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I went through almost this exact same thing in 1979, the exception was my wife was having an affair with 4 other men and I didn't know it. When someone files for divorce and you don't want a divorce there is not one darn thing you can do about it, except put a smile on your face and continue to live life. And that is not easy to do. I think a divorce is worse than a death, with a death you know the person is gone and never coming back. During a divorce you always hope you can say something that will change their mind and cause them to come back. But, after the hurt she has caused you, and after you have seen her true cold, calculating side, would you really want her back. You will find friends and family won't take her place, no matter what. Time heals all wounds, and that is the only thing that will make you feel better, it took me two years to figure out that my ex wife did me a huge favor. It is not easy, but don't give up. Throw yourself at your job and excel in what you do for a living. One day you will look back on these days and be proud of yourself for holding your head high and doing your very best in spite of your hurt. Don't be afraid to get back on here in the future. and don't be afraid to direct mail some of the people on here that may have helped you the most, and ask questions. I would discount the advice of those who blame you for this breakup ( post #4), it can't be all your fault, but I suspect some of it is, and that is all in the past now. Good luck...
I don't believe people can turn their feelings off and on like a water faucet, I believe somewhere along the journey things start to change, people start growing a part, and distance starts coming in-between 2 ... we don't always want to see, or hear it- but the writing is often on the wall It takes going through the hurt, pain, anger, before you finally say, "How did I miss that" ...
On another note, not sure where you live, but here in the North East, people are so into their career, and money ... Ugh ! Such a rat race, and so cut throat.
I'm in the same state as you, and I couldn't agree more. That's part of the reason I'm seeking to relocate. I can't afford this state, and my personality doesn't really jive with the overall rat race mentality.
My ex-wife worked 70+ hours a week. She spent far more time with the co-worker she cheated on me with than with me. No doubt that contributed to the way things went. So many couples I know here put their career first, and the acquisition of money before all else, and I know so many broken couples due to the mentality. And its true that I didn't see it- she always acted very innocent, religious, and conservative. I simply never, ever expected it, nor did anyone else close to her.
I don't know, I hear it's a better quality of life in the South - the Carolinas, Florida, West Virginia ... Anywhere far from the NYC area- I've had my fill and I'm ready to bolt !
wow thanks for the update-I remember reading this a while ago and feeling bad for you. I wonder how many people leave their spouses for someone else but that person doesn't leave theirs- she got a taste of her own medicine- but WAY more humiliating-I'm glad you didn't have kids- now you'll never have to look at her again- good luck to you.
to the OP, you sound like you are getting things sorted out and sound so much better than in your original post and that's a good thing! life is unfair, that's for sure but it does have its good times...
I'd say, work on yourself. It's over. Set goals. Get out. Get away from the loneliness. Act like the person you want to be. Eventually, you'll find out why this happened, but first, dig out.
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It takes going through the hurt, pain, anger, before you finally say, "How did I miss that" ... 
