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Whether the OP's story is true or not, it reminds me of my sister and her husband. When they met, he was on a landscaping crew and she was a divorced single mother working in the office. Twenty years later, he's still on the landscaping crew, and she's a teacher working on her Master's degree. She'd like to travel more, try new restaurants, do more cultural things, while he's still happy with a 12-pack and the remote control in his hand. They both try to meet in the middle, but I don't think either are really happy.
I am sorry but an intellectual connection is VERY important, that is why, I could never date a woman who does not have at least, a college education. It is not about being a snob, but it is very frustrating when you are with someone who is not educated.
Exactly right. It has NOTHING to do with being a "snob." A marriage or LTR of any sort is only as successful as the people in it are compatible. When all you've got in common are the kids, the issues will become even more poignant once the kids leave home.
White Collar, I'm sorry you're in this situation and I REALLY understand. I also grew up in a small mill town in Pennsylvania. My mother's dream for me was that I would go to a nice little secretarial school and work in a local office until I met and married a mill worker, most likely. At that point, I would then stay home, keep house, raise kids, and sell Tupperware or Avon for extra money. I'm not knocking that life but it wasn't for me.
My father, thankfully, knew that I needed and deserved more so he paid for my college education. It broke their hearts when I moved away from Pennsylvania and its mill towns but dad, especially, knew it's what I had to do.
If I had stayed in that area, my life would have been as yours is or worse, more than likely. I probably wouldn't have found anyone compatible to marry, and then they'd be gossiping about me either being a lesbian or an old maid. Sheesh, I got that crap even when I went back to visit! My son would ask me how I could stand growing up there -- he saw it as very backwater, redneck, and boring.
And I guess that's what I'm wondering -- what dreams do you have for your kids? Do you have any daughters, in particular? Do they have dreams that would carry them beyond a small mill town? Your husband sounds like most of the people who live in such towns -- they simply don't want anything more out of life. But what about the kids? My heart aches when I see what my cousins and second-cousins have become. No dreams, higher goals or ambitions. I'm "exotic" to them, sigh.
When I met my husband twenty four years ago, we were both teenagers living in a small town in PA. It was the basic small factory town common in PA where almost every man went to work out of High School and lived the factory life. My husband is blue collar working class, true and blue. If you were casting for a movie and wanted someone who looked like a blue collar factory worker- he would be the right choice.
But now we are in our forties and he is still in the factory but in a larger town and I work as an Attorney. My intellectual skills, education and income has gone way up from the day we got married. He is still the same person. He does not read, follow the news, talk about interesting things, or do anything to expand his mind or career.
We do not fight, just exist in the same house. We have four kids which makes a divorce difficult. He knows I am frustrated with him but can not change. Sometimes I think he does not have the intellectual skills to move out of his factory working class existence.
What should I do? I have passed my husband by mentally, emotionally, financially, occupationally, and intellectually. (Yes, I know I sound like a snob, but we are opposites)
Folks....don't get too wound up about the OP's post. He/she has a history of creating threads to spark strong, emotional replies and as an added bonus, pit people against one another. Play into it if you wish
The bottom line comes down to how important you consider your marriage vows to be. In the end, you can keep them or ditch them depending on the importance you designate to them. Whether you stay in the marriage or not, you will learn new things about yourself along the way. However, having a long history with a partner is quite rare these days, make sure it's something you really want to give up before you actually do.
I don't think your story is in any way unusual and I've known many in your situation, both women and men. What you should do is entirely up to you and I don't think anybody can really answer your question.
If you think the relationship is salvageable and if you WANT to see if there's a way that it can be, it might be worth taking a stab at marriage counseling to see if your disparate intellects can coexist more happily than they do right now. I'm guessing that your income is sufficient that you can find a good private counselor but can tell you from experience that finding the "right" counselor often entails a bit of a hunt! When I was going through a very difficult time many years ago I didn't find the counselor who truly helped me until I'd had some pretty disastrous sessions with three others.
If you make the effort to do a salvage and it doesn't work out then at least you've tried and then you'll have to decide whether or not you can live with the status quo or whether it's time to move on.
I don't believe in hanging on "for the sake of the children", and I can only assume that, since you've been married for over 20 years, your 4 children aren't toddlers. Children are very intuitive and, as long as you're honest with them (this if you eventually decide to move on/divorce) they'll be fine. If the resentment you're beginning to feel now festers and results in the household environment being compromised and negatively affected then you'll end up with more of a problem.
You've really said nothing about your husband which is negative but the intellectual rift is indeed a dilemma which I do understand and empathize with. I'm sorry I can't give you a magic answer but hope I've helped in some small way. Good luck!
I agree completely. Doesnt sound like OP has been harsh in any way, its simply that they are not compatible anymore, which happens. If you feel like you are in a life that you are not meant to be in then you should move on and be true to yourself. You cant stay with your SO bc you feel like you should bc you've been together for so long. I can not imagine being in your shoes, it seems like you aer very sad about the whole situation and almost living in a world that you dont belong in.
Congrats on becoming a lawyer and really making something of yourself! You could've just as easily fallen into the life that your husband stayed in and always felt like you never got a chance to expand your life. Good for you for making something of yourself! Now you just need to focus on how you want to spend the rest of your life...you shouldn't stay with someone if you arent happy whether you have kids or not. Your kids will thank you one day, trust me if there's tension, they know it. Good Luck!
Actually during our marriage I have made about 75% of our combined income and I do not owe him anything financially. We we divorced it would hurt me financially much more than him.
He has made no effort to become more intellectual in his interests but I have agreed to attend events that match his interests like bowling and NASCAR.
I'm guessing you meant to say that "if we were divorced"?
Segueing on from my previous posts which you never addressed from the get-go when I was initially trying to gently advise you ...
No, you maybe don't owe your husband anything but even that's not a given. Unless your legal expertise is in that field, you might come up way short in a judgement.
You owe your children and both of you are going to be liable for child support if you separate.
The more you speak the less empathy and sympathy I have for you. It seems that you already have determined your path after posting your initial question. Good luck!
Folks, all you need to do is pop the Weekend Traveler screen name into the search threads the forum has provided, each and every alias used will come up.
So far the common response is that because I had marriage vows I am supose to stay with my husband for life even if we do not have anything left in common.
So far the common response is that because I had marriage vows I am supose to stay with my husband for life even if we do not have anything left in common.
The kids are 7,10, 12, and 16.
Now your a female
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I'm not knocking that life but it wasn't for me. 
Sheesh, I got that crap even when I went back to visit! My son would ask me how I could stand growing up there -- he saw it as very backwater, redneck, and boring.
