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You know what it feels like? Like admitting that you're atheist and having the christian bandwagon jump on you, trying to convert you like you're some sort of doomed soul. You go through life feeling awkward because the "norm" feels wrong to you and when you learn to accept yourself, everyone says your journey is just you being selfish and that you lost the way to "true happiness." A lot of the "marriage bashing" from singles (not divorcees... that's a different barrel of fish) is just kneejerk reactions after years of being told that there is something wrong with them. Its that simple.
As an atheist, I can definitely relate to this. But like my being single, I learned there's nothing wrong with me even if I don't conform to the "norm".
I started a thread recently about some of the overused excuses people come up with to explain why they're single. One of the responders immediately asked why a person needs an excuse and what's wrong with being single. The thing is I never said single people need to justify their being single nor did I say there's anything wrong with being single. But judging by this poster's reaction, I seemed to have struck a nerve. This is what I'm talking about when I say some singles get defensive.
On another thread about how lonely it can get on Valentine's Day if you're single, someone responded by saying something to the effect of, "I'd rather be single than married and bored out of my mind." Why did the person feel the need to trash marriage in a thread that had nothing to do with that? If you enjoy being single, that's great. There's certainly nothing wrong being single. As a single person, I certainly don't feel miserable at not having a partner. But I don't feel like I have to trash marriage in order to explain why being single can be so great. You have to wonder about those singles who seem to take pleasure in trashing marriage. Can't they just be happy for the people who are married and accept that some people actually enjoy it even if you wouldn't?
Single people, especially those who tend to be single rather than in relationship, are often barraged with "when you are going to get married," "when you are going to get a girlfriend/boyfriend", "when are you going to have kids?" It gets annoying both because it's senseless and it implies (if not actually included with such statements) that someone is wrong with the single person.
Often these conversations are condescending as in "oh you'll find the right one, someday" or your reasons for chosing to be single are trivialized as if you are a child: "Oh you'll change your mind and fall in love with the right one."
There are also singles who do not wish to be but either can not find good quality mates or find anyone period and that is frustrating. Being reminded of it constantly compounds those feelings.
I used to get that but not so much because:
1. I am better at meeting women now
2. people who asked got sarcastic responses ala "When am I getting married? Maybe the same time you drop those 50 pounds." I don't get invited to family weddings anymore but I don't want to be there anyway.
Hahahaha, you rock!!! I need to try a sarcastic response like that one!
Your post is spot on. The remarks ARE condescending. In some cases, maybe they're not meant that way but, in other cases, I think they are. But I keep reminding myself that the marrieds sometimes make remarks like that to make THEMSELVES feel better because they're really not all that happy.
I was talking with a friend recently and made the comment that I honestly have never met anyone I could even FATHOM living with for 50 or 60 years. Now, this guy could probably be considered the prototype of the married American man -- he's successful, wifey is involved in civic activities and garden clubs (doesn't work), they have a circle of married friends and social activities, etc. So, I was REALLY surprised when he sighed and said, "Well, after 20 or so years together, it just becomes a routine and you don't even think about the other person anymore." WOW.
I guess I'm too much of a romantic to want it to become like that.
On another thread about how lonely it can get on Valentine's Day if you're single, someone responded by saying something to the effect of, "I'd rather be single than married and bored out of my mind." Why did the person feel the need to trash marriage in a thread that had nothing to do with that? If you enjoy being single, that's great. There's certainly nothing wrong being single. As a single person, I certainly don't feel miserable at not having a partner. But I don't feel like I have to trash marriage in order to explain why being single can be so great. You have to wonder about those singles who seem to take pleasure in trashing marriage. Can't they just be happy for the people who are married and accept that some people actually enjoy it even if you wouldn't?
Oh, c'mon, Denny. You're taking offense at a VERY NATURAL reaction. We live in a society that caters to couples and on Valentine's Day, in particular, the highlight IS on couples. Just to fit in, many people actually try to make sure they have a date on Valentine's Day so they're not pitied, put down, or made to feel inferior.
I'm not one of these people -- I have never cared much about Valentine's Day as it's just a marketing ploy. Even when I've had someone in my life on Valentine's Day, I've hated the pressure and the expectations. But I can certainly understand the resentment other people feel.
IMO, you're asking the wrong question. Instead of over-analyzing single people's responses, why aren't you asking why society isn't comfortable with people who are single? Because THAT discomfiture is what causes the problems -- it pushes people into thinking they need to be partnered at any cost, that their status in society demands being part of a couple, that they are worthless or something is wrong with them if they aren't. That is a HUGE problem and FAR worse than single people getting defensive.
I mean, if your personal decisions are always questioned -- sometimes even by perfect strangers -- how could you NOT be defensive at times? Married people have the financial and social advantages in society -- it's the position of power. It doesn't need your pity or defense.
Oh, c'mon, Denny. You're taking offense at a VERY NATURAL reaction. We live in a society that caters to couples and on Valentine's Day, in particular, the highlight IS on couples. Just to fit in, many people actually try to make sure they have a date on Valentine's Day so they're not pitied, put down, or made to feel inferior.
What's natural about it? I'm single and don't feel miserable about it. But it's NOT natural for me to start badmouthing marriage and married people. I'm secure enough in being single that I don't feel the need to tear down the person who's married in order to feel better about myself.
Quote:
Originally Posted by teatime
IMO, you're asking the wrong question. Instead of over-analyzing single people's responses, why aren't you asking why society isn't comfortable with people who are single? Because THAT discomfiture is what causes the problems -- it pushes people into thinking they need to be partnered at any cost, that their status in society demands being part of a couple, that they are worthless or something is wrong with them if they aren't. That is a HUGE problem and FAR worse than single people getting defensive.
Then why don't you start another thread about that? But I do think analyzing single people's responses is worthwhile. I've had to defend myself and my being single plenty of times. But I never needed to trash marriage in order to make my case. Why do these people need to do so? You know what I've noticed about people who trash others who have what they don't? They're envious. Like the skinny guy who trashes muscular guys, labeling them dumb jocks. You can't help but wonder why he feels that need. I'm not a big guy, but I don't go around belittling bodybuilders. Likewise, I don't go around saying that marriage sucks or that getting married is for people who want to lead boring lives.
What's natural about it? I'm single and don't feel miserable about it. But it's NOT natural for me to start badmouthing marriage and married people. I'm secure enough in being single that I don't feel the need to tear down the person who's married in order to feel better about myself.
Then why don't you start another thread about that? But I do think analyzing single people's responses is worthwhile. I've had to defend myself and my being single plenty of times. But I never needed to trash marriage in order to make my case. Why do these people need to do so? You know what I've noticed about people who trash others who have what they don't? They're envious. Like the skinny guy who trashes muscular guys, labeling them dumb jocks. You can't help but wonder why he feels that need. I'm not a big guy, but I don't go around belittling bodybuilders. Likewise, I don't go around saying that marriage sucks or that getting married is for people who want to lead boring lives.
I don't see that happening very often. The person who said I'd rather be single than married and bored, may have been referring to how he or she would feel, not everyone else who is married. If the thread was about poor lonely singles on V-day, yuk. V-day means nothing to me, and hasn't for years, whether I was single or not at the time. So that idea that singles are sad on that day is more of the same pity. No one tells married people they should get divorced so they can be happy. Well, not usually.
If I should say something negative about marriage it is only as it applies to me and usually it is in the form of a quip. If someone takes that as defensiveness, they need to look at themselves and their own feelings.
I don't think people realize the slights they put out there. They say things like "of course everyone wants to be married" casually, completely invalidating any other viewpoint and making a sweeping assumption like it's nothing. Even if people aren't in your face screaming insults, there is always an undertone and vague comments that tell singles they are wrong. I would rather have someone argue and debate with me than be casually dismissive of my life and choices.
Good points.
Unfortunately, people do that in all areas of life. If you're single, they want you to be married. If you're married, they want you to have kids. If you have kids, they want you to raise them a certain way.
