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Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bobspez
I would say anyone who thinks sex is dirty, ugly and unpleasant has no business being married..
Ita.....it also makes them in need of some therapy IMO..............
Quote:
Originally Posted by bobspez
That makes them a roommate, not a spouse. I think both spouses have a duty to keep their mates sexually satisfied. It's not their only duty, but an important one. Platonic love is not for a wife, it's for a friend or a sister or a cousin or an aunt. I don't even know if this post is for real. The OP's reasoning seems bizarre at best.
It's not a "duty" tho....that sounds like they are being forced. If they have a happy marriage & love each other.........they should WANT to express that love & have an active sex life for themselves & each other.
I would say anyone who thinks sex is dirty, ugly and unpleasant has no business being married. That makes them a roommate, not a spouse. I think both spouses have a duty to keep their mates sexually satisfied. It's not their only duty, but an important one. Platonic love is not for a wife, it's for a friend or a sister or a cousin or an aunt. I don't even know if this post is for real. The OP's reasoning seems bizarre at best.
I second this.
If I am not putting out I should not be mad if he gets it elsewhere.
It's not a "duty" tho....that sounds like they are being forced. If they have a happy marriage & love each other.........they should WANT to express that love & have an active sex life for themselves & each other.
That's why the word "owe" in the thread title is offputting. Two people in a functional relationship with good communication should want to have sex with each other (barring illness, injury, etc, etc.) When sex is spoken of as a payment or a reward or an obligation, that's getting into weird territory. And it's certainly not very sexy.
That's why the word "owe" in the thread title is offputting. Two people in a functional relationship with good communication should want to have sex with each other (barring illness, injury, etc, etc.) When sex is spoken of as a payment or a reward or an obligation, that's getting into weird territory. And it's certainly not very sexy.
No, it's not.
Another thing that would sometimes wreck my interest in sex with my ex husband, was that if we'd had conflict, if he'd been verbally cruel to me or hurt me, I would not want to have sex...because I was in those feelings at that time. He didn't understand this. He felt that I should want sex regardless, and if I denied him because of something like this, I was "punishing him." The feeling that he was treating me as though I was Mommy and he'd been a naughty boy and didn't deserve a treat, made the whole dynamic feel even more repulsive to me. I did not sign up for that kind of situation.
It was like my feelings didn't matter, were incomprehensible. Just can't grasp that if I feel totally crap towards someone, I don't want to be intimate or vulnerable with them. I don't feel sexual desire for someone that I don't even LIKE. Even if that's a temporary feeling, if it's where I'm at, it's where I'm at.
Then I'd get lectured on how unsatisfying a wife I was, which made me feel even less sexual. As time went on, and he did the thing of tracking stuff on a calendar...if one of us initiated, who, if sex happened, what acts were involved, if I "made it special" by wearing lingerie... Oh, and I had to "make it special" because he never did anything above or beyond for me... All that just built more and more resentment. Piled more baggage on top of an already bad situation. He'd also lecture me on how I should enjoy and appreciate the things he did in bed, because other women in his past did.
At best I felt like he was a dog watching me eat a steak, and that particular kind of "desire" isn't sexy. It's gross. Hunger isn't sexy coming from a starving, desperate man. If I think about what I want from a partner...I want to feel seduced, not guilted, lectured, browbeaten or begged.
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
9,297 posts, read 4,583,293 times
Reputation: 7613
Quote:
Originally Posted by fleetiebelle
That's why the word "owe" in the thread title is offputting. Two people in a functional relationship with good communication should want to have sex with each other (barring illness, injury, etc, etc.) When sex is spoken of as a payment or a reward or an obligation, that's getting into weird territory. And it's certainly not very sexy.
Yes.....ita.......the "duty" thing or "owing" sex is super weird IMO..........
We should want a healthy sex life for ourselves too...as much as wanting our spouse or Bf.......
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
9,297 posts, read 4,583,293 times
Reputation: 7613
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
Another thing that would sometimes wreck my interest in sex with my ex husband, was that if we'd had conflict, if he'd been verbally cruel to me or hurt me, I would not want to have sex...because I was in those feelings at that time. He didn't understand this. He felt that I should want sex regardless, and if I denied him because of something like this, I was "punishing him." The feeling that he was treating me as though I was Mommy and he'd been a naughty boy and didn't deserve a treat, made the whole dynamic feel even more repulsive to me. I did not sign up for that kind of situation.
I'm so sorry you went through this.....hugs.... wanting to have healthy & satisfying consensual sex can't happen if somebody is being verbally cruel to you or hurting you. That's when it is time to get out of the relationship.........& it's good he is your "ex". Our desires & sex lives are only as healthy & happy as the rest of the relationship IMO..
There has been lots of interesting conversation on this board about what it means to be a good husband or wife. And when someone should consider divorcing their spouse.
One of the main conflict points of many married couples is frequency of sex. In another post I told everyone I really do not have much of a sex drive and have always felt that the act of having sex was kind of ugly, dirty and unpleasant. It does not have anything to do with my wife, who is just wonderful, my feelings about sex would be the same no matter who I was married to.
I am sure my wife is telling her friends about our unsatisfactory sex life and they are telling her to demand more sex from her husband (me). They are probably saying that it is a husband's role to keep his wife happy sexually and romantically. But is that really the case?
Does a husband have a ethical and moral obligation in a marriage to have a sexual relationship? Just like his obligation of: being a good father, provider and communicator. (Remember, we can not fake interest like a woman can)
If you’re not handling the business she will eventually find someone who will. Why don’t you tell her that she can go find sex outside of marriage.
Imo yes you have a obligation to take care of your wife in that way. A marriage without sex is called roomates.
Ita.....it also makes them in need of some therapy IMO..............
It's not a "duty" tho....that sounds like they are being forced. If they have a happy marriage & love each other.........they should WANT to express that love & have an active sex life for themselves & each other.
Get rid of the "shoulds" - wanting to have sex is different than the two having the same definition of "active" at every and all points in their relationship. During the "honeymoon", during pregnancy, after pregnancy, during stressful work, during mid-life-crises, during menopause, after menopause, after a heart attack, after a stroke, after a broken hip, during or after dementia!
There are a lot of points of possible mismatch even if a couple is matched pretty closely at the outset. Every successful relationship has to be flexible enough to survive at least some periods when they are out of sync, sexually or otherwise. Otherwise it's just one person waiting for an excuse to plead an "unmet need" and cheat...which I'm sure some do.
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