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I think the "we", "us", and "ours" mentality is a huge presumption and sense of entitlement when you're not married, and moreso when there's a significant imbalance in incomes. Ideally one should talk to their SO about each other's values before moving in together, and definitely before having a baby together.
I agree 100%. But I doubt anyone will tell the other that they are doomed to be a subbie in their own home.
Eh. My boyfriend moved into my house five years ago. And we're really serious about each other. I charge him minimal rent and we split the utilities. It's still my house, and because of my dad's help, if something happened to me, my house would belong to my family. On the other hand, my boyfriend's family has a trust with a lot of property. I don't get involved with his family business, and I don't feel that he owes me a part of it.
Even if we had a child together and were NOT married, I would still consider our personal holdings separate.
However, if we get married, then everything would be shared. The key word here is being formally MARRIED. Without a marriage ceremony, if we had a baby together, I would expect child support from him, but still not his share of his family's assets. Having his baby does not entitle me to them imo.
BTW in regards to thebanker's thread. No way could any guy talk me into having his baby without being married to him first. I'm not an idiot.
If someone agrees to that, no biggie.
ETA: Having a baby doesn't entitle anyone to anything. Living together comes with certain entitlements, respect for one another is a given when you live together or not. No one should ever feel like an outsider in their own home. And if that is the goal of the person who makes all or more money, they should say so. You live as couple - not owner and tenant.
I'm not talking about assets, if he owns the home, it will be his when she's gone. But when they live their together it is THEIR home. What happens there should be discussed among them both. It is her life as well.
And my gripe doesn't just apply to co-habitating couples, it applies to married ones as well.
Last edited by PassTheChocolate; 04-23-2009 at 05:29 PM..
Eh. My boyfriend moved into my house five years ago. And we're really serious about each other. I charge him minimal rent and we split the utilities. It's still my house, and because of my dad's help, if something happened to me, my house would belong to my family. On the other hand, my boyfriend's family has a trust with a lot of property. I don't get involved with his family business, and I don't feel that he owes me a part of it.
Even if we had a child together and were NOT married, I would still consider our personal holdings separate.
However, if we get married, then everything would be shared. The key word here is being formally MARRIED. Without a marriage ceremony, if we had a baby together, I would expect child support from him, but still not his share of his family's assets. Having his baby does not entitle me to them imo.
BTW in regards to thebanker's thread. No way could any guy talk me into having his baby without being married to him first. I'm not an idiot.
Interesting thread. I think that a lot of conversations need to happen before you move in together. My BF and I are planning to live together after he proposes. He's moving into my apartment. We'll both be contributing the same percentage of our income to maintain the apartment. So, I'll consider it our apartment.
Most of the furniture and electronics in my apartment were either hand me downs or gifts. The only things I bought were the love seat and couch. If we split up, I'll keep them (he wouldn't want them anyway). Of course all the hand me downs and gifts would be mine too. I don't plan to make any major purchases until after we are married. If we get divorced, we'll split everything that was purchased after we were married.
Interesting thread. I think that a lot of conversations need to happen before you move in together. My BF and I are planning to live together after he proposes. He's moving into my apartment. We'll both be contributing the same percentage of our income to maintain the apartment. So, I'll consider it our apartment.
Most of the furniture and electronics in my apartment were either hand me downs or gifts. The only things I bought were the love seat and couch. If we split up, I'll keep them (he wouldn't want them anyway). Of course all the hand me downs and gifts would be mine too. I don't plan to make any major purchases until after we are married. If we get divorced, we'll split everything that was purchased after we were married.
That makes complete sense to me. I think, even with my posting, most are still thinking property, assets, monetary value. I wouldn't presume to take his grandfather's desk or give up my mother's home, even if we were married.
I'm talking about the basis of a union. When you agree to live as a married couple, common law or legally, you are sharing your life with the person you love. This thing of being the sole bread winner stripping the other of any input or weight in how the household is run or what rights they have is just alien to me. The idea of leaving a marriage with what you walked in with (as I stated in another thread) is lost to me. You don't enter into a life union with someone under the condition that you are entering into their world and they are loaning it to you. They are sharing their lives with you and you with them.
