Make a list of good / bad qualities to determine whether or not to continue (married, female)

[recuerdeme]

So according to Janet Jackson in her role as therapist in the "Why did I get married" movie...

Making a list of the good and the bad can help in determining whether or not you should continue a relationship when you are in doubt. Has anyone ever done this? Did you find out there was more bad than good and ended the relationship or even continued it even though the odds were not in your favor?

They also say sometimes you have to go with your heart regardless of everything else?

They say a lot...

[SifuPhil]

Personally I think it's quite anal to make a list like that, for that purpose. It feeds into the (usually) female need to categorize and prioritize.

If you can't listen to your heart, you'll have a tough time in life - whether living with yourself or with someone else.

[PassTheChocolate]

So much of this depends on where they excel and fail and how it balances out with/compliments with the rest.

I say if it doesn't feel good, it isn't good. Whether it's coming from you or your partner, you shouldn't be in it.

[Marylandkitten]

I've made lists before.

Problem with pros and cons lists are.... they tend to swing to fit your fancy. (and that can change given time, information, education, or experience)

Comfort is in familiarity. I moved away from my abusive husband of 5 years, and found myself stuck in a rut, and other than going back home to mom with my tail between my legs - I didn't really have anywhere else to go. I sat down and made a list of pros and cons, to sort out whether I should go to mom's, or go back home and try to continue to work on my marriage.

The entire list comprised of me literally "talking myself into" my comfort-related reasons why I was better off at home with him, rather than uprooting my entire lifestyle to start over alone again.

I found that list saved to my desktop when I was cleaning up (almost 2 years later) and almost cried for my own stupidity. It's a wonder I made it this far. If I had listened to my list and gone back home, I can't imagine what kind of mental, emotional, or physical state I would be in now. As it turns, I went to mom's with everything I owned in the back of my truck, and settled here, to begin picking up the pieces of my life. I am safely divorced, newly employed, and working every day less and less at having to hold my head up and smile.

Lists can be frustrating. And decieving. You can't make yourself listen to an answer that you simply are not ready to wrap your mind around yet. And while I would always, always recommend putting your thoughts down on paper to help sort them out in your head, this one particular experience (and how easily it could have resulted in something completely different had I chosen the path of my bias list) haunts me to this day.

You have to be able to remove yourself entirely from the situation, to be able make level-headed judgement calls when making your list, and this isn't something that everyone is able to sucessfully accomplish.

[2mares]

It would make for good practice when divorce proceedings begin and you have to make list of assests and liabilities and marital property and personal property...etc. ...etc.

[yayoi]

I don't need a list. I go by my instinct.

[LaoTzuMindFu]

Originally Posted by SifuPhil

Personally I think it's quite anal to make a list like that, for that purpose. It feeds into the (usually) female need to categorize and prioritize.

If you can't listen to your heart, you'll have a tough time in life - whether living with yourself or with someone else.

Great post that sums up exactly how I feel about it.

I think more than being extremely anal, its quite stupid to do so. But what do you expect from a stupid movie.

[MontanaGuy]

If anyone is even considering making a list in the first place there must be something that they're concerned about. I don't think a list is practical though because it's not simply a matter of adding up the number of good or bad qualities because all of these qualities are going to vary in importance. For example, having a good quality of being kind to animals is not going to offset a bad quality of being on the sexual predator list. I think a person needs to go by their gut instinct and not try to over analyze it.

[PJSaturn]

I agree with Marylandkitten, that such lists are biased and could lead one in the wrong direction. I suppose it could be helpful sometimes to jot down your thoughts, but the pros and cons list just won't work. I like to fall back on advice that Ann Landers used to give: just ask yourself, "Would I be better off with or without him/her?" Then go with the gut feeling.

[Yzette]

Originally Posted by recuerdeme

So according to Janet Jackson in her role as therapist in the "Why did I get married" movie...

Making a list of the good and the bad can help in determining whether or not you should continue a relationship when you are in doubt. Has anyone ever done this? Did you find out there was more bad than good and ended the relationship or even continued it even though the odds were not in your favor?

They also say sometimes you have to go with your heart regardless of everything else?

They say a lot...

Not lists so much, but I find that writing out my thoughts in a journal helps a lot.