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My fiance and I have had many obstacles to overcome since we got engaged: him finding a job, having to move away from home, moving in together, adapting to life together (cleaning, cooking, other chores) and so on...
I have realized (and this may be in part due to my resistance to move away) that he does not communicate nearly as much as I thought he would.
- Rarely will he tell me what I am doing bothers him...
- Rarely will he talk about his feelings (i know...you will say most guys don't)
- Often he will be very defensive when I bring up things that I don't like and will look for a way to turn the blame on me
- Often he will try to avoid problems rather than deal with them...
- Often he will roll his eyes at me when I talk about our issues...
- On occasion he has said things like "what do you know anyway..."
I found an interesting book on the internet by John Gottman. He is a couples psychologist who has been studying why marriages WORK (as opposed to why they fail) and has developed a very interesting theory and guidelines for couples to strengthen their marriage.
I presented this book to my fiance more than once, saying that it would be an interesting tool that can help us overcome some of our difficulties.
He absolutely refuses to read it...and gives me bogus reasons why he can't...I interpret this as his unwillingness to even recognize our problems. (He has no problem slaving over his work though...it sometimes seems like he puts more effort into his work than his relationship...or maybe doesn't realize that good marriages are the result of years of work - he wants the good without the bad and won't recognize or deal with the bad).
I strongly believe in Dr. Gottman principles and believe that EVERY married couple should read this book. How can I get him to open up to the idea?
For those who are interested in this book, here is a link:
Moderator cut: No recommendations W/under ten posts. No advertising allowed.
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Last edited by 2goldens; 09-11-2009 at 10:21 AM..
Reason: Removed URL to advertising book
I dont understand why you would marry someone who has does so many things that annoy you. If you are thinking "maybe he'll change", they never do. But good luck!
If I had to guess again? You''re nagging him and now every time you try to approach him about problems he rolls his eyes and thinks: Here we go again she's telling me how I'm failing.
If this is a real post you both need to learn how to communicate without taking shots at each other.
My fiance and I have had many obstacles to overcome since we got engaged: him finding a job, having to move away from home, moving in together, adapting to life together (cleaning, cooking, other chores) and so on...
I have realized (and this may be in part due to my resistance to move away) that he does not communicate nearly as much as I thought he would.
- Rarely will he tell me what I am doing bothers him...
- Rarely will he talk about his feelings (i know...you will say most guys don't)
- Often he will be very defensive when I bring up things that I don't like and will look for a way to turn the blame on me
- Often he will try to avoid problems rather than deal with them...
- Often he will roll his eyes at me when I talk about our issues...
- On occasion he has said things like "what do you know anyway..."
I found an interesting book on the internet by John Gottman. He is a couples psychologist who has been studying why marriages WORK (as opposed to why they fail) and has developed a very interesting theory and guidelines for couples to strengthen their marriage.
I presented this book to my fiance more than once, saying that it would be an interesting tool that can help us overcome some of our difficulties.
He absolutely refuses to read it...and gives me bogus reasons why he can't...I interpret this as his unwillingness to even recognize our problems. (He has no problem slaving over his work though...it sometimes seems like he puts more effort into his work than his relationship...or maybe doesn't realize that good marriages are the result of years of work - he wants the good without the bad and won't recognize or deal with the bad).
I strongly believe in Dr. Gottman principles and believe that EVERY married couple should read this book. How can I get him to open up to the idea?
First, Men fix things....they don't need fixing. Especially by a woman.
To tell him about the "issues" you need to discuss is only going to break out in an argument. A man will avoid a situation where he knows will end up in an argument.
You are constantly confronting him about the things you don't like. How about telling him the things you do like?
My advice to you is to read the book yourself and apply things that apply to you. Stop trying to change the man you fell in love with. Or did you just fall in love thinking you can "change" things about him.
Last edited by 2goldens; 09-11-2009 at 10:21 AM..
Reason: Removed advertiisng link
My fiance and I have had many obstacles to overcome since we got engaged: him finding a job, having to move away from home, moving in together, adapting to life together (cleaning, cooking, other chores) and so on...
I have realized (and this may be in part due to my resistance to move away) that he does not communicate nearly as much as I thought he would.
- Rarely will he tell me what I am doing bothers him...
- Rarely will he talk about his feelings (i know...you will say most guys don't)
- Often he will be very defensive when I bring up things that I don't like and will look for a way to turn the blame on me
- Often he will try to avoid problems rather than deal with them...
- Often he will roll his eyes at me when I talk about our issues...
- On occasion he has said things like "what do you know anyway..."
I found an interesting book on the internet by John Gottman. He is a couples psychologist who has been studying why marriages WORK (as opposed to why they fail) and has developed a very interesting theory and guidelines for couples to strengthen their marriage.
I presented this book to my fiance more than once, saying that it would be an interesting tool that can help us overcome some of our difficulties.
He absolutely refuses to read it...and gives me bogus reasons why he can't...I interpret this as his unwillingness to even recognize our problems. (He has no problem slaving over his work though...it sometimes seems like he puts more effort into his work than his relationship...or maybe doesn't realize that good marriages are the result of years of work - he wants the good without the bad and won't recognize or deal with the bad).
I strongly believe in Dr. Gottman principles and believe that EVERY married couple should read this book. How can I get him to open up to the idea?
No offense bigquestions, but it seems to me you are looking for excuses to break this engagement and move home
But the truth is, you don't need excuses! You don't need to pick this guy apart and convince anyone (especially folks on an internet forum) how much he needs to be "fixed" - just go home! There is no shame in that. What would be a shame is to continue to waste his time and yours trying to make square blocks fit into round holes.
Last edited by 2goldens; 09-11-2009 at 10:22 AM..
Reason: Removed advertising link
My fiance and I have had many obstacles to overcome since we got engaged: him finding a job, having to move away from home, moving in together, adapting to life together (cleaning, cooking, other chores) and so on...
I have realized (and this may be in part due to my resistance to move away) that he does not communicate nearly as much as I thought he would.
- Rarely will he tell me what I am doing bothers him...
- Rarely will he talk about his feelings (i know...you will say most guys don't)
- Often he will be very defensive when I bring up things that I don't like and will look for a way to turn the blame on me
- Often he will try to avoid problems rather than deal with them...
- Often he will roll his eyes at me when I talk about our issues...
- On occasion he has said things like "what do you know anyway..."
I found an interesting book on the internet by John Gottman. He is a couples psychologist who has been studying why marriages WORK (as opposed to why they fail) and has developed a very interesting theory and guidelines for couples to strengthen their marriage.
I presented this book to my fiance more than once, saying that it would be an interesting tool that can help us overcome some of our difficulties.
He absolutely refuses to read it...and gives me bogus reasons why he can't...I interpret this as his unwillingness to even recognize our problems. (He has no problem slaving over his work though...it sometimes seems like he puts more effort into his work than his relationship...or maybe doesn't realize that good marriages are the result of years of work - he wants the good without the bad and won't recognize or deal with the bad).
I strongly believe in Dr. Gottman principles and believe that EVERY married couple should read this book. How can I get him to open up to the idea?
The problems you listed aren't exclusive to men. Not all men are the same just as not all women are the same. I dated someone like your fiance. She was lousy at discussing her feelings, would get defensive if I brought up things I didn't like, and would avoid problems instead of dealing with them. I disagree with the previous posters who said you should stop telling him what you don't like. Relationships never work if you can't be candid with your partner. No one likes to be nagged, but if you show an unwillingness to listen, then you're only making the problem worse.
Your post just underscores why people should live together before getting married. I bet if you had, you would've spotted all these red flags a lot sooner. I do agree with the others who've said you won't be able to change him. Only he can do that, provided he wants to. If he's unwilling to make the effort or even own up to his failings, then that speaks volumes about him.
Last edited by 2goldens; 09-11-2009 at 10:22 AM..
Reason: Removed advertising link
The problems you listed aren't exclusive to men. Not all men are the same just as not all women are the same. I dated someone like your fiance. She was lousy at discussing her feelings, would get defensive if I brought up things I didn't like, and would avoid problems instead of dealing with them. I disagree with the previous posters who said you should stop telling him what you don't like. Relationships never work if you can't be candid with your partner. No one likes to be nagged, but if you show an unwillingness to listen, then you're only making the problem worse.
Your post just underscores why people should live together before getting married. I bet if you had, you would've spotted all these red flags a lot sooner. I do agree with the others who've said you won't be able to change him. Only he can do that, provided he wants to. If he's unwilling to make the effort or even own up to his failings, then that speaks volumes about him.
Denny, you need to read more closely - they aren't married and she IS living with him
In addition, she is extremely homesick since she moved away with him and not really ready for marriage. Read her other thread to catch up:
Some people are unwilling to do the right thing and or get help. Like in the case in trying to get a SO to go to Counceling or to end a self destructive drug habit. You cannot force anyone to do what you want. They have to do it themselves, and sadly most will never. I know easier said than done, but find someone more compatible.
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