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How important is family background to you? Say someone comes from a broken family and they don't get along with much of their family for whatever reasons and doesn't associate with them would you still hold that against him/her?
I wouldn't hold it against them, but it's definitely something that I'd factor in. The reason I think it matters is because we're all heavily influenced by the kind of household we grew up in. The way people approach relationships, their ideas of marriage, etc. are all a product of what their environment was like growing up. We all like to think of ourselves as independent thinkers who haven't brainwashed by our parents. But we've probably been influenced in ways that we're not fully aware of.
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Originally Posted by cpg35223
But one has to realize that when you marry the person, you marry the family and all the drama that comes along with it.
I agree. I have a relative who is constantly dealing with his in-laws. But the root of the problem is not his in-laws, but his wife who seems unable to really stand up to her parents.
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Originally Posted by miu
However... not everyone from a dysfunctional family realizes their dysfunction. And then of the situations where it's not dysfunction but rather just a vastly different family dynamic due to their culture, you end up with people who think that their upbringing was fine and normal, they clash with their s/o's way of family living, and both think that they don't need to compromise or change.
This is definitely true. I have a friend who comes from a very conservative household. The father works, the mother stays at home and does whatever the father says. He's also really cheap, though he considers it being financially responsible. And the family doesn't seem to express their emotions much. I see these traits in my friend. He's cheap, but doesn't see it that way. And he's also serious. What others see as character flaws in us or our families, too often we see as normal because that's how we were raised.
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Originally Posted by miu
Men don't have to be as careful with choosing their marriage partner. Most men I know, marry the best looking woman they can get, and it's fine with them.
This part I strongly disagree with. Not all of us are that shallow or foolish. I look at my relative and all the drama he deals with from his in-laws. One quality I look for in a partner now is strength. She needs to be strong enough to stand up to her family and have a mind of her own. If she's not, then she's not the right person for me.
Last edited by DennyCrane; 02-09-2009 at 03:04 PM..
You're also thinking differently from me because you're a MAN. Men don't have to be as careful with choosing their marriage partner. Most men I know, marry the best looking woman they can get, and it's fine with them. And when you have kids, the woman gets stuck with the childcare while the husband gets to keep his career going. He makes more money than the wife, which means that he holds the majority of the power in the family. And if he gets tired of his wife later on, he can divorce her and more easily remarry, and that second wife will probably be younger. Meanwhile, the exwife gets the kids and has to scramble to make ends meet financially. With a woman's nesting instinct, she has to find a good mate to settle down with and do the child raising thing with, and his only being handsome just doesn't cut it, not if she wants her kids taken care of well.
AHHHH, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!
This statement might have been valid back in 1975 but this is no longer the case. Nowadays women get child support until the kid is 18 AND alimony until they remarry. More and more there are women who cheat on their husbands, take them for everything they have during the divorce and then get steady boyfriends who they never marry or live with so that they can continue to receive that alimony.
The only women who don't collect alimony are the ones that married losers who can't afford it and even then those losers are still held accountable for child support. Even if they're not making any money, the child support debt is racking up and they have to pay it later.
AHHHH, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!
This statement might have been valid back in 1975 but this is no longer the case. Nowadays women get child support until the kid is 18 AND alimony until they remarry. More and more there are women who cheat on their husbands, take them for everything they have during the divorce and then get steady boyfriends who they never marry or live with so that they can continue to receive that alimony.
The only women who don't collect alimony are the ones that married losers who can't afford it and even then those losers are still held accountable for child support. Even if they're not making any money, the child support debt is racking up and they have to pay it later.
OHMYGAWD - I like you fatman, but these comments are just ignorant. Do you know how truly rare it is these days for a woman to get alimony??? Your comments are just so out of touch that I don't even know what to say!
And don't even get me started on child support! The average man pays about $400 a month at most - BARELY enough to cover half the true cost to house, feed and clothe a child.
I never once said we didn't have to deal with my family. The relationships, if you wish to call it that, that I had and still have with my mother (the sister mentioned earlier is now deceased and my father has since passed) was tenuous to say the least. Does it affect me in some way? Sure as Hell it does. Did it affect me back when we were dating? Sure as Hell it did.
From the sounds of some of the posts in here there is an attitude that based on what I've been through, and the potential trials that may come are enough of a reason to dismiss someone as a 'potential spouse' because it might be too much hassle for you to bear.
And that's pretty disheartening.
Well, that's just the way things are. You also have to keep in mind that dealing with family isn't just about your particular situation.
My wife has a friend whose family treats her like dirt yet always expects her to be there when they need financial help. She is currently engaged and pregnant with her fiance's baby and she will still chose her a-hole family over him whenever there is an argument. He actually got in an argument with her brother over him (the brother) treating her badly and she defended her brother!
I love my family and they have treated my wife very well but I've still had to tell them to cool it every once in a while when they get a little beyond their boundaries. She's had to do the same with hers and they treat me great as well.
In the end, it's up to each individual person to decide if it's worth it to stay with someone and leaving because of a bad family is no less valid than any other reason for leaving them. Especially if you know that you'll have to deal with them.
I had a very dysfunctional and horrifying childhood. My dad had become an abusive alcoholic, my mother was whacked, one sister was an absolute lunatic.. I witnessed beatings, my dad coming after us with knives in a drunken rage.. We were routinely broke because my dad was too drunk to work after 2-3 month binges… A total train wreck of a family. My only solace was school and Scouting…
I started dating my wife waaaay back in high school. She had an extremely stable family (and quite financially sound). Dad was head of the computer science and mathematics Dept at the Univ., mom was a devoted 'mom'.. No arguments, no yelling- we'd sit around the dinner table for HOURS talking about current events, history, and *gasp* math.....
Her parents were fully aware of what was going on at my home and what my upbringing was like, and they never once passed judgment or discouraged their daughter from dating me. As a matter of fact her father, who was not one to speak w/out great consideration, told me he admired my strength and courage to withstand what I was going through.
Thank-God, because my wife and I have been married for 19 years and together for over 25, with nothing but love and admiration for each other. Our kids are happy, our family strong, and we look forward to growing old together.
This whole 'let's predispose this person because of their background' mentality is total bunk. I pity those who have to include in their ‘list of requirements’ correct family background in order to choose their soul mates.
In fact, you may be the lesser of those you judge.
This is the BEST post on here threerun. I find the people who come from your type of background and who are able and willing to overcome family adversity WAY more intriguing and strong than most people who come from "normal" families. I know it's not easy, but when people make no excuses and rise up from a dysfunctional family... there's a strength and wisdom there... that can't be replicated. Not all of us follow our parents path as clearly you and many others have shown. I can't even begin to describe my upbringing - but it was pretty brutal (my escape was also, school - which is one of the reasons why I was so driven academically... I was HS salutatorian to say the least).
I am who I am because of the adversity in my life, but it doesn't mean that I don't know what love is... or loyalty or respect. My husband and I have a relationship rooted in the deepest form of love and to think we're from the dreaded "wrong side of the tracks."
great post fromk you too "Momma!" , I didn't have a "Brady Bunch" upbringing, my dad was awesome, my mother- not so much. Sh was/is verbally and emtionally abusive. But I knew that this was not normal and I didn't let it shape who I am today.
Hopefully, people can see the person we become and who we are rather than basing it all on what was the family like, you know?
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Originally Posted by mommabear2
This is the BEST post on here threerun. I find the people who come from your type of background and who are able and willing to overcome family adversity WAY more intriguing and strong than most people who come from "normal" families. I know it's not easy, but when people make no excuses and rise up from a dysfunctional family... there's a strength and wisdom there... that can't be replicated. Not all of us follow our parents path as clearly you and many others have shown. I can't even begin to describe my upbringing - but it was pretty brutal (my escape was also, school - which is one of the reasons why I was so driven academically... I was HS salutatorian to say the least).
I am who I am because of the adversity in my life, but it doesn't mean that I don't know what love is... or loyalty or respect. My husband and I have a relationship rooted in the deepest form of love and to think we're from the dreaded "wrong side of the tracks."
In the end, it's up to each individual person to decide if it's worth it to stay with someone and leaving because of a bad family is no less valid than any other reason for leaving them. Especially if you know that you'll have to deal with them.
If that's your decision to call it quits, then fine. I have no real qualms with that. Personally I would be stronger than that. My vows were to my wife, not her family. The issue I take offense to is the notion that some people would discount an individual, even a potential true love, because of their upbringing (family- whatever).
great post fromk you too "Momma!" , I didn't have a "Brady Bunch" upbringing, my dad was awesome, my mother- not so much. Sh was/is verbally and emtionally abusive. But I knew that this was not normal and I didn't let it shape who I am today. Hopefully, people can see the person we become and who we are rather than basing it all on what was the family like, you know?
Absolutely. We should be "judged" based upon our own merits rather than on family situations that are/were totally out of our control. If you overcame the verbal/emotional abuse of your mother then that takes a level of intelligence and courage that most people couldn't even possibly fathom. Of course there will always be people to disregard us for something we can't help, but if we're good people, it's their loss.
We should be "judged" based upon our own merits rather than on family situations that are/were totally out of our control. If you overcame the verbal/emotional abuse of your mother then that takes a level of intelligence and courage that most people couldn't even possibly fathom. Of course there will always be people to disregard us for something we can't help, but if we're good people, it's their loss.
It isn't about judging. If I meet someone who comes from a dysfunctional family, I don't judge them for it. But as independent as we like to think of ourselves, the fact is that we're influenced by our parents in ways that we're entirely conscious of. Sometimes, we don't realize these things until someone else points them out. I knew a girl whose husband's father was physically abusive. Luckily, her husband knew it was wrong and didn't turn out the same way. But what was also true is that his father suppressed his emotions a lot and he did too. He never realized he was doing that until his wife pointed it out to him. So while it's wrong to assume that someone you're with is going to turn out just like their family, it would be foolish to not at least be aware of where they're coming from.
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, I didn't have a "Brady Bunch" upbringing, my dad was awesome, my mother- not so much. Sh was/is verbally and emtionally abusive. But I knew that this was not normal and I didn't let it shape who I am today.