I agree 100%. But I doubt anyone will tell the other that they are doomed to be a subbie in their own home.
Isn't it the perfect time to use one's interpersonal skills? Ask questions, get to know a person, and realize where they stand on the issues. If both parties are practical enough then they can admit to each other their dislike of marriage and just draw up a contract on what they require of each other on the tangibles. It's like having the STD talk- it's awkward, some people don't even ask about it before having sex, some ask then take the person's word for it, and others require the test results.
ETA: Having a baby doesn't entitle anyone to anything. Living together comes with certain entitlements, respect for one another is a given when you live together or not. No one should ever feel like an outsider in their own home. And if that is the goal of the person who makes all or more money, they should say so. You live as couple - not owner and tenant.
I'm not talking about assets, if he owns the home, it will be his when she's gone. But when they live their together it is THEIR home. What happens there should be discussed among them both. It is her life as well.
And my gripe doesn't just apply to co-habitating couples, it applies to married ones as well.
Until she says differently, I feel very strongly that thebanker doesn't contribute to any of their household expenses with money that she's earned. I feel that at the moment, she is only a guest in HIS house. I feel that her status at the moment is only being his kept mistress. Come on, look at the thread asking if a guy would be willing to marry a prostitute. thebanker was a stripper when she lived in Canada. Most likely, her man enjoys her company as a female, but my gut feeling is that he doesn't consider her his true equal in a relationship, but more a plaything. But when she presses him for declarations of love and committment, he'll tell her anything to keep her happy. And because she is in his country and doesn't know the language, he has the upper hand in this situation. Also, there is nothing is stopping him from marrying her except his lack of desire to do so.
Isn't it the perfect time to use one's interpersonal skills? Ask questions, get to know a person, and realize where they stand on the issues. If both parties are practical enough then they can admit to each other their dislike of marriage and just draw up a contract on what they require of each other on the tangibles. It's like having the STD talk- it's awkward, some people don't even ask about it before having sex, some ask then take the person's word for it, and others require the test results.
Sure. But that acquainting period has long come and gone by the time people commit and things don't turn out quite as it was presented.
I don't think I'd move in with someone I love under contract.
I'm talking about the basis of a union. When you agree to live as a married couple, common law or legally, you are sharing your life with the person you love. This thing of being the sole bread winner stripping the other of any input or weight in how the household is run or what rights they have is just alien to me. The idea of leaving a marriage with what you walked in with (as I stated in another thread) is lost to me. You don't enter into a life union with someone under the condition that you are entering into their world and they are loaning it to you. They are sharing their lives with you and you with them.
If you had the "stuff" before you entered the relationship, why should you have to give it up if the relationship ends? In my case, bf would not even be interested in almost anything I have. All of my TVs are fairly small (32". 20", and a 13") and not too new. Other than that, you're talking some old furniture (except the two new items). Neither of us really have much, so there's little to fight over.
I'm not sure what other thread you are referring too, so maybe I'm missing something. What is the other thread?
That makes complete sense to me. I think, even with my posting, most are still thinking property, assets, monetary value. I wouldn't presume to take his grandfather's desk or give up my mother's home, even if we were married.
I'm talking about the basis of a union. When you agree to live as a married couple, common law or legally, you are sharing your life with the person you love. This thing of being the sole bread winner stripping the other of any input or weight in how the household is run or what rights they have is just alien to me. The idea of leaving a marriage with what you walked in with (as I stated in another thread) is lost to me. You don't enter into a life union with someone under the condition that you are entering into their world and they are loaning it to you. They are sharing their lives with you and you with them.
Maybe. Not all couples moving in together are making any kind of a commitment to each other at all. So you can't compare all couples living together to a couple who actually made a commitment to one another by getting married.
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