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It sounds like you basically like him okay, which is good, but sounds like he may have a combo of Adult Attention Deficit Disorder with some Borderline Personality Disorder traits thrown in.
My god what is the world coming to, I swear a high percentages of these overused "conditions" could be eliminated through a healthy lifesyle.
Hi Pam, I know how you feel. Some suggestions.. One, don't help him. His behaviour is his responsibility! And if you try to help him, you'll find that your the one he's blaming. He won't take responsiblity.. ever. When you try to help him with a suggestion etc, if he follows your advice or suggestion he'll do so halfheartedly and fail, he'll then blame you because it was your idea. Keep trying to help and eventually everything is your fault because he needs someone to blame, he won't blame himself. Its a no win situation.
The only thing you can do is tell him how you feel, and how his behaviour effects you, but do it when your calm and without blaming him. i.e. I feel like my feelings aren't important to you when.. I feel hurt when... After you tell him how you feel its up to him whether he wants to do something about it or not. Be aware though, he may not choose to do anything about it. If he chooses to do nothing, remember the problem is him.. not you. And your going to have to ask yourself if you can except him as he is or not.
A book that might be helpfull is "Living with the Passive Aggressive Man" by Scott Wetzler PH.D.
If you can except him as he is, and remember that his behaviour is his responsibility then it is possible to be happy with such a person. Just make sure that when his behaviour comes back on him, don't help him!
When I started reading about the issues, I thought, eh, no biggy. UNTIL I got to the part where he's lost his job and simply won't follow the usual protocol (submitting a professional resume) in getting a new one. This is serious stuff and goes way beyond who's going to be at the table for dinner. Not only is he refusing to take responsibility and communicate clearly, he is stubbornly refusing to act appropriately and that's a big problem.
I don't think this is anything you can handle or effectively change -- he needs professional counseling and intervention. Will he admit there's a huge problem with his behavior and attitude, and be willing to work with a therapist? That's the question.
My son has ADHD and what you described sounds EXACTLY how my son behaved as a teen-ager. Everything was someone else's fault and he wouldn't accept help. Even though the kiddo had/has a high IQ, getting him through high school was a big challenge. He'd lie to me all of the time and I'd have to consult regularly with his teachers and principals to find out the real story and then lower the boom. I paid for him to go to counseling but he refused to cooperate so it became a waste of time and money. The psychiatrist told me he couldn't help anyone who didn't want help so we had to end it.
Despite it all, and because he could compensate with his intelligence, he did get into a good university but failed miserably his first year. I had met with the Special Services people at uni -- he qualified for help because of his ADHD. He refused it, said he didn't want "a label." Sigh...
At this point, the only thing I could do was let him sink or swim. He had to get his act together on his own. I told him that if he didn't feel as if he could do what he needed to do at uni, then perhaps he needed to leave and go to work. He insisted he wanted an education and degree. I told him that he had the intelligence but he needed to change his behavior and make it happen. And somehow he is. It's taking longer and he's certainly not going to graduate with honors, but he is learning and changing. He needed failure to wake him up.
Are you enabling your husband? Yes, but I do understand how that goes. I did it, too. However, this was my son -- not my husband -- and it WAS my responsibility to help him navigate school and such. I don't know what I'd do if I had a husband who behaved like that! If his issues and inertia are interfering with his ability to work and support your household, then you've got a big problem on your hands. I don't care how "nice" he is; if he refuses to own up and work on the deficiencies, your future is tied to him and the problems.
If he won't get professional help, then you may just have to let him sink or swim on his own, too. Your situation is going to get worse and it won't get better unless he gets help.
My god what is the world coming to, I swear a high percentages of these overused "conditions" could be eliminated through a healthy lifesyle.
Maybe some people are misdiagnosed, but I can assure you that ADHD is a real and serious condition for those who are affected by it. I knew something was wrong with my son from the time he was a baby. He would wake up in the middle of the night at times and wail uncontrollably for no reason. We'd try to console him but, when he had his spells, it was like he didn't even know we were there. His pediatrician thought he had a seizure disorder and sent him to a pediatric neurologist. She ordered sleep studies, EEGs, etc. but didn't find any evidence of seizures.
As a toddler, he was expelled from pre-school for his impulsivity and failure to behave and follow directions. I had to put him in a small, private daycare and even that seasoned veteran who said she'd never met a child she couldn't handle later admitted to me that she thought she'd finally met her match with him. Thankfully, she persevered anyway.
Then, formal schooling started. His saving grace was that he was tested for the gifted program and found to have a very high IQ. That meant he was in special, smaller classes with teachers who were trained to work with gifted students, who are often more temperamental and easily bored. But he still had outbursts from frustration. The teachers all assured me that he'd outgrow it. He never did.
When puberty hit, everything got worse and I thought I was going to lose my mind. The lying, the lack of impulse control, the failure to take responsibility, the manipulation were constant and automatic. I took him for psych. evaluations upon the recommendation of our pediatrician and the verdict was ADHD with accompanying depression. He started taking medication and the change was huge -- however, since the meds are a controlled substance, he couldn't have them on him at school and I had to take them to the school nurse to administer. When the other kids found out why he had to go to the nurse every day, they teased him mercilessly and called him a "psycho." He then refused to go to get his meds.
At the age of 13, he started expressing suicidal thoughts. Throughout the years, he would often cry about how he wanted to behave but just couldn't control himself. He would ask me why he couldn't be like everyone else. I tried everything to channel his energy and help him to learn self-discipline -- sports, music, martial arts. Nothing provided the break-through he needed.
