Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Everyone looking in would think we have the perfect little family. Married for 15 years with 4 kids, 12, 10, 8, 2. We were married young, neither of us ever lived on our own, thought we were going to kill each other that first year of marriage trying to adjust. Have dealt with husband drinking, drugs, and staying out late or all night for most of the 15 years. Wasn't aware of the drug problem, until a relative brought it to my attention. Apparently during some of these all night outings there were some indiscretions with other women that I just recently found out about. We have also had to deal with his temper. He has threathened to hurt himself in attempt to get my sympathy. Just recently he put his hand through a window and the police were called by a neighbor. I have never feared that he is going to hurt me or the kids. He feels love my being close and intimate, and sometimes doesn't stop at no, this leaves me with a great deal of resentment. Through the 15 years I always have accepted his apology and went on. Now here I am 15 years into a marriage wondering if I can keep going. I had a breif affair and he does know about it. I am not making excuses for myself. It was a terrible thing, something I would never have thought I could do, and would never wish it upon anyone. When I think of the future at this point I don't see us together. I feel like we don't bring out the best in each other, although he swears to change. I love him and want the best for him, but I am emotionally exhausted and just want peace and happiness at this point. I don't want to keep dragging things on and end up hating each other. I want to be able to be friends for our kids. Do I put on a happy face and keep going for the kids. I think they deserve happy parents too, even if that is being apart. So confused, any advice would be appreciated. We have been to some marriage counseling, but it doesn't seem to help.
Why are you teaching your children that what you have is what a relationship is all about? Do you want your children to have the same dysfunctional marriage you do? I will never understand why people think that subjecting their children to a dysfunctional marriage is good for them. Children don't need two parent in the same household to have as happy, well-adjusted childhood. They need to have TWO happy well-adjusted parents who love them. If the ycan be in the same household, great. If not, go your separate ways.
My parents stayed together "for the children" until I was 14, and that was 14 years too long, because in reality they were having problems before I was even born. Children pick up on the parent's energy, even if they don't see or hear anything, and they see and hear more than you think they ever will. It makes for problems in adult life that sometimes require counseling or result in picking bad partners or making poor decisions. In retrospect I wish my parents would have divorced earlier than they did. I agree with the above poster.
Sounds like a mess at this point. People with alcohol and drug problem tend to mature slower. The putting the hand through a window thing is a classic example.
I believe in keeping the family together but your kids are getting to the age where they will start mimicking his behavior, anger, drugs and alcohol and then you'll have an even larger problem.
I won't say kick him to the curb but you'd be doing him, yourself and your kids a huge favor by insisting he stop if hes capable on his own or through other means, no sob stories no i'm sorry's. Threatening to harm him self if it were said in front of the right counselor would land him in a facility that would evaluate the validity of the threat and at the very least set up counseling for him and give him a number to call if he feels the need to talk.
Generally, I think you owe it to your kids to make every attempt to make a marriage work before calling it quits. In this case though, your husband sounds unstable. Have you considered counseling just for yourself to help you see all the options you have so you can make a good decision with regard to your marriage? You talk a lot about how all of your marital problems are affecting you, but you haven't said anything about how they are affecting your kids. Are they doing well in school or are their grades slipping? Do they bring friends home or are they hesitant to? Do they seem happy and relaxed at home or do they do anything to stay away from the house? How is their relationship with their father? Are any of them acting out? These are the things you need to look at when trying to decide if your staying together is hurting the kids or not.
I am still married because of my kids. I am so sick of outsiders who know nothing of my situation telling me that it actually is hurting the kids. That the kids can sense there are problems. This is not the case. It would be a shock to many people if we ever split up. It has been this way for years. I have made my peace with it, and I am just trying to live a good and happy life for myself, children, and my wife. My feelings are locked deep inside. I don't know. Maybe I'm the exception. Anyway, I would not look at it as staying in the marriage for the children. Instead I would look at it as wanting out of the marriage so the kids do not see their father and think what is does is the norm. Now, if you still love him then I think it's different. You need to tell your children that dad is sick and needs everybody's support. Then do what it takes to get him back on the right track. If that fails then leave because, again, you do not want your children to think it is normal. That's my opinion...
The kids seem to be ok, do well in school, sports, bring friends home. Except for the occasional out burst at home, the kids don't see alot of what goes on. Most of the drinking and drugs took place outside the home on weekends. I don't know of any recent drug use, I am told all of that has stopped. He is making attempts to change now that it has gotten to this point. He wonders why I feel like it is over, but I feel like I have been trying for 15 years!
Then I guess the biggest question is, "Do you still love him?" If so, marriage vows are for better or for worse. If you do still love him but resent everything he does then that love will soon turn to anger. If you are through trying to make it work then stop trying to fix it and move on.
Why are you teaching your children that what you have is what a relationship is all about? Do you want your children to have the same dysfunctional marriage you do? I will never understand why people think that subjecting their children to a dysfunctional marriage is good for them. Children don't need two parent in the same household to have as happy, well-adjusted childhood. They need to have TWO happy well-adjusted parents who love them. If the ycan be in the same household, great. If not, go your separate ways.
I agree...
People listen to these "statistics" that say if they divorce, their kids will have drug problems. I wonder where these statistics come from, because there are kids from married families who do drugs. I wonder what kids are admitting to drug usage who are from divorced families. So see, claiming kids are going to have bad lives because of divorce is silly.
I divorced for several reasons. Both of my kids excelled in school. My ex and I were both proactive in their lives. My kids were not interested in drugs and never got in trouble in school. They picked good friends.
I think staying in a marriage that shows one parent constantly suffering is not good for the kids, and never think the kids aren't seeing it.
If both partners are willing to work on the marriage, that is great. But if one doesn't, or just gives lip service to it and goes through the motions, it is a waste of time.
I think some promote staying in a marriage that is essentially dead, essentially a piece of paper, a legal document about property, etc., because they feel they cannot give up the dream. It is hard. Having years together and a history is hard to give up, but when one partner has left the marriage, it is only a matter of time before they physically leave. It is not good to wait and wait and live one's life in limbo, and then when the kids are grown, split. It will be far harder to get on one's feet. I think some fear being single so much, they will hang onto the dead horse as long as they can.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
