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I don't care for the article bc it focused so much on the effects it has on children. We all know plenty of children from divorced families who are happy, healthy, and well-adjusted...and able to maintain a good relationship. It's not all doom and gloom.
And it doesn't mention anything about children growing up in a toxic, unhappy environment (where unhappy parents stay together), either.
I don't think the answer is stopping divorce. I think we need to focus in on people getting married in the first place. I swear, it seems like people put as much thought into picking their spouses as they do buying a freakin' Big Mac.
And friends and family need not to feel shy about getting involved and saying something if they think something's wrong. That's a practice that fell out of style that we need to pick up again.
Listen...as long as women can make a buck on their own, you're going to see more divorces. I really believe that their weren't as many back in the day bc people shut up and put up with stuff bc they had no other way to support themselves.
My dad was 19, my mother was 16. The lived together for a little over a year, and were divorced about a week before their first wedding aniversary.
They hated one another. My mom was to young, rebelious, and wanted to do 16 year old things. My dad thought that he had to be my grandfather, could sleep around, beat my mom, and expected a made from scratch meal every night.
As my mom put it, "He expected me to become Mary F***** Poppins overnight". He changed the way she dressed, told her to talk differently, have a bee hive hair do, the whole nine yards.
They hate one another, and the judge tried to get them to stay together for me. I seriously think one would have killed the other, yet I'm not sure who.
Then there is my Grandparents on my fathers side.
They have stayed together, despite my grandfathers fooling around, despite his drinking, despite his physical and emotional abuse.
Don't get me wrong, my Grandfather and I have a great relationship. He treats me completely different than he did his children. But he was a different man to my dad and his siblings. My grandmother is an awesome woman. She is smart, she was very good looking back in her time, and could have done anything she wanted with her life. Instead, she gave all of that up for children, and a marriage she isn't happy in. She covers herself up well, but you can see that she isn't happy when you get her to talk. She fills in the whole in her heart, with love for her children and grandkids. She thinks my son hung the moon.
But I can't help but think what if for her. I might not be here, but what could her life had been if she was born in a different era when divorce was acceptable?
I have never, not once, seen a picture perfect marriage. The best marriages seem to be a compromise between what people really want in life, and what they feel is best for their children.
Humans weren't meant to live this way. Humans were meant to form parental relationships, where the man left the home for weeks or months at a time, while the mother raised the children, with little to no effect of the man. We were born to live seperate lives, and I think its funny that a religious belief has changed our household dynamics from where we evolved from.
Don't get me wrong, I love my son, he is my best friend. But we aren't meant to be with the same partner in raising that child forever.
Ever wonder why they call it the "seven year itch"? The reason we have that itch, is because usually the child was somewhat able to take care of themselves after 6 to 7 years. They followed the mother, but they had responsibility. The father was gone after 7 years, and rarely ever showed back up. The mother didn't want the man around anymore either.
Thats natural, thats the way we were, and thats the way we should be again.
I don't care for the article bc it focused so much on the effects it has on children. We all know plenty of children from divorced families who are happy, healthy, and well-adjusted...and able to maintain a good relationship. It's not all doom and gloom.
And it doesn't mention anything about children growing up in a toxic, unhappy environment (where unhappy parents stay together), either.
I don't think the answer is stopping divorce. I think we need to focus in on people getting married in the first place. I swear, it seems like people put as much thought into picking their spouses as they do buying a freakin' Big Mac.
And friends and family need not to feel shy about getting involved and saying something if they think something's wrong. That's a practice that fell out of style that we need to pick up again.
Listen...as long as women can make a buck on their own, you're going to see more divorces. I really believe that their weren't as many back in the day bc people shut up and put up with stuff bc they had no other way to support themselves.
I agree with the part about the family should speak up. My Dad said nothing when I was marrying a girl in a poor neighborhood, on welfare, with a 5 year old son. What is the problem with the question: "Is this really what you want son?" I mean, this at least would wake me up to the seriousness I would be facing in raising someone elses son. Sheesh. Doesn't anyone give a crap anymore about other people's future?
I appreciate all the thoughts that have been posted so far.
There are alot of broken homes, hearts and lives.
Children have more grandparents and cousins and uncles and aunts than ever before in human history. Step this and half that. I think that has to be confusing in itself.
Anyways, with all the upbringings now we all have to remember there is mental illnesses too that make things even harder to deal with. Undetected illnesses that we overlook. We know when a person has a broken leg. We don't know when someone is suffering inside emotionally or mentally.
My dad was 19, my mother was 16. The lived together for a little over a year, and were divorced about a week before their first wedding aniversary.
They hated one another. My mom was to young, rebelious, and wanted to do 16 year old things. My dad thought that he had to be my grandfather, could sleep around, beat my mom, and expected a made from scratch meal every night.
As my mom put it, "He expected me to become Mary F***** Poppins overnight". He changed the way she dressed, told her to talk differently, have a bee hive hair do, the whole nine yards.
They hate one another, and the judge tried to get them to stay together for me. I seriously think one would have killed the other, yet I'm not sure who.
Then there is my Grandparents on my fathers side.
They have stayed together, despite my grandfathers fooling around, despite his drinking, despite his physical and emotional abuse.
Don't get me wrong, my Grandfather and I have a great relationship. He treats me completely different than he did his children. But he was a different man to my dad and his siblings. My grandmother is an awesome woman. She is smart, she was very good looking back in her time, and could have done anything she wanted with her life. Instead, she gave all of that up for children, and a marriage she isn't happy in. She covers herself up well, but you can see that she isn't happy when you get her to talk. She fills in the whole in her heart, with love for her children and grandkids. She thinks my son hung the moon.
