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This is something I've struggled with for pretty much my whole life and I've considered posting about it before. It's likely to go on for awhile, so brace yourself, and thanks in advance if you make it through it!
I have an enormous amount of trouble meeting women. I've had a few girlfriends of varying degrees of seriousness (to anticipate some questions, one was quite serious, and no, I'm not a virgin), but in all of those scenarios it was usually the girl who showed the initial interest. Now I'm 24 years old and, embarrassingly, I have never asked a girl out in my entire life, unless you count a couple of half-hearted attempts at online dating. My romantic history is basically, have a girlfriend for awhile, and follow that up with a long period (years, seriously) of nothing. I've really reached the point that I'm afraid that if I keep this up, I am going to be alone. I do not want this to happen - batchelorhood isn't for me. Mind you that I'm not looking to "settle down" right away, indeed, I wouldn't want to do so for a number of years. Still, I'd definitely like to meet someone I really like.
Anyway, whenever I read things about all the problems guys who can't meet girls (either for lack of effort or lack of skill), I feel I can't relate. I'm a pretty nice guy, but not one of those "nice guy" pushovers you hear so much about. I don't use corny pick up lines and can carry on an intelligent conversation without embarassing myself. I'm not ultra-ambitious or making loads of money, but I have a good job and a sense of direction in my life. I have friends and interests and generally do enough to keep me occupied. I'm decent-looking. But this is really hanging over my head these days.
Admittedly, lack of effort has something to do with it. I don't really try to meet women - of course some people say that's how to do it, but I haven't found that. This past weekend I was at a party and stuck with the people I knew, for example. Frankly, I really think I have no conception of how to go about meeting women. I feel like if I walk up to a girl she'll just roll her eyes and think "oh, here we go." And where am I supposed to go to meet women - am I supposed to walk up to pretty girls on the street and say hello? And then what? I have to say something don't I, lest I stand there blathering on like a fool. I go out - though all my close friends are guys - and still never meet anybody. I just feel like I don't know how to do it, or where to go, or what to say - as the title of this thread suggests, I feel like there's a mental block. Also, I think I'm kind of average in most ways, so while I feel like I'm unlikely to do anything too stupid, I doubt I'll really stand out in a positive way, too.
I'm sure some deep-seated fear of rejection plays into all this - I'm seriously considering seeing a therapist about this - but I was wondering if anyone on here has any advice as to how I can go about improving this situation. Concrete stuff, too, not "feel better about yourself," or "just stop thinking and do it."
If you have any thoughts on this that could be constructive, I'd be happy to hear them. Thanks!
This is something I've struggled with for pretty much my whole life and I've considered posting about it before. It's likely to go on for awhile, so brace yourself, and thanks in advance if you make it through it!
I have an enormous amount of trouble meeting women. I've had a few girlfriends of varying degrees of seriousness (to anticipate some questions, one was quite serious, and no, I'm not a virgin), but in all of those scenarios it was usually the girl who showed the initial interest. Now I'm 24 years old and, embarrassingly, I have never asked a girl out in my entire life, unless you count a couple of half-hearted attempts at online dating. My romantic history is basically, have a girlfriend for awhile, and follow that up with a long period (years, seriously) of nothing. I've really reached the point that I'm afraid that if I keep this up, I am going to be alone. I do not want this to happen - batchelorhood isn't for me. Mind you that I'm not looking to "settle down" right away, indeed, I wouldn't want to do so for a number of years. Still, I'd definitely like to meet someone I really like.
Anyway, whenever I read things about all the problems guys who can't meet girls (either for lack of effort or lack of skill), I feel I can't relate. I'm a pretty nice guy, but not one of those "nice guy" pushovers you hear so much about. I don't use corny pick up lines and can carry on an intelligent conversation without embarassing myself. I'm not ultra-ambitious or making loads of money, but I have a good job and a sense of direction in my life. I have friends and interests and generally do enough to keep me occupied. I'm decent-looking. But this is really hanging over my head these days.
Admittedly, lack of effort has something to do with it. I don't really try to meet women - of course some people say that's how to do it, but I haven't found that. This past weekend I was at a party and stuck with the people I knew, for example. Frankly, I really think I have no conception of how to go about meeting women. I feel like if I walk up to a girl she'll just roll her eyes and think "oh, here we go." And where am I supposed to go to meet women - am I supposed to walk up to pretty girls on the street and say hello? And then what? I have to say something don't I, lest I stand there blathering on like a fool. I go out - though all my close friends are guys - and still never meet anybody. I just feel like I don't know how to do it, or where to go, or what to say - as the title of this thread suggests, I feel like there's a mental block. Also, I think I'm kind of average in most ways, so while I feel like I'm unlikely to do anything too stupid, I doubt I'll really stand out in a positive way, too.
