Has anyone here gotten over a partner cheating? (married, woman, love)
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The recent thread on cheating really reopened wounds for me. I had lulled myself into a false sense of security, even convincing myself I was happy, but talking about it just reminded me how easily I'm replacable for him. I find myself pulling back again...afraid of being hurt again.
Do you ever really get over a partners affair? Or does it just get dredged up over and over again until you, finally, give up and walk away?
I never have been able to, and, eventually, it ruined the marriage. I always just ended the relationship. Maybe a couple months later, but I always have ended relationships that my partner cheated on me. When I lose my sense of trust, what is left? Nothing much for me.
Some people can tolerate it, work thru it and move on. I just haven't been able to ever forgive the person, myself.
I never have been able to, and, eventually, it ruined the marriage. I always just ended the relationship. Maybe a couple months later, but I always have ended relationships that my partner cheated on me. When I lose my sense of trust, what is left? Nothing much for me.
Some people can tolerate it, work thru it and move on. I just haven't been able to ever forgive the person, myself.
I'm back to thinking I can't get past this. You know it's not even the affair itself but rather that I'm just so replacable to him. It only took 6 weeks from the time he moved out until he was in bed with someone else. How much do you really matter to a person who does that? I don't like the answer to that question. I'd like to think I matter but, apparently, I don't.
At least I have my kids. It does bring me some comfort to know I'm providing them with a stable household to grow up in. But that's not enough to get past an affair, is it? I have a bad feeling this is just going to keep repeating like a bad meal. Just when you think you've stuffed it down, back up it comes. It's not any easier to stuff down the second or third time either.
Last edited by Ivorytickler; 03-11-2009 at 07:39 PM..
The recent thread on cheating really reopened wounds for me. I had lulled myself into a false sense of security, even convincing myself I was happy, but talking about it just reminded me how easily I'm replacable for him. I find myself pulling back again...afraid of being hurt again.
Do you ever really get over a partners affair? Or does it just get dredged up over and over again until you, finally, give up and walk away?
I'm back to thinking I can't get past this. You know it's not even the affair itself but rather that I'm just so replacable to him. It only took 6 weeks from the time he moved out until he was in bed with someone else. How much do you really matter to a person who does that? I don't like the answer to that question. I'd like to think I matter but, apparently, I don't.
At least I have my kids. It does bring me some comfort to know I'm providing them with a stable household to grow up in. But that's not enough to get past an affair, is it? I have a bad feeling this is just going to keep repeating like a bad meal. Just when you think you've stuffed it down, back up it comes. It's not any easier to stuff down the second or third time either.
Honey, I think I've said this to you before, but I want to try again...you have to stop expecting your guy to think the way a woman thinks. You are insisting that what is normal for you is "normal" for everyone else, and that's just not the case. You gotta let the 6 week thing go and try real hard to look at this thing from his point of view for a change. And no, I'm not saying he was right - I'm just saying he has a point of view JUST AS VALID as yours, okay?
You cannot just move on...you need to acknowledge what happened...grieve...
who cares what they're doing now...an affair more often than not has nothing to do with the spouse...
Ok, theyre gone...the relationship is over... now what? feel angry, feel sad...feel whatever you need to feel...just don't glamorize it...then when you can begin to start to think about being with someone without the 'what if' then you may be ok You are in control of what you think and how you act...it is not fair to bring all your baggage into another relationship.
Honey, I think I've said this to you before, but I want to try again...you have to stop expecting your guy to think the way a woman thinks. You are insisting that what is normal for you is "normal" for everyone else, and that's just not the case. You gotta let the 6 week thing go and try real hard to look at this thing from his point of view for a change. And no, I'm not saying he was right - I'm just saying he has a point of view JUST AS VALID as yours, okay?
What is normal for me has to be normal in my relationship. Otherwise, it won't work.
I am looking at this from his point of view. It took him six weeks to find a replacement for me. That means I have minimal value to him. Yes, his point of view is valid. That's why I have a problem. To him, I have so little value, I can be replaced in short order. His point of view is the problem.
You cannot just move on...you need to acknowledge what happened...grieve...
who cares what they're doing now...an affair more often than not has nothing to do with the spouse...
Ok, theyre gone...the relationship is over... now what? feel angry, feel sad...feel whatever you need to feel...just don't glamorize it...then when you can begin to start to think about being with someone without the 'what if' then you may be ok You are in control of what you think and how you act...it is not fair to bring all your baggage into another relationship.
Problem is, I didn't move on to another relationship. That I could have handled. I went back to the old one. Or, rather, tried. It doesn't seem to be working. Just when I thought things were working out, all it took was a thread where I had to argue why it's wrong to cheat to reopen everything.
If that's all it takes, is there any hope of getting over this?
Probably the question should have included how do you get over a bruised ego because that is exactly what cheating does to the person who gets cheated on. My ex cheated on me like it was going grocery shopping. Not kidding! I think the final count when I bailed out on him was maybe 6 times? I actually lost count. Don't know why I hung in with him so long, had to be that I was young and "in LUV". The word stupid comes to mind here too. Anyhow, yes it is on my mind from time to time and it makes me angry now instead of hurt. So I do think you go in stages of getting over it and for some it can take years..like me. I haven't been with this moron for 28 years and when I do hear about him or see him, the anger starts all over. I have been married twice since him and neither one of cheated or have cheated. My second husband died young and my present husband wouldn't cheat.
It is a hurtful, mean, dishonest thing to do to someone that also puts a persons health in danger. People will tell you to "move on", or "find someone new".. do that also at your own pace. After my divorce, I stayed single for 10 years...dated but stayed single. I remarried and my second hubby died after only a year of being married. That really hurt so I stayed alone again for another 7 years. I met my present husband in 1997 and we were married in 2002 but lived together first. So...you see although I have moved on, the CHEATER that flew through my life will always make me angry...angry that I let it go on so long and angry that he had no qualms about hurting me and his son. You are normal!!
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Has anyone gotten over a partner cheating?