How I react depends on how well I know someone. When people I don't know well make comments, I just say, "Oh. Hmm. Interesting." And then I move on, without making any attempts to get to know them further. Not my kind of people, as it were.
Family, friends, or people you see every day, like coworkers, are trickier, especially because they're usually the ones who ask questions. Years ago, I resorted to sarcasm like Ameiko's. My father used to say, "When are you going to meet a man and have babies?" One night I told him I could go out the bar and arrange it. He didn't bring it up again.
Now I ask them why they want to know. The more socially astute realize they've crossed a line and say, "Sorry, yeah, that was nosy of me."
Of course, there are always going to be people who push the point. They'll say something like "Just curious." My response there is to say, "Oh," and after a brief pause I'll change the subject. "So how was that vendor meeting? I heard you snagged a deal." or "Oh, look, there goes Uncle Sammy. You've gotta watch him. At the last shindig his dentures fell into the punch."
The bottom line is that single people--or kid-free people or whoever--do not owe the world any explanation. That doesn't make them defensive of their choices. It makes them protective of their privacy.
What's natural about it? I'm single and don't feel miserable about it. But it's NOT natural for me to start badmouthing marriage and married people. I'm secure enough in being single that I don't feel the need to tear down the person who's married in order to feel better about myself.
Then why don't you start another thread about that? But I do think analyzing single people's responses is worthwhile. I've had to defend myself and my being single plenty of times. But I never needed to trash marriage in order to make my case. Why do these people need to do so? You know what I've noticed about people who trash others who have what they don't? They're envious. Like the skinny guy who trashes muscular guys, labeling them dumb jocks. You can't help but wonder why he feels that need. I'm not a big guy, but I don't go around belittling bodybuilders. Likewise, I don't go around saying that marriage sucks or that getting married is for people who want to lead boring lives.
For one thing, responding to an intrusive remark with a flippant reference to why you don't want to be married isn't "trashing marriage." It's basically telling someone to back off without having to be direct. There is a HUGE difference between a single talking down marriage all of the time without being provoked and a single using a one-liner to basically say, "It's not for me so mind your own business."
And, yes, when my aunties get in my face and ask me why I "haven't found a fella," then I probably AM going to make a joke about marriage not being for me to deflect and lighten the intrusion instead of saying, "Will you leave me alone and mind your own business?!" The first response gets chuckles and the subject is dropped; the second response would create hurt feelings.
Secondly, in reference to the second comment I put in boldface, I don't know of any singles, myself included, who "go around" saying things like that without a prompt or reason. When you start threads that are pretty much guaranteed to raise emotions in singles, such as being lonely on Valentine's Day, then you can expect some responses like the ones you got. People are expressing themselves, which is what you wanted them to do. So why micromanage them, discount their responses and judge them over it?
For one thing, responding to an intrusive remark with a flippant reference to why you don't want to be married isn't "trashing marriage." It's basically telling someone to back off without having to be direct. There is a HUGE difference between a single talking down marriage all of the time without being provoked and a single using a one-liner to basically say, "It's not for me so mind your own business."
You can defend your choices without having to tear down the other person's. As a single person, I'm often asked why I'm still single. Yes, it's annoying. But I've never felt the need to take a shot at the person asking it or use it as an opportunity to spout what I think is unappealing about marriage. If someone asked me why I still haven't gotten married, I'd simply say, "I'm happy with the way my life is." Notice how I didn't say anything about them or what I think of marriage. But IMO, some people are quick to infer that they're being judged when the person asking is really just making conversation. It's sort of like if someone asks you why you haven't found a job yet. You have to figure out if the person is implying anything or judging you in any way. Is this person implying that I'm an idiot cause I haven't found a job yet or are they just asking out of curiosity? I've run into people who were clearly implying something about me when they asked why I was single. With those people, I didn't hesitate to make it clear that I didn't care for their tone or what they were implying. But I still stopped short of saying what I think of marriage and married people. In other cases, I knew the person asking the question didn't mean anything bad by it. In one case, I slipped up and assumed the person was judging me when they really weren't. Their response? "Sorry, don't be so touchy. I was just asking."
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