But I can't help but think what if for her. I might not be here, but what could her life had been if she was born in a different era when divorce was acceptable?
I have never, not once, seen a picture perfect marriage. The best marriages seem to be a compromise between what people really want in life, and what they feel is best for their children.
Humans weren't meant to live this way. Humans were meant to form parental relationships, where the man left the home for weeks or months at a time, while the mother raised the children, with little to no effect of the man. We were born to live seperate lives, and I think its funny that a religious belief has changed our household dynamics from where we evolved from.
Don't get me wrong, I love my son, he is my best friend. But we aren't meant to be with the same partner in raising that child forever.
Ever wonder why they call it the "seven year itch"? The reason we have that itch, is because usually the child was somewhat able to take care of themselves after 6 to 7 years. They followed the mother, but they had responsibility. The father was gone after 7 years, and rarely ever showed back up. The mother didn't want the man around anymore either.
Thats natural, thats the way we were, and thats the way we should be again.
With all due respect, you are all kinds of twisted. Nothing of what you say here is "natural."
I have never, not once, seen a picture perfect marriage. The best marriages seem to be a compromise between what people really want in life, and what they feel is best for their children.
Memphis, you make some great points in your post, and I loved the stories about your parents and grandparents. However, this statement is just so cynical. I've seen a few ridiculously happy marriages (granted they are the minority). My grandparent's marriage was one of them. Even in their 60s, they would having yelling matches, and my grandma would throw things at my grandpa. (He would usually be laughing at this point.) Now mind you, I witnessed this as a grandchild. We kids used to get to stay the night at their house on the weekends sometimes. (We liked to do it because they had a really cool t.v. in the spare bedroom that grandma would let us stay up and watch.) Anyways, while over there, we would sometimes witness these battle royales. It's funny. You hear about watching parents fight, but not usually grandparents. Most old people have it out of their systems by the time grandchildren come around. Not them. They were both very passionate people.
Still, this marriage was very happy. They loved each other immensely. My grandma would look at my grandpa the way Nancy Reagan would look at Ronnie. You could just see the love and devotion beaming in her eyes. And my grandpa thought she was made of gold. He was always visibly proud of her in her presence. They tried to get seperate beds when they were in their mid 70s, but they couldn't do it. The first week, they pushed the twin beds together. Within a month, they got rid of them and bought a King. They would laugh, embarrassedly, about their fighting sometimes, but they would say they always loved the making up part.
I could tell other stories of other marriages. For some, marriage is the best part of life, and it has a lot more to do than just the kids.
Well anyone I knew that came from a split home...The parents that fought like crazy and then divorced turned out the troubled ones more often. I think that is what probably messes with kids more than anything. Or if one parent uses them as a tool for maniplation on the ex.
I think it really depends on everyone involved and what happens after the fact.
With all due respect, you are all kinds of twisted. Nothing of what you say here is "natural."
You think it's natural to stay with the same person your whole life despite your physical and emotional feelings to the contrary?
Or is what's natural pretending to be happily married while ~80% of husbands cheat...obviously the natural urge is overwhelmingly not to stay with one person.
You think it's natural to stay with the same person your whole life despite your physical and emotional feelings to the contrary?
A. I do think it is natural to stay with the same person your whole life.
B. If you have feelings to the contrary, that needs to be worked on and worked out. Children deserve to be raised to adulthood by both of their parents.
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Or is what's natural pretending to be happily married while ~80% of husbands cheat...obviously the natural urge is overwhelmingly not to stay with one person.
I don't subscribe to this theory of parenting and marital relationships, which seems to have come from "Wild Kingdom."
80% of husbands cheat? Where do you get that from? I must be in that small 20%..............and so are most of my friends.
Marriage as we know it is a fairly recent invention. Prior to the 1800's, people married primarily to keep property within families. Love had nothing to do with it. Extramarital affairs were quite common, and depending on one's social standing, were tolerated and even encouraged.
Only recently have we come up with "faithful til death do us part". And frankly it doesn't make sense from a scientific standpoint anyway. Funyman is correct in saying that age 6 or 7 is usually how long it took our young to learn to hunt and gather. Of course, now that's turning into 25, 30 years, but that's our fault as well.
Staying married for the kids is always a crapshoot. Every child is different....even though I don't have any I know that. I wish my parents had divorced long long ago. It would have saved so much grief and ugliness and perhaps I would have had a better model of a "grown-up relationship". Oh well.
Truly, it is far too easy to get married and too hard to get divorced. It should be the other way around. You should have to take classes, pass tests, have simulations regarding situations you will face as a married couple. After all they call it a marriage "license", all you have to do is pay some money to get it. Should be an actual test and a waiting period. Just like for having kids, but that's wayyyy off topic.
Divorce, on the other hand, should be much easier. It should be available for a flat fee, no lawyer necessary, judge I can't do this anymore, I'm desperately unhappy and deserve to be happy. He bangs his gavel and says "next case!". Of course, part of premarital counseling is a binding prenup which covers everything from custody to who gets the china to how to divvy up the money. It can be continually updated (postnup) just like your investment portfolio or insurance needs should be updated.
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What is the problem with the question: "Is this really what you want son?" I mean, this at least would wake me up to the seriousness I would be facing in raising someone elses son. Sheesh. Doesn't anyone give a crap anymore about other people's future?
