Defensiveness of Singles (wife, man, Valentine's Day, family)

[sweetheart1311]

I have been happily single for the past 2 years. This is the first time in my life that I've been single for longer than 1-2 months. I have to say - I really enjoy it. I finally know who I am, what I like/don't like and what I am looking for in a partner.

Unfortunately, my marriage was so terrible and left me with so many scars, that the thought of starting a new relationship terrifies me. It really does. I am afraid that I'll fall in love and let another man treat me the same way my ex husband did. That I won't be able to listen to my head. I lost all faith in love and truly don't believe that any relationship lasts forever (and I'm not talking about death here), so I wonder - what's the point? I wonder if I even have any tolerance for drama at all anymore. Single life just seems so simple and drama-free. No pain. I know it sounds very cliche and I never thought I'd ever feel this way, but it is what it is.

[Laura707]

I have been single since the 80's. I find it's the men who think I need a husband, that I should have someone at home..

Being single works for me better than being married. I take good care of myself, have never dissapointed myself or let myself down. I know I can depend on myself. I love being able to stay up all night if I want to, sleep late in the day if I want... or get up at 5am. Just do what I want to without having to worry about inconviencing somebody else or having to answer to someone else.

I take care of myself and do a darn good job of it. I am not defending my lifestyle, just stating why I enjoy it so much. This is my "me" time and I am selfish with my "me" time.

[DennyCrane]

I think some posters misread the title of this thread. It's 'Defensiveness of Singles,' not 'In Defense of Being Single.' What I was trying to get at is why so many single people get defensive about their being single. Further, why do they feel the need to lash out at marriage? Can't you defend being single without bashing marriage and married people? When someone talks about the good things about being married, why do some single people have to take offense and act like it was a slight against them?

Originally Posted by NorthsideJacksonville

[b]I feel you bro. What's the rush to tie the knot? With 50-60% of marriages ending in divorce, obviously marriage must not be all that good. Do I wanna get married someday? Of course. BUT I want to get it right the first time and in order for me to do that, I have to screen women like a job interview: I require a resume and 3 cover letters (one from her parents, another from her friend and the last one can come from herself explaining why she would be the perfect mate), and from that on I'll interview her so she'll have a chance to further sell herself to me and I to her. If she passes all those stages with flying colors, she's won the right to be my woman. I'll bend over backwards to please her but I'll make it crystal clear that if she messes up one time, she's fired. I'm content being single, it doesn't bother me at all because the way I see it, it's a blessing for me to continue working on myself so when I do meet Ms.Right, she'll be on point and we'll shine together. Secretly, married people wish they were single because all the time they complain about how their mate gets on their nerves and this and that. I'm like "You should've known how they were before you married them so your complaint pass has been denied" That's craziness.

This is exactly what I'm talking about. You start off with the tired '50% of marriages fail so something must be wrong marriage' BS. 50% of marriages end, but all that tells me is 50% of the people getting married are marrying the wrong people or they're not cut out for marriage. It doesn't tell me that marriage is a flawed institution. Then you end by saying married people wish they were single. I know plenty of married people who are much happier being married than they ever were being single.

Originally Posted by Daveyboyy

I think Truely though in the end Everyone wants to have someone, its only natural for humans to not want to be lonely , you might go through phases of wanting to be single but admittidly i think everyone gets fed up of being single eventually its very rare to find someone who doesnt.

I think you're projecting your own wishes on everyone else. Not everyone wants or needs to be in a relationship. People combat loneliness by making friends or just getting a pet. And some people are actually happy being complete loners.

Originally Posted by NotARedneck

Even as they try to obscure this, women know that marriage is a very good deal for them. There was a time before there was no fault divorce that there was some risk but nowadays, its men who take on all the additional risk. (As someone posted earlier, there is a risk that for instance, her husband might infect her with an STD but this can go both ways, so its a wash.)

Yeah, there's no risk for a woman. She could marry someone, have kids with him, then get divorced and spend the rest of her life fighting with him over how to raise those kids and getting him to be a good father. Yeah, no risk there.

[Maude Kipz]

Being a single female, and perfectly content, I'll give you my pov.

Singles get defensive because its not the societal norm and they're constantly being told that they should be miserable by friends, family, the media, etc. I avoid certain relatives because the only conversations they hold with me revolve around why I haven't gotten married and popped out babies yet and how I'll be soooo unhappy later in life that I didn't start sooner. They refuse to believe that I'm happy with my life and constantly stick their noses in, insinuating that I don't know what I want. After years of this (it started when I turned 16) I do have a short fuse for this sort of talk. I don't want to justify myself every time someone finds out I'm single and immediately says they'll hook me up with someone. If I meet someone I adore, and we decide to make a life together, then it happens. If that doesn't happen, so what? I've never spent a day moping around wishing some prince would sweep me off my feet and into his golden castle to live happily ever after. I still have a fulfilling life with friends and experiences that I've chosen. I don't want to be pitied because I enjoyed the life I chose.

You know what it feels like? Like admitting that you're atheist and having the christian bandwagon jump on you, trying to convert you like you're some sort of doomed soul. You go through life feeling awkward because the "norm" feels wrong to you and when you learn to accept yourself, everyone says your journey is just you being selfish and that you lost the way to "true happiness." A lot of the "marriage bashing" from singles (not divorcees... that's a different barrel of fish) is just kneejerk reactions after years of being told that there is something wrong with them. Its that simple.

