I'll keep it to the basics... just looking for others perspective.
Quote:
Originally Posted by betterintime
Cut him out or keep a good friend in my life???
I agree with CESpeed totally. I think you need some space first. I don't think it makes sense to keep coming around someone you broke up with...do you know what I mean? good luck
Addition: I've tried to tell him I can't see him cause it hurts to much. I've told him that I love him to much to just be his friend. He might not call for a day or two but sooner or later he calls/texts and asks me to hang out or something. On top of that.... Everytime we "hand out" we have a great time (I put my feeling aside) but than it turns sexual. I've told him I don't want that but he doesn't listen.
Addition: I've tried to tell him I can't see him cause it hurts to much. I've told him that I love him to much to just be his friend. He might not call for a day or two but sooner or later he calls/texts and asks me to hang out or something. On top of that.... Everytime we "hand out" we have a great time (I put my feeling aside) but than it turns sexual. I've told him I don't want that but he doesn't listen.
Addition: I've tried to tell him I can't see him cause it hurts to much. I've told him that I love him to much to just be his friend. He might not call for a day or two but sooner or later he calls/texts and asks me to hang out or something. On top of that.... Everytime we "hand out" we have a great time (I put my feeling aside) but than it turns sexual. I've told him I don't want that but he doesn't listen.
It figures... Your dear "friend" just wants to turn a SCARY relationship into a SWEET FWB situation...
I'll keep it to the basics... just looking for others perspective.
I was in a 4 year relationship with a man. Since the breakup, which hes given several reasons for, he has stayed in my life insisting I'm a huge part of his life, that he cares for me like I"m family and that he loves me deeply (as a friend). He still calls, comes over and if I stop talking to him for more than a week he finds a way to contact me.
I won't lie, its almost been a year and I'm still in love with him. Deeply. He hasnt' been out of my life long enough for me to move on. I'm in love with him, his son, and his family.
My confusion comes here.... I know that I'm hurting myself over and over by being friends with him. A part of me feels like I have to cut him out complelety and move on with my life. But the other part says, why throw away a good friendship, a lifelong friendship. Maybe I should just buck up and live with it. I know that things will change drastically (he says differently) when he starts serioulsy dating someone else or I do. Honeslty I know I wouldn't be able to handle it when that happenes. I'm confused and don't know what to do. Cut him out or keep a good friend in my life???
IF YOU ARE HAVING SEX , KISSING TOUCHING OF ANY KIND TELL HIM TO LEAVE YOU ALONE. iF HE IS REALLY A FRIEND TELL HIM YOU DON'T NEED A FRIEND. UNLESS YOU ARE GETTING CASH. MAYBE LET HIM CALL IN 5 ,6 MONTHS BUT NO ROMANCE MEET HIM FOR COFFEE , ASK HIM IF HE THINKS HE IS HELPING, HE IS NOT, BUT MAYBE HE IS HELPING YOU NOT TO JUMP TO FAST. yOU SAY YOU STILL LOVE HIM......THATS NOT LOVE
Since he isn't respecting your wishes, you'll have to cut him off completely. If you see his number, don't answer, delete his texts and emails without reading them. That's will be the best for YOU. Let him take care of him, he sounds like he's very good at that already.
Addition: I've tried to tell him I can't see him cause it hurts to much. I've told him that I love him to much to just be his friend. He might not call for a day or two but sooner or later he calls/texts and asks me to hang out or something. On top of that.... Everytime we "hand out" we have a great time (I put my feeling aside) but than it turns sexual. I've told him I don't want that but he doesn't listen.
You are not just friends. I dont know if its a cake and eat it too with him, I dont know enough about him. But you cannot be "just friends" when you are still in love and still intimate. Its a good excuse to hang on, but it's not what either of you are making it to be.
He also needs to back off, it's not just about what he wants. And you need to maintain your ground when he doesn't.
I hope it works out for you.
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good luck
Your dear "friend" just wants to turn a SCARY relationship into a SWEET FWB situation...