Sorry, but living "a healthy lifestyle" just doesn't cut it. Is the ADHD label applied to kids whose parents just want calmer, more docile children? Yes. However, the disorder is VERY REAL and, unfortunately, comments such as yours sometimes keep those affected from getting the help they need. My son's pediatrician and psychiatrist said that those with ADHD lack a vital chemical in their brains that aid in impulse control and decision-making. The meds help the brain compensate for the deficiency. Withholding treatment would be the neuro equivalent of refusing to give insulin to a diabetic -- in minor cases, it can be controlled through lifestyle changes but, in serious case, meds are needed.
The OP's husband just might be someone who has the disorder and needs intervention. I'm not diagnosing him, obviously, but I do think it needs to be investigated by professionals. If he does have a disorder, then he needs medical help. Nothing she can do on her own will suffice.
You're enabling on the son, because you then accommodate your husband's bad behavior.
You're not enabling on the resume or articles, though, because he's choosing to ignore your help.
Either way, you're wasting your time and breath, so don't bother. Instead, I like what LeLune said about communicating with your stepson directly about when he'll be over. There's no reason he should have to suffer because of his dad's behavior.
FWIW, it always gives me a chuckle to see folks making cyber diagnoses. Anti-social behavior? Bipolar? Really? It's possible to tell that from one post on a message board by a third party?
My own take is that, from what you've said here, he just sounds pig-headed and proud. So let him be, and let him suffer the consequences of his own actions.
My god what is the world coming to, I swear a high percentages of these overused "conditions" could be eliminated through a healthy lifesyle.
I agree. I tend to think that ADD/ADHD is a crock of pharmaceutical company garbage myself, or at the very least, grossly overdiagnosed, but I guess we can rant about that on another thread.
The problem for me is not so much that my husband does not want to take responsibility for anything, it is that I don't know how to respond when it happens.
Um, no. The problem is that your husband is a narcissistic arsehole who thinks of no one but himself. He isn't in a marriage. You are, but he isn't.
Stop enabling him. Stop sharing your writing with him. Stop sharing a job with him. Stop bending over backwards to accommodate last-minute guests. Start making plans for yourself and stop relying on him for your weekend activities.
Not only are you hurting yourself, but you are teaching a very bad lesson to his son, who is learning from both your husband and you how to be in a relationship. Do you want your stepson to treat a wife or a girlfriend like this? I certainly hope not.
I agree. I tend to think that ADD/ADHD is a crock of pharmaceutical company garbage myself, or at the very least, grossly overdiagnosed, but I guess we can rant about that on another thread.
Sorry, but if you actually LIVED with someone who had this, you'd change your tune. And as one who worked with students for many years, I could tell the difference between the kids who were simply energetic or the products of bad parenting and the kids who really had ADHD.
Overdiagnosed? Yes. A "crock?" Absolutely not. And attitudes like yours contribute to the difficulties parents have in raising children with true ADHD. You might not care about that but you should. True ADHD puts people at a huge risk for delinquency, crimes, and suicide. There's a societal cost.
And when you tell people "there's no such thing" about something for which they've received a sound diagnosis and treatment plan, they start believing it's hopeless and won't comply with treatment. I've lived with that issue, and it truly sucks.
Maybe the OP's husband has it; maybe he doesn't. But if he's going to be a productive husband and citizen, he needs intervention. If he does have ADHD or some other disorder, then she can't help him alone.
Sorry, but if you actually LIVED with someone who had this, you'd change your tune. And as one who worked with students for many years, I could tell the difference between the kids who were simply energetic or the products of bad parenting and the kids who really had ADHD.
Overdiagnosed? Yes. A "crock?" Absolutely not. And attitudes like yours contribute to the difficulties parents have in raising children with true ADHD. You might not care about that but you should. True ADHD puts people at a huge risk for delinquency, crimes, and suicide. There's a societal cost.
And when you tell people "there's no such thing" about something for which they've received a sound diagnosis and treatment plan, they start believing it's hopeless and won't comply with treatment. I've lived with that issue, and it truly sucks.
Maybe the OP's husband has it; maybe he doesn't. But if he's going to be a productive husband and citizen, he needs intervention. If he does have ADHD or some other disorder, then she can't help him alone.
Sorry, but I've seen the effects of the "diagnosis" and consequent medication of kids who didn't need it, and I find it interesting that crime continues to go up despite having treatments for these conditions that we all managed to grow up without getting, so we'll just have to agree to disagree.
We'll have to disagree on what the OP's husband needs, too, because to me, he just sounds like a bit of an arrogant tool.
Sorry, but I've seen the effects of the "diagnosis" and consequent medication of kids who didn't need it, and I find it interesting that crime continues to go up despite having treatments for these conditions that we all managed to grow up without getting, so we'll just have to agree to disagree.
We'll have to disagree on what the OP's husband needs, too, because to me, he just sounds like a bit of an arrogant tool.
Well, there you go. You labeled him "an arrogant tool" when you don't know the guy. At least suggesting that he may want to get some counseling is proactive.
You're obviously entitled to your opinion about ADHD. I just hope you don't make it MORE than your opinion by interfering in people's treatment. The jails are FULL of people with a variety of disorders left UNTREATED.
You don't seem to get that the testing a true ADHD diagnosis requires is quite costly because of the amount of data required and the number of specialists seen (pediatrics, neurology, psychiatry). If you have insurance, they'll pay for half of the psychiatrist's fees and evaluations, if you're lucky. If you don't, you're out of luck. You don't just go to a pediatrician, tell him/her that your kid is hyperactive, and the doc prescribes Ritalin.
At least, that's not what happens with quality med. professionals. They don't take an ADHD diagnosis lightly. Did you know that if you are being treated for ADHD, then you are disqualified from serving in some (maybe all) branches of the military? I know that because I thought military training might be beneficial for my son but discovered that Air Force ROTC wouldn't accept him. They don't want people with poor impulse control. Rightly so.
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