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A friend of his arrives unexpectedly. So, you put on a robe, heels, walk into the living room and say, "Oh, I didn't know you were planning on company; I had a whole evening planned for just the two of us. Or did you know and you planned to make it a 3-some?" That would have embarrassed the crap out of my Ex - he he. Or you might even say, "Did you forget that you promised to go do xyz at your mother's? She will be so disappointed."
If he starts to take off on a skiing trip, jump into the truck and go with him. You can buy clothes when you get there. Thank him for the surprise vacation/honeymoon.
The first situation is annoying and the second is fishy. It sounds like he's going on vacation as a single guy who needs space to prowl or he's ahving a brokeback moment. I'd like to see his response to you jumping in the truck with him.
It looks like you're mommy and he's a rebellious teenager.
I'm sorry, try as I might, the lack of paragraphs is making it impossible for me to read your post.
However, I have three words for you. Interperit them, act on them. then ask yourself the question again..................
1. Sociopath
2. Narcissist
3. Google.
Quote:
Originally Posted by pam61
Hi everyone, do you you have any advice for me? My husband and I are in our late 40's, we have been married 6 years, it is the second marriage for both of us. We have a nice life together, of course we have ups and downs. The problem for me is not so much that my husband does not want to take responsibility for anything, it is that I don't know how to respond when it happens. For example, He has an 18 year old son who lives primarily with his mother. we have him every other weekend, every other holdiay, some vacations weeks and occassionally some extra days. My husband's son has been in my life for over 10 years now and I love him dearly and look forward to our weekends. I am very fortunate to have that relationship. One thing I do ask of my husband is to let me know when he makes other arrangements with his son. (change weekends, add more days, swap days with his ex, etc.) I will plan a meal, set the table for 3 and then my husband will tell me, oh matt's not coming tonight, or the other way around, I may plan a special dinner for 2 on our free weekend, set the table for 2 then my husband will say oh matt's coming. Not a big deal except my husband will blame the lack of communication on me or his ex. Usually he says he just found out, but it seems very often that i find out he actually knew about it days or weeks before hand, but will say his ex just sprung it on him, or he may say he told me, which i can accept that i may have forgotten but this happens way to often, it's like a pattern. This is just one small example. My husband also seems to have this problem at work, he will come home and say he didn't have anything to do all day or will complain that he does not know what his boss wants him to do. I will ask if he has talked to his boss, he says yes, but then twists the situation around so that all the blame is on his boss or co-workers. Yes, sometimes I am sure the blame is shared, but never will my husband accept responsibility. Part of it feels more like a communication problem and like he is trying to control a sitution. for example he may invite a friend over a week in advance, but not tell me until the friend drives into the driveway. or he may make arrangements to go skiing with a friend next week but he won't tell me until he packing his stuff into the truck and ready to leave. Again he will say it just came up, but often I will learn it was plans made in advance. we share a very small parttime job writing for a hometown newspaper. we split up the writing assignments. I usually write my article and ask him to proof read and edit and tell me if he thinks I made an error, etc. He writes his articles and sends them in. Often our boss will call asking for a correction etc. on his articles. One time I asked his if I could read one of his articles before he sent it in. He was very reluctant, i picked up on an error and brought it his attention. He did not do anything about it and sent it in anyway. The boss called to have it corrected. I asked my husband, "you sent it in anyway even though I told you it had an error"? He just blew it off by saying he did not think I was right. He will never admit he is wrong. He is out of work right now, a few people suggested he take a resume course, but he said he was all set. one day i asked him if he would like me to proofread his resume, i said sometimes another set of eyes helps. he was reluctant but agreed. The resume was a mess. Grammer errors, spelling errors, out of date format, etc. I knew he would never accept if I pointed out all the errors, I just picked out a couple spelling errors and suggested maybe he check out a book we have on our bookshelves about writing resumes. He blew off my suggestion and did it his way (as he always does). I swear to God, if I suggest something he does just the opposite. Well, a friend of his suggested that he apply for a job at the company his friend works for. His friend was the one who would review the resumes and send the best canidates on to his boss. My husband really fit the qulifications for the job and his friend highly recommended him. My husband just assumed he had the job and the need for the resume was just a formality. He submitted his resume to his friend. His friend called and left a message on our answering machine that basically said, hey buddy, you got the qualifications, but i can't send this resume to the next level or it will be rejected. He asked my husband go to a resume writing workshop at the library, this is held once a month and is free, then resubmit his resume. Even though very reluctant and saying his friend didn't know anything about resume writing, he did go to the workshop. He came home angry. Apparently the instructor told him to completely start over on a new resume. So now the resume writing instructor was to blame. I don't ever remember my husband ever ever saying he is sorry, or that something was his mistake. Well, you probably get the picture of what i am trying to say. To avoid having my husband think I am putting him down, or to appear that I am the authority on everything, which I am not, I just say ok, or that's must be difficult for you, or I understand etc. I am beginning to wonder if I am actually enabling him to not take some responsibility. I really could use some advice. How should I respond or act when this kind of stuff happens? thanks
Wow, people psychoanalyzing this person without even knowing him.
Scary the minds of internet people. Armchair psychiatry!
"I agree. There are decidedly traits of BPD. He may also be somewhat NPD (narcissistic)."
"It sounds like you basically like him okay, which is good, but sounds like he may have a combo of Adult Attention Deficit Disorder with some Borderline Personality Disorder traits thrown in."
Please - if you don't know what you are talking about, don't speak!
I can't read the wall of words, but, I do notice that nothing is her husband's fault.
the whole world is against him.
It doesn't matter whether she likes him. loves him, hates him, or whatever.
If he has some sort of disorder, it's not going to get better unless it's dealt with.
When you know the enemy's weakness, you can defeat them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BriInNH
Wow, people psychoanalyzing this person without even knowing him.
Scary the minds of internet people. Armchair psychiatry!
"I agree. There are decidedly traits of BPD. He may also be somewhat NPD (narcissistic)."
"It sounds like you basically like him okay, which is good, but sounds like he may have a combo of Adult Attention Deficit Disorder with some Borderline Personality Disorder traits thrown in."
Please - if you don't know what you are talking about, don't speak!
Thank you so much for the replies. They have all given me something to think about and read about. Thanks so much for taking my post and your replies seriously. I really appreciate the feedback and advice.
I do love my husband, and we spend a lot of time together and generally get along very well. We share alot common interests, but yet we each have a few interests unique to ourselves which gives us a little seperate time.
It is just the not taking responsibility and putting blame on other people that I am having a hard time with. I never thought about a borderline personality disorder, or ADHD. I think I will do some research about them.
Someone mentioned the term "rebellious teenage". You are right on. That really sums up everything I said in just two words.
How can I respond to my husband with making him angry or feel like I am controlling (he has never acused me of being controlling, just wrong)?
Another piece of this that I just realized the other day. I am wondering if part of the way he acts by blaming others is behavior he learned from his parents.
A couple of thoughts I have that I would really like feedback on. If I learn how to respond to his behavior appropriately, do you think that might help my husband be aware (on his own with out me telling him) of how much he blames others?
Someone mentioned "rebellious teenager". That has triggered this thought for me: The Total Transformation Program. The one advertised on TV. A program to change bad behavior in kids. Has anyone used this for kids? Might it help me learn to respond to my husband to get better results? Is it worth the money?
The TTP is just/simply a behavior modification program - a lot more specific and detailed than the one I gave you. The beauty of behavior mod is that it works. It matters not whether he is the way he is because of his parents, friends, or the alignment of the stars. You don't have to worry about motivation or intent.
As to this specific program, it won't hurt you to get the book/tools and learn how to use them. Behavior modification is pretty much one-size-fits-all - and it's modifiable to almost any situation/circumstance. The key as I said above is finding the right reward and aversive (not exactly a punishment). The TTP program uses the "sameness" of teens to suggest rewards and aversives suitable for that age and the situation (they live in YOUR house) without the means to be self-supporting (as your husband is).
You can find lots of books on Behavior modification - the google (bookstore or library) search terms would be:
I agree that you are enabling him, though I also believe, given the info you've provided, that talking to him about it will get you the same results you've had so far.
If you are willing to invest the time, I think reading up on the disorders mentioned would be good (as well as any others you may come across while doing your research). You don't have to be a psychologist to recognize and identify them, but you definitely want to be able to. You'll be better prepared to deal with them, if you choose to. The info on behavioral modification looks very helpful as well.
Heck, I just read up on the latter and operant conditioning. Very interesting. I never thought of it as a method, never knew it was. For me, it was a realization that what I was doing wasn't working; frustration creating an inability to humor them. I refused to give them the response/reaction that actually fed the madness. Very interesting, indeedy.
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