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No...its not important to me. I think it would be more important if I had kids. If something happened to me I would want them to go to family instead of a foster home.
I have however watched for repeat dysfunctional behavior in those who come from bad homes. Some just have moody fits..and some well...its beyond that and are best kept at an arms length/casual friend status.
I'd never over look anyone who came from the same sort of home as you or he did, but being unwilling to make an effort, seek professional help or take responsibility of your own life would be a no no for me.
Everyone should see it that way. I'm sure if I developed into some abuser loser my wife would've dumped me. But she, nor her parents, gave two diddly-squats about my childhood, or socio-economic background. In turn, my relationship and commitment developed around her, not her family history.
And... that's why the divorce rate in the US is so high. It's not smart to let your judgment be completely clouded by your hormones.
Love isn't determined by 'hormones' alone. If you can't tell the difference, well..
And the divorce rate is high for lots of reasons- including selfishness, the seemingly rampant belief of disposable commitments, infidelity... It ain't all due to the fact that you failed to perform a 'background check' on your partner’s family tree.
You've gotta be kidding me. Screening for people to date seriously?
How well my family 'blends in' is completely irrelevant to my relationship with my wife. And I didn't seek out or 'screen' my girlfriend at the time because she lived in Ozzie and Harriet land.
I guess when you are in love, and married- you accept the terms 'for better or for worse' w/out much debate on whether or not your families will blend or what your childhood was like.
At least that's how I thought it was supposed to work.
It's easy for you to say that since you've put your family aside and only have to deal with hers. Plus, you like her family because they are everything that yours wasn't. But what happens if your family tries to become a part of your life again? What if you want to let them but she doesn't?
I know a woman who denied her family completely in order to be with her husband and they did nothing to deserve it. For whatever reason, she believed her family was beneath her husband's family and she behaved accordingly. After a few years she realized that it didn't matter how she behaved towards her husband's family; they would always see themselves as above her and would treat her accordingly so she got back in touch with her mother. They talked over the phone constantly and even got together on a yearly basis but the few times the mother went to visit her, her husband and his family treated her like dirt. The times that she brought her husband to her mother's home, he made it clear that he was not happy there and behaved like a jerk until it was time to leave. This never changed so the mother stopped going to visit her and she visited her mother less frequently since she couldn't always afford the visit (they lived in separate states). The mother died and only one of her siblings forgave her for the way she behaved. Without her mother to fall back on, her husband started to treat her worse and worse. Why does he behave the way he does? Because that's how his family behaves. He's a big time momma's boy and actually gangs up against his wife with his mother. As of now, she's thinking of leaving him but I don't know if she will. During a converstation she and I had once; I told her that part of the reason I knew I was going to end up with my wife was because I saw that she came from a good family and had a good dynamic with them. Her response was, "I never thought about that. I should've looked at my husband's family more closely."
I don't care about someone's family background for the most part. Maybe because I don't have the greatest family background and I can't help that some of my family members act like crack heads. People have NO IDEA - at all - that I came from a dysfunctional family unless I specifically say something. Families make us who we are to an extent - good and bad - however, it doesn't necessarily define who we are. My husband accepts my family and never made them a reflection of me... and I did the same for him. I can genuinely state, that my husband and I are great people despite some of our family members.
Last edited by mommabear2; 02-09-2009 at 01:01 PM..
Love isn't determined by 'hormones' alone. If you can't tell the difference, well..
And the divorce rate is high for lots of reasons- including selfishness, the seemingly rampant belief of disposable commitments, infidelity... It ain't all due to the fact that you failed to perform a 'background check' on your partner’s family tree.
You're also thinking differently from me because you're a MAN. Men don't have to be as careful with choosing their marriage partner. Most men I know, marry the best looking woman they can get, and it's fine with them. And when you have kids, the woman gets stuck with the childcare while the husband gets to keep his career going. He makes more money than the wife, which means that he holds the majority of the power in the family. And if he gets tired of his wife later on, he can divorce her and more easily remarry, and that second wife will probably be younger. Meanwhile, the exwife gets the kids and has to scramble to make ends meet financially. With a woman's nesting instinct, she has to find a good mate to settle down with and do the child raising thing with, and his only being handsome just doesn't cut it, not if she wants her kids taken care of well.
It's easy for you to say that since you've put your family aside and only have to deal with hers. Plus, you like her family because they are everything that yours wasn't. But what happens if your family tries to become a part of your life again? What if you want to let them but she doesn't?
I know a woman who denied her family completely in order to be with her husband and they did nothing to deserve it. For whatever reason, she believed her family was beneath her husband's family and she behaved accordingly. After a few years she realized that it didn't matter how she behaved towards her husband's family; they would always see themselves as above her and would treat her accordingly so she got back in touch with her mother. They talked over the phone constantly and even got together on a yearly basis but the few times the mother went to visit her, her husband and his family treated her like dirt. The times that she brought her husband to her mother's home, he made it clear that he was not happy there and behaved like a jerk until it was time to leave. This never changed so the mother stopped going to visit her and she visited her mother less frequently since she couldn't always afford the visit (they lived in separate states). The mother died and only one of her siblings forgave her for the way she behaved. Without her mother to fall back on, her husband started to treat her worse and worse. Why does he behave the way he does? Because that's how his family behaves. He's a big time momma's boy and actually gangs up against his wife with his mother. As of now, she's thinking of leaving him but I don't know if she will. During a converstation she and I had once; I told her that part of the reason I knew I was going to end up with my wife was because I saw that she came from a good family and had a good dynamic with them. Her response was, "I never thought about that. I should've looked at my husband's family more closely."
I never once said we didn't have to deal with my family. The relationships, if you wish to call it that, that I had and still have with my mother (the sister mentioned earlier is now deceased and my father has since passed) was tenuous to say the least. Does it affect me in some way? Sure as Hell it does. Did it affect me back when we were dating? Sure as Hell it did.
From the sounds of some of the posts in here there is an attitude that based on what I've been through, and the potential trials that may come are enough of a reason to dismiss someone as a 'potential spouse' because it might be too much hassle for you to bear.
How important is family background to you? Say someone comes from a broken family and they don't get along with much of their family for whatever reasons and doesn't associate with them would you still hold that against him/her? The reason I ask is I have heard some people mention how they want a big family on their spouses side Perhaps to have big family gatherings at the holidays?
Someone with a broken family deserves benefit of the doubt, I've met several great people from them. However, it is a warning sign that needs to be weighed.
Also, it depends upon the extent. Dad was a jerk and ran off not to be seen much in 10-20years is one thing but if I meet a girl who has pretty much negative relationships with mom, dad, siblings etc etc etc. it's a GINORMOUS warning sign that the problem might be with them or maybe all of them.
The clincher would be if they have little contact with family and few good long-term friends...and the ones they have they bad-mouth...pretty bad signs.
You're also thinking differently from me because you're a MAN. Men don't have to be as careful with choosing their marriage partner.Most men I know, marry the best looking woman they can get, and it's fine with them. And when you have kids, the woman gets stuck with the childcare while the husband gets to keep his career going. He makes more money than the wife, which means that he holds the majority of the power in the family. And if he gets tired of his wife later on, he can divorce her and more easily remarry, and that second wife will probably be younger. Meanwhile, the exwife gets the kids and has to scramble to make ends meet financially. With a woman's nesting instinct, she has to find a good mate to settle down with and do the child raising thing with, and his only being handsome just doesn't cut it, not if she wants her kids taken care of well.
That.. was b/s if I ever heard it.
Dear God, I responded to your assertion. This post is like throwing spaghetti on the wall to see if it will stick.
Me of ALL people was certainly 'careful' when deciding on my marriage partner, lol.
You're also thinking differently from me because you're a MAN. Men don't have to be as careful with choosing their marriage partner. Most men I know, marry the best looking woman they can get, and it's fine with them. And when you have kids, the woman gets stuck with the childcare while the husband gets to keep his career going. He makes more money than the wife, which means that he holds the majority of the power in the family. And if he gets tired of his wife later on, he can divorce her and more easily remarry, and that second wife will probably be younger. Meanwhile, the exwife gets the kids and has to scramble to make ends meet financially. With a woman's nesting instinct, she has to find a good mate to settle down with and do the child raising thing with, and his only being handsome just doesn't cut it, not if she wants her kids taken care of well.
I call BS on this.
Out of my entire extended family it has been the males that have been screwed over by psycho girls from bad families by a ratio of about 3 - 1.
Being back to dating as a 38yo. widower with two kids....I am VERY VERY picky and careful about whom I move past a few introductory dates with.
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Perhaps to have big family gatherings at the holidays?
