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my ex wife had 2 kids by someone else, while pretending they were mine.
the first one, i suspected, but the second, i was pretty sure.
however, there's a little bit of you which wants to believe they are.
i was good to them, even stopping work to look after them. after we split, i continued access visits, taking them out at the weekends.
then, 2 years later, she found out i had a new girlfriend, and it all started to go horribly wrong. despite the fact she was remarried herself, she couldn't accept that i'd moved on.
to cut a long story short, i got a text message one day which said "they aren't yours, you'll never see them again".
they were 5, and 6 at the time, and, despite pretty much knowing they weren't mine, i grew to love them like they were.
i continued to see my son, who WAS actually mine, but after some time, she'd split up with her new guy, and must have been wanting a cheap babysitter, because she suddenly decided that "i'd always treated them well, and they missed their daddy". she wanted me to start visitations again !!
to date, probably one of the hardest decisions i've made, to say no.
i wanted to see them, but knew she was such a cow, they could be taken away again at any time.
Were you their legal father? I'm not talking biological here...did they know you, as their father?
i am named on their birth certificates as father, and i raised them as mine, they did call me "dad".
once i found out, there would have been legal avenues i could've taken to still see them, but they're pretty much unenforceable without jailing the mother, and i was advised that not many judges would even consider that.
plus, i'd then have found myself paying maintenance towards someoe else's kids, while she probably claimed from their biological father.
also, after i knew for definite, i could never have treated them the same. it was hard enough when i only suspected
it was hard, but i learned a big lesson !!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChessieMom
Were you their legal father? I'm not talking biological here...did they know you, as their father?
i am named on their birth certificates as father, and i raised them as mine, they did call me "dad".
once i found out, there would have been legal avenues i could've taken to still see them, but they're pretty much unenforceable without jailing the mother, and i was advised that not many judges would even consider that.
plus, i'd then have found myself paying maintenance towards someoe else's kids, while she probably claimed from their biological father.
also, after i knew for definite, i could never have treated them the same. it was hard enough when i only suspected
it was hard, but i learned a big lesson !!!
I guess I don't get that. If they knew you as their father, and you loved them, then why not get parental rights? You make it sound as if it really IS about the money. It might be for her, but is that a reason to make it so, for you? Or for the kids? They are the ones that lost here. Big time.
Sorry - I'm not judging here...I just couldn't let go of a child in that situation. Everyone is different.
if i'm being entirely honest, the money was a consideration, when i left, i had pretty much the clothes i stood up in, and not much else.
i had one chair i got from my parents, and a tv. no curtains, or carpets, nothing.
by the time she dropped the bombshell, i was rebuilding things, but was still struggling financially.
i wasn't in a well paying job, and couldn't really have afforded to pay a quarter of my income to support someone else's kids.
it's sometimes hard enough making ends meet paying support for my boy.
but the main factor was their mother. she had already proved how horrible she was, i didn't realise it until later, but it was actually what would be classed as an abusive relationship. she was a bit of a sociopath.
she'd already shown how she was willing to use them as pawns.
she would've kept doing that when it suited her, it wouldn't have been fair on me, or them to put everyone through that.
else everytime we got close, she'd take them away.
that also affected my parents too. they loved the kids as much as anybody.
a clean break was probably the fairest all round. they were still young enough that they could hopefully forget about me and move on.
they already called her new man "daddy".
believe me, it wasn't easy to let go, but after 5 years of pretty much knowing they weren't mine, there was also a sense of relief it was finally over.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChessieMom
I guess I don't get that. If they knew you as their father, and you loved them, then why not get parental rights? You make it sound as if it really IS about the money. It might be for her, but is that a reason to make it so, for you? Or for the kids? They are the ones that lost here. Big time.
Sorry - I'm not judging here...I just couldn't let go of a child in that situation. Everyone is different.
if i'm being entirely honest, the money was a consideration, when i left, i had pretty much the clothes i stood up in, and not much else.
i had one chair i got from my parents, and a tv. no curtains, or carpets, nothing.
by the time she dropped the bombshell, i was rebuilding things, but was still struggling financially.
i wasn't in a well paying job, and couldn't really have afforded to pay a quarter of my income to support someone else's kids.
it's sometimes hard enough making ends meet paying support for my boy.
but the main factor was their mother. she had already proved how horrible she was, i didn't realise it until later, but it was actually what would be classed as an abusive relationship. she was a bit of a sociopath.
she'd already shown how she was willing to use them as pawns.
she would've kept doing that when it suited her, it wouldn't have been fair on me, or them to put everyone through that.
else everytime we got close, she'd take them away.
that also affected my parents too. they loved the kids as much as anybody.
a clean break was probably the fairest all round. they were still young enough that they could hopefully forget about me and move on.
they already called her new man "daddy".
believe me, it wasn't easy to let go, but after 5 years of pretty much knowing they weren't mine, there was also a sense of relief it was finally over.
I'm sorry - that sounds like a terrible situation all around. I agree it is a difficult thing to have ties to such a person, for a lifetime. I'm glad you are content with things now though. Regrets suck.
although i don't ask, my son still talks about them, it seems they've grown into relatively normal kids, despite what they've been through.
probably their happiness was the most important consideration.
adults can heal much better than children, they could've wound up damaged forever !
as it is, their mother isn't exactly the best role model, if any of them take after her, god help them !!
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChessieMom
I'm sorry - that sounds like a terrible situation all around. I agree it is a difficult thing to have ties to such a person, for a lifetime. I'm glad you are content with things now though. Regrets suck.
My wife already had our daughter when I met her. My biggest fear, and one thing I've always wondered, if something was to happen to my wife, would I be able to retain custody of her? I can't adopt her b/c the biological father won't reliquish his parental rights. Even though he doesn't pay child support and has never seen her.
My wife already had our daughter when I met her. My biggest fear, and one thing I've always wondered, if something was to happen to my wife, would I be able to retain custody of her? I can't adopt her b/c the biological father won't reliquish his parental rights. Even though he doesn't pay child support and has never seen her.
I would look into that if I were you. That's a valid concern. And what if something happened to the both of you? You'd want your daughter raised by your families, not some stranger she has never met.
My sister-in-law had to go through a lengthy process to get her ex-husband's parental rights revoked (or whatever the proper terminology is), so that he would not have any claim on their son. He never paid child support or had any interest in his son, other than to threaten to take him away from her. I think your wife could do the same with your daughter, and then you could adopt her.
every time it suited her, she would stop me seeing him, often for a year or two at a time.
children were nothing more than a tool she could use to hurt me when she felt like it.
he's 17 now, and i see him as much as i can, but the relationship might be irreparably damaged.
all the times i wasn't seeing him, i was trying to arrange stuff to take him out, but she was apparently telling him i hadn't been bothering to get in touch at all.
now he's getting older, he understands more, because i can explain stuff, and he can understand it on an adult level, but at 17, he's got more important things to worry about than seeing his old dad !!
it's cool tho, when i was 17, the last thing i wanted to do was hang with my parents !!
Google Parental Alienation Syndrome. She's liable to spend some time in jail if the state has enacted the laws against it yet and you are also likely in for some money if you were to sue her for what she did to you with the boy.
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