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Although I feel sad for the OP, I COMPLETELY agree with the above. You are "somehow" getting every dirty detail about this girl, absolutely nothing she has is private, zip; not her spending habits, not a single thing. I ask you to put yourself in her place. I personally *am* in her place so I know. How can a DIL ever act sweet and nice around someone who has dug into her dirty underwear constantly about every single detail?
I know you don't see it that way (CremeBrulee), and I'm sure your intentions are good, but do realize how dirty and cheap that makes a DIL feel...that literally not a word out of her mouth, a cent out of her pocket or a single argument is ever private but instead is broadcast to the whole family, apparently. Naturally she acts like a nut around you. I would seriously hesitate to start diagnosing her as some here have suggested you do. That is even worse. Now not only is she a horrible person in every possible way, but she's under psychiatric diagnosis by non-experts? If I were this woman I'd be running. Again...I know you don't see it this way. But maybe you need to. How would you feel?
You also don't know what prefaced, for example, the "yelling" incident. Your son was just sitting quietly and barely whispered and "I don't know" and she jumped on him? Do you know what happened the day before? The week before? The hour before? Apparently not, surprisingly, since so many other details have been revealed to you and other family members, but the fact is that you don't know. Your son could have been a right you-know to this girl the day before. She could have PMS. I mean you truly don't know. But the incident is yet another damning nail in this girl's reputation's coffin and trust me, she knows it. It doesn't matter how you couch things, she definitely knows how you feel about her.
I feel for this entire situation and am not trying to come down on you, CremeBrulee. But these people are adults. Isn't it time to let them have their own marriage? I think your insight about backing off a little is a good one, and will be good for everybody in the long run. I am thinking of you and hoping this all works out.
p.s. I am truly not trying to be hard on you, CB. I am just saying people tend to become what we think they are. Being on the defensive against an entire army of family members 24/7 and being scrutinized to every single bad habit or deed 24/7 will actually create a monster, or the appearance of one. Even saying you "try" to find the good in her is so damning. Imagine someone saying about you, "Here are all the embarrassing things CremeBrulee has done for 10 years, and in fact others agree with me that she's certifiable, potentially a bad mother and basically a monster. But" (insert heavy sigh here) "I try so hard to find anything good about CremeBrulee. I do this because I'm a good person, even though CremeBrulee is not; even trying to find something good about her is my statement that she's a worse person than most other people." You don't see it this way but she does, I'm sure...anybody would...I hope you keep this in mind and worry less about your son; he's a big boy and if he and the children actually are in danger, I'm sure he'll do something about it.
Before they were married, she said to me, "Your all he and his friends talk about" I believe she feared not being able to live up to me or something? or at least that is what others have suggested?
I can imagine feeling like it is hard to live up to Mom. Thank goodness I am not as insecure as she is but I can understand how it might be hard to "measure up." My MIL is the "best mom in the whole world, the best cook, the best hostess, the most generous gift giver, the best wife etc" She's just so darn wonderful thank goodness I don't have to compete with her in rooms other than the kitchen if you know what I mean. I would never win anywhere But I can order the best darn take-out, find the best caterer, and can re-create ALL of MIL 's recipes since they are just the best darn recipes ever!! And the difference is I am never made to feel like I don't measure up by my hubby or by the MIL although I'm sure she bites her tongue on occasion. (As do I)
Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee
Honestly, I don't care anymore, and I have decided to distance myself from all of them...it is best for all concerned. You've heard Clark Gable in Gone with the Wind say "Frankly my dear I don't give a darn...well, that is exactly how I now feel, numb...hurt, and frankly cry almost everyday...b/c it's sad all the way around....but this is not healthy...
I'm not looking for pity...this is just the way things are...
Yes, I am backing off....I must....there is nothing left I can do to win her, and I am to weary and to old to care.
Here is the funny part...you giving up may be what finally "wins her over." I really believe if you can all keep a healthy distance and try to show her that you respect her position as the "wife" the relationship can be changed over time. Please don't write her off completely, she may be a nut but she's your "nut-in -law" and if you can someday get along better, your SON will be the one who reaps the rewards. I hope one day to really be friends with my MIL but in the meantime I will settle for cautious affection and mutual respect. However it might make you feel better to ask my MIL where she HIDES her punching bag with my face on it
Hope things get better for you all!
(If you were my MIL I'd be nicer to you! HUG HUG HUG!)
I can understand how it might be hard to "measure up." My MIL is the "best mom in the whole world, the best cook, the best hostess, the most generous gift giver, the best wife etc" She's just so darn wonderful thank goodness I don't have to compete with her in rooms other than the kitchen if you know what I mean. I would never win anywhere But I can order the best darn take-out, find the best caterer, and can re-create ALL of MIL 's recipes since they are just the best darn recipes ever!! And the difference is I am never made to feel like I don't measure up by my hubby or by the MIL although I'm sure she bites her tongue on occasion. (As do I)
No, the way you describe her, I couldn't help but smile, it is so wonderful you and her respect each other so....and you don't ever have to worry about measuring up...sure you hubby loves his mother, as it should be, there is nothing like the relationship between a mother and son...but, he will love you more, in a different way...you are his wife, the mother of his children...and a DIL should never have to feel like she doesn't measure up? You are a very special person...in that he married you...you are the lady he picked....and you are the lady he gives his most intimate gifts to, not his mother...as it should be...and your MIL probably understands that.
Here is the funny part...you giving up may be what finally "wins her over." I really believe if you can all keep a healthy distance and try to show her that you respect her position as the "wife" the relationship can be changed over time. Please don't write her off completely, she may be a nut but she's your "nut-in -law" and if you can someday get along better, your SON will be the one who reaps the rewards. I hope one day to really be friends with my MIL but in the meantime I will settle for cautious affection and mutual respect. However it might make you feel better to ask my MIL where she HIDES her punching bag with my face on it
I don't believe that, by the way you describe her, not to mention you seem so mature and understanding, allowing, and if you do feel that way, I suggest you talk to her, honestly, cuz she and you both would benefit by a rewarding relationship.
(I have a girlfriend whose daughter in laws share that special bond with her, they love each other and I'd give anything to have that with my DIL)
well, you may be right, but actually in all truth, we live far away from each other, in the beginning I tried showing her it was ok, that I understood why she did what she did and she didn't respond...I believe she felt guilty for the way she treated me ( also thought with no words spoken, forgiving and forgetting was the best way to prove to her she was welcome)...so, the distance I am taking about is this...
I will always love my son...nothing can change that...but I can't keep contact with her anymore, it is way to uncomfortable for both of us...he can & will call, he always calls on his way to work for 10 years now, he alwasy calls when she is not around?????? but I will not be in the same room anymore....I can't. And believe me, that is what she wants...
Hope things get better for you all!
(If you were my MIL I'd be nicer to you! HUG HUG HUG!)
Ohhh boy, I can't tell you how that comment made me feel
thank you lil lady
Lets face it, I'm single and I am a very giving person, I can't tell you the clothes I've bought for my grand daughter and sent them...and she's thrown away, b/c they are not gymboree...
Just a thought: If your DIL likes Gymboree for your granddaughter, buy Gymboree. That small gesture will speak volumes. if you cannot afford Gymboree, how about a gift certificate to Gymboree in an amount you can afford?
(I only wish my own MIL would give me gift certificates instead of the *ahem* "gifts" she gives me !)
Just a thought: If your DIL likes Gymboree for your granddaughter, buy Gymboree. That small gesture will speak volumes. if you cannot afford Gymboree, how about a gift certificate to Gymboree in an amount you can afford?
(I only wish my own MIL would give me gift certificates instead of the *ahem* "gifts" she gives me !)
Riveree....just a hint... did you know that a gift is an extension of the person giving....in other wards, that person who is giving you that gift, enjoys that same article for herself/himself. So regardless if your pleased with the gift or not...please find joy and contentment with the gift, no matter how small, no matter how riduculous you might think it to be.
Actually, I give the kids money so much for gifts, that once in a while, I do like to purchase things for them, but realize the generation gap, and would actually rather give them money to buy what they want or need.
But my grand daughter is different...I did enjoy buying for her....and it hurt very badly to find out that the cloths I bought were thrown away.
Most of the gals I work with are young mothers and they constantly commented how they wished their mothers, and MIL's had good taste in cloths, not to mention, they wished they would buy for their children like I bought for my grand-daughter.
What I'm trying to say, is....a gift is purchased with love...thought, time, and money...so please remember to be thankful that someone took the time to purchase something. I don't shop for gifts so much anymore, cuz when you know your gifts are not appreciated, well, it kinda takes the joy outa giving...yanno?
Just a thought: If your DIL likes Gymboree for your granddaughter, buy Gymboree. That small gesture will speak volumes. if you cannot afford Gymboree, how about a gift certificate to Gymboree in an amount you can afford?
(I only wish my own MIL would give me gift certificates instead of the *ahem* "gifts" she gives me !)
Riveree....just a hint... did you know that a gift is an extension of the person giving....in other wards, that person who is giving you that gift, enjoys that same article for herself/himself. So regardless if your pleased with the gift or not...please find joy and contentment with the gift, no matter how small, no matter how riduculous you might think it to be.
Actually, I give the kids money so much for gifts, that once in a while, I do like to purchase things for them, but realize the generation gap, and would actually rather give them money to buy what they want or need.
But my grand daughter is different...I did enjoy buying for her....and it hurt very badly to find out that the cloths I bought were thrown away.
Most of the gals I work with are young mothers and they constantly commented how they wished their mothers, and MIL's had good taste in cloths, not to mention, they wished they would buy for their children like I bought for my grand-daughter.
What I'm trying to say, is....a gift is purchased with love...thought, time, and money...so please remember to be thankful that someone took the time to purchase something. I don't shop for gifts so much anymore, cuz when you know your gifts are not appreciated, well, it kinda takes the joy outa giving...yanno?
creme,,,per usual i have a different angle on this thread,,,
i was in a marriage that started out very well, but after our child was born, things took a dive,,i avoided conflict, