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Over the years I've had many friends tell me of “Dear John” letters they had received, and although they were all devastating to the recipient I noticed that they also shared a common fault - they were BORING! Letter after tear-stained letter, the same old
“Dear John, I'm leaving you for another man. Best Regards, Marsha”.
Yawn.
After mulling this problem over, I thought it might be well to write a quick guide to the art and science of writing a proper “Dear John” letter.
1. DON'T call your cuckolded mate “John”, unless, of course, that happens to be his actual name. Too many times a man named Fred or Murray or Poindexter would receive a letter starting off, “Dear John”. Paying attention to small details such as this will make your letter more memorable.
2. DON'T name your new-found friend, or worse, his address. One letter gloated,
“I'm running off with Jack Willows, who currently resides at 345 Propecia Street, Hairpiece, OH, 12345. He's a MUCH better man than YOU, Stanley. Goodbye!”
Stanley is currently serving 30-to-life for homicide.
3. DO try to list at least a few good points about your soon-to-be-abandoned mate.
“George, I know you're a good man, an honest man, a noble man and a great provider, and you have REALLY NICE hair (this puts George into a more serene mindset), but you can't *%$@ for beans. Ta-ta!”
4. DON'T forget to say, “I know you tried...”. This will ease the burden of guilt on your cheated-upon spouse, even if he never tried at all. Hey, you've got your freedom - what more do you want?
5. DO draw a little smiley face after your signature - the world needs more smiles!
6. DON'T ramble. Stick to the point; make it short and sweet. Try not to imitate this letter:
“Dear John:
You know how my eyelids are all gritty and sticky when I first wake up? How the doctor said it was a normal reaction to sleep? Well, you and I both know that 3 years of medication didn't do a thing. THREE YEARS! And Mrs. Goldfarb next door - she always has to brag about how SHE wakes up bright-eyed every day! That *****! Oh, honey, did you get a chance to put the storm doors up? It's starting to get chilly and you know what the oil bills were like last year. Little Jack has a recital next Tuesday, so I'll need the car. I'm leaving you for another man, so if you just want to pop a frozen pizza into the microwave tonight, that would probably be best, and please make sure the laundry gets folded tonight before it gets all wrinkly...”
7. DO try to keep a sense of humor about the whole affair(!). Try this:
“Dear John: Did you hear the one about the lonely housewife and the traveling salesman?...Well, guess what!”
Take all those good things he's done for you and twist them around in a negative way. That way, he will realize that he never had any chance to make the grade and it will be easier for him.
Finally, if you are willing to risk your reputation a bit, come across as a neurotic twit, that he was just too stupid to properly cater to and he will soon be be happy to see the last of you.
always tell them they were too good for you.
remember telling them like it is is what caused the breakup
now tell them what they wana hear they are a goddess and you are garbage not worth their time.
Here is a good example of a great break up letter: (the second letter)
This is the first letter, from Elizabeth to Brad apologizing.
Quote:
Brad,
It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different person. It is weird, the world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, I can't imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behavior didn't reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened. I am so sorry.
Elizabeth
This is the second letter..... Brad's response to Elizabeth
Quote:
Dear Elizabeth,
Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under 'L' for 'Long-winded diatribes from drunken wh*res I couldn't care less about'. You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is 'a stupid thing'; Mixing in a red Sock with a load of whites is 'a stupid thing'; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you ate too much raisin bran that morning isn't as much a 'Stupid thing' as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar. To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once, but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying 'Well, I didn't **** him' somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world 'looked funny' to you yesterday. Since your World revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible person, they just think you're the average run of the mill ***-guzzling blonde who commands about as much respect as your average child porn collector.
By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.
2. DON'T name your new-found friend, or worse, his address. One letter gloated,
“I'm running off with Jack Willows, who currently resides at 345 Propecia Street, Hairpiece, OH, 12345. He's a MUCH better man than YOU, Stanley. Goodbye!”
Stanley is currently serving 30-to-life for homicide.
And Jane is currently collecting Jack's insurance policies........
And Jane is currently collecting Jack's insurance policies........
Ain't it the truth...bunch of black widows...
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