[tamajane]

I don't think people realize the slights they put out there. They say things like "of course everyone wants to be married" casually, completely invalidating any other viewpoint and making a sweeping assumption like it's nothing. Even if people aren't in your face screaming insults, there is always an undertone and vague comments that tell singles they are wrong. I would rather have someone argue and debate with me than be casually dismissive of my life and choices.

[Ameiko]

Originally Posted by DennyCrane

Let me preface this by saying that I'm single. I'd like to get married someday, but I'm in no rush. Being single has its good and bad points, but even at its worst, it's still better than being in a relationship with the wrong person. Like most single people, I get annoyed when people tell me that I'd be much happier being married, that being single is bad, who imply that something must be wrong with me cause I'm single, etc.

The reason I wanted to start this thread is because I've noticed that a lot of single people, particularly on this forum, get defensive when people comment about being single, being married, etc. It's almost an us vs. them mentality. If someone who's married makes a comment about a single person's high standards, refusal to settle, etc., then out come the jabs at marriage and how miserable it is. Why is it people can't feel good about their situation without tearing down someone else's?

Single people, especially those who tend to be single rather than in relationship, are often barraged with "when you are going to get married," "when you are going to get a girlfriend/boyfriend", "when are you going to have kids?" It gets annoying both because it's senseless and it implies (if not actually included with such statements) that someone is wrong with the single person.

Often these conversations are condescending as in "oh you'll find the right one, someday" or your reasons for chosing to be single are trivialized as if you are a child: "Oh you'll change your mind and fall in love with the right one."

There are also singles who do not wish to be but either can not find good quality mates or find anyone period and that is frustrating. Being reminded of it constantly compounds those feelings.

I used to get that but not so much because:
1. I am better at meeting women now
2. people who asked got sarcastic responses ala "When am I getting married? Maybe the same time you drop those 50 pounds." I don't get invited to family weddings anymore but I don't want to be there anyway.

[Shkumat]

Originally Posted by Maude Kipz

You know what it feels like? Like admitting that you're atheist and having the christian bandwagon jump on you, trying to convert you like you're some sort of doomed soul.

BAM! Yeah! There should be a button on this forum that says: "god, send this woman a sunny day cuz she deserved it for being so right".

I say singles get defensive about the same way smokers do.
Seriously, i can't light a cigarette without somebody saying: "do you know it's bad for your health, right?". NO friggin way! Is it really? Cuz i'd never know! You know what can be very dangerous for YOUR health? Telling a smoker that smoking is bad, just as he is about to enjoy his cigarette. People get defensive, when other people get annoying.

Marrieds can put their money together and buy a better car, afford a better house, have kids, stability and enjoy all those "honey i'm home"s and "how was your day"s.
I (being single) can date different girls and throw myself into adventures, having more "movie moments" a week than an average married will have in a year. Being single brings more experience, more stories to tell (i mean interesting stories, not "us-and-johnsons-ate-lobsters-together-it-was-so-much-fun").

So it's a matter of current preference. And when our preferences are looked down on or are offended in some way, it's normal for us to get defensive and hit back.

[nichirenx]

The thing that really gets on my nerves is the whole marriage = maturity argument some people have.
Sure maturity is a big factor in a successful marriage.
But they act as if marriage is the totality of someone;s character.

Or the similar idea about not being a 'real man' unless you want to get married.
Which is usually followed by their thoughts of it being a man's duty to take care of a family.
Then again I live in the 'bible belt' and that has a lot to do with it.

I wish I could get transfered to California or somewhere else with less 'holy-roller' types.

[AJsMOM83]

Originally Posted by sweetheart1311

I have been happily single for the past 2 years. This is the first time in my life that I've been single for longer than 1-2 months. I have to say - I really enjoy it. I finally know who I am, what I like/don't like and what I am looking for in a partner.

Unfortunately, my marriage was so terrible and left me with so many scars, that the thought of starting a new relationship terrifies me. It really does. I am afraid that I'll fall in love and let another man treat me the same way my ex husband did. That I won't be able to listen to my head. I lost all faith in love and truly don't believe that any relationship lasts forever (and I'm not talking about death here), so I wonder - what's the point? I wonder if I even have any tolerance for drama at all anymore. Single life just seems so simple and drama-free. No pain. I know it sounds very cliche and I never thought I'd ever feel this way, but it is what it is.

Wow, you took the words right out of my mouth. I've been single for almost a year now and I have truly been having the time of my life. I'm not gonna lie though, the post break up phase was very hard on me and I just started getting comfortable with my "singledom" right around the holidays. Now I am 100% comfortable and happy that I am single, and as sweetheart stated above, its mostly due to single life being simple and drama free. I do what I want, when I want.
However, to be honest with you, my last relationship ended so bad that I fear ever getting into another one. Not that its something I'm looking to do anytime soon, but at this point, I'd rather be single and lonely than risk the heartache of another failed relationship. Not that I WOULD go into a new relationship thinking its going to fail...but still. You know what I mean...

[AJsMOM83]

I do have to admit however, that I miss being in a relationship when I smell cologne on a guy and when I have to carry fifty thousand bags of groceries up to my 2nd floor apartment lol...