I'm sure some deep-seated fear of rejection plays into all this - I'm seriously considering seeing a therapist about this - but I was wondering if anyone on here has any advice as to how I can go about improving this situation. Concrete stuff, too, not "feel better about yourself," or "just stop thinking and do it."
If you have any thoughts on this that could be constructive, I'd be happy to hear them. Thanks!
lol, see a therapist? Bro, your just fine, your just shy you lack a little confidence and you need to be more aggressive.
What I would suggest is you get your self spruced up and go to a local mall or shopping center and make a goal to talk to at least 10 random girls just for the %%% of it. Don't leave until you do.
When you do this exercise your just trying to get rid of the fear of approaching a stranger and the fear of rejection. If a female slaps you; your doing just great!! Over a period of time you will see that a few of these girls will be receptive of you.
If you do this for a few months you will have a Rolodex of female company! Some of those girls you will find you can go hang out to go roller skating, others lunch for two and maybe out of the hole pack ONE of them you might get serious with...
Either way since you not part of the elite 10% of rich men you have no choice but to approach the female that you want.
I was like you in high school, never asked a girl out, they always asked me etc etc.
In college everything changed. I just stopped caring about rejection. You have got to take risks and that is all there is to it. Yes you will get rejected but every guy does. The thing you really need to focus on is finding the right person. You have to play the numbers game. After a while your confidence will be incredibly high and it will just be a game for you. If she rejects you simply put she is not a match for you so just move on. Also, don't put all your eggs in one basket so just keep looking.
First off, you have got to be confident about it (you gain this by practice). Women can smell weakness from miles away. Second you have to actually approach women. It is honestly not that difficult if you streamline the approach. Simply do this: when you see a hot chick go up to her and make a comment. Could be anything. "do you come here often?" "Do you go to school here?" "You seem like an interesting person etc." Just to get a conversation started. Once the conversation is started just small talk for about 5 minutes then say you have to go. Before you leave, give her your myspace profile and tell her to add you as a friend. If she is interested she will add you, if not, then she is not interested. This method works great because you can easily do this 15-25 times in one day without much effort. Once you have her as a friend it becomes very easy to contact her. You can see if she is in a relationship, her interests and so on. Not to mention, most importantly, you can ask her if you can come over to her place to watch a movie.
This method has gotten me laid countless times.
Last edited by killer2021; 03-10-2009 at 12:56 AM..
Im worse im 28 and never been in a serious relationship
Im deathly afraid of recjection,i already have low self esteem and if i got rejected by a few women in a row id go into even more of a shell..
It sucks i wish i was more confident or better but it is what it is,i cant just turn a swtich on and approach women i dont know out of nowhere..
If i was in your situation with already a few girlfriends and i knew some women found me attractive i would have much mroe confidence,u shouldnt be so down..
Im worse im 28 and never been in a serious relationship
Im deathly afraid of recjection,i already have low self esteem and if i got rejected by a few women in a row id go into even more of a shell..
It sucks i wish i was more confident or better but it is what it is,i cant just turn a swtich on and approach women i dont know out of nowhere..
If i was in your situation with already a few girlfriends and i knew some women found me attractive i would have much mroe confidence,u shouldnt be so down..
All the more reasons to use my myspace method from above. It entirely eliminates the rejection because you never leave room for rejection. The only way they can reject you is if they don't add you as a friend and by the time you realize that you won't even care because you'll be focused on the girls who did add you.
you are confusing timidity with wisdom.
find a hobby, eventually you will find common ground for a real relationship a strong relationship, i am not saying a flaming hollywood movie romance, i am talking about reality. good companionship it might not be a marriage or sexual relationship but it will be healthy. humans are fun, we are not solitary, its ok to be single but not ok to be isolated from the community. we sneak up on these major life issues, they evolve in a complex and indiscernable way, i hate eharmony, its not reality, its hook up. try a more subtle an indirect approach to your needs.
All the more reasons to use my myspace method from above. It entirely eliminates the rejection because you never leave room for rejection. The only way they can reject you is if they don't add you as a friend and by the time you realize that you won't even care because you'll be focused on the girls who did add you.
Not a bad point
All my friends are either married or getting married so i cant really meet anyone hanging out with them plus im never the one they and their wife try to hook up with someobdy maybe they dont think im worthy
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Over a period of time you will see that a few of these girls will be receptive of you.
