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This probably has been beaten to death, but I hear the same complaint from most of my friends.
Situation: married couple been together 15+ years, a couple kids, financially stable, living the 'nice' suburban life. Kids are school age so both parents work and then tote the kids to soccer, gymastics etc.
So they finally get home eat, get the kids down, have some together time, maybe a glass of wine and 'conversation'.
The woman will begin discussing/venting her issues of the day assuming her husband wants to listen. But as she discusses her problems (after time) it becomes apparent (to the man) she doesn't want help in resolving the issue or solving the problem, she just wants to vent about it. The man (after time as he figures this out) just glazes over and nods or grunts on occasion until she is 'talked out'. He hopes this goes on for 1/2 hour or less. At times the woman becomes annoyed that he isnt listening to her.
Most of my friends are technical or managerial in nature, so fixing things is how they're wired. So if you discuss a problem, they assume that things would be better if such problem was resolved. If you just want to talk about the problem, it becomes boring/annoying to them.
Women often forget that men have job stresses, deadlines, decisions they disagree with, lousy clients as well. It seems to unnerve them (men) to no end that while they may have similar problems at work, they try to solve them and don't see why you (it sounds like) don't.
Most of my friends appear happily married and are doing well in their careers. But I am becoming more convinced this behavior is one of the things that drives men away from their spouses (not in this case I hope, but Ive seen it elsewhere). So my conclusion, is ladies when you vent/talk to your husband about your problems, at least ask him on one item how best to solve it. He will pay more attention and not get bored or start to dread talking with you.
Hmmmm... I can relate on this one. My husband works 3rd shift, I work 1rst shift. When he gets up at 4 PM, I start in with my sad stories, to my complaints for the day. I`m not really looking for advice, just wanna vent. He sits patiently listening to me, and never says a word.
Maybe I need to back up, and stop with my behaviour, and just enjoy each other, instead of immediately telling him about my day.
I can see where that would get old, yeah....
when women work they are bound to be associating with other women on the job, it's the work enviroment that includes women that can tend toward women's natural bent to want to "make things right". When women are in the majority this tendency can make for a real strange workplace enviroment. Men on the other hand seem prone to a more tolerant position in regard to friction between employees, they are conditioned from an early age to stay out of the limelight when things get ugly because a mans world includes physical violence as a last gasp solution to somebody bugging them.
When the day is done a lot of women are exhausted from attempting to address every little thing that may suggests disharmony. I've seen plenty of men sit right through a kids tantrums wherein the woman will want to intervene. I love women but I found them hard to work with, something about their seemingly inate desire to stir the pot instead of confronting problems head on. I've got to be honest also by saying that I worked for some women who decidedly didn't take any crap from the other women or men who would have made their life hell if allowed. All in all, a little explaining of the differences between how men and women see things goes a long way toward letting your wife know that you don't agree to the incessant P&M that may be part of her daily evening conversation ritual.
Love it! Forget about venting about each other's day. Instead make the limited time you have available to spend together a respite from the 'world out there'.
Oil, you've couched this in terms that imply that men's way of approaching a conversation is "right" or "better" than women's.
How about men just learn to listen and understand that sometimes that, in itself, actually helps?
It's not about being right or wrong. It's about each understanding how the other thinks and giving the other what he or she needs. Sometimes, that's just an ear.
Oil, you've couched this in terms that imply that men's way of approaching a conversation is "right" or "better" than women's.
How about men just learn to listen and understand that sometimes that, in itself, actually helps?
It's not about being right or wrong. It's about each understanding how the other thinks and giving the other what he or she needs. Sometimes, that's just an ear.
This is true too, however, for my marriage, my husband doesn`t vent. He doesn`t talk about work at all, so...
Love it! Forget about venting about each other's day. Instead make the limited time you have available to spend together a respite from the 'world out there'.
It's truly a lovely thought but good luck with that. Not getting some things out in a safe environment, like venting to your spouse should be, can cause them to build or fester and at some point they have to be released.
I think it's quite true that women usually simply want to be listened to and acknowledged and don't necessarily want advice or assistance unless they specifically ask for it. That's difficult for a man because he naturally wants to fix it for her. We think it's our job to do so.
I'll be the first to admit that I used to tune-out the ex but she'd start with her litany of woes the moment my big toe crossed the threshold when I came home from work. Invariably her diatribe would begin with, "We have BIIIIIIIG trouble!" Instinctually and in a very Pavlovian manner, that uttering would cause my ears to slam shut, my eyes to roll back in my head and the rest of my face to contort into a grimace. These conditions would end when she did and I'd find her staring at me awaiting my reaction as if I'd really heard a word she said. More often than not I'd respond with, "What's for dinner?"
Oil, you've couched this in terms that imply that men's way of approaching a conversation is "right" or "better" than women's.
How about men just learn to listen and understand that sometimes that, in itself, actually helps?
It's not about being right or wrong. It's about each understanding how the other thinks and giving the other what he or she needs. Sometimes, that's just an ear.
Its not wrong to vent, I'm just suggesting that you throw in something that he can provide feedback on. That, I think shows some "understanding of how the other thinks" and giving them what they need. He understands that you like to talk about your issues so he gives a listen.
interesting...did anyone ever think that the wife is tired of hearing the husband complain?! trust me, i know men who like to vent and women who's eyes glaze over just listening till they talk it out--LOL
This is true too, however, for my marriage, my husband doesn`t vent. He doesn`t talk about work at all, so...
Ah, but does he talk about other things just to get them off his chest? Or is he always looking for solutions?
Or maybe he just likes his job? Or maybe there's nothing to talk about? I hear about my man's job, but not because he hates it or has problems with it. It's because it's good storytelling. I keep telling him to take notes so I can turn it into a book.
I've read quite a few articles about how men and women communicate--and if it was in Cosmo, you know it must be true.
Seriously, though, it seems that women do, indeed, talk for the catharsis of it. With some, the mere act of saying things aloud helps them organize their thoughts and see solutions. At the very least, it relieves stress.
And men sure can be fixers. That's how they show love--they want to make it better. That's why they're often so unbearably miserable when their loved ones are in a hospital. They want to fix, but can't, and that leaves them feeling helpless, and they hate that. Hate it. My guy friends have said as much, themselves.
When I was in a hell-job, I grumbled to my guy about my then boss. Okay, I ranted. Raved. Cried. Shrieked. Blew my stack. He knew there was nothing he could do to fix it, but he did say one thing that helped immensely: "Yeah, that would annoy me, too. What an idiot. Too bad you can't just tell her to #$!! off. I'd last five minutes there before I'd want to kill someone." (He's in a non-corporate job where people are a little more, ah, expressive.) Point is, it was nice to be validated. I think that's all many women need, especially because many of us tend to doubt ourselves.
"Is it me, or is that screwed up?"
"It's not you. That's screwed up."
"Okay. Thanks."
Granted, no jury in the world would have convicted me if I had pushed the dimwit out a window. She was certifiable. So maybe that's where women should rein it in. Maybe only grouse to the spouse about the major things, and save the small stuff for brunch with chick buddies. Good rule of thumb: If something is so utterly horrible that it's approaching the surreal and would almost be amusing if it weren't true and happening to you, that's a good thing to clue your man in about. The rest can wait for a martini with the girls.
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I can relate on this one. My husband works 3rd shift, I work 1rst shift. When he gets up at 4 PM, I start in with my sad stories, to my complaints for the day. I`m not really looking for advice, just wanna vent. He sits patiently listening to me, and never says a word.
We think it's our job to do so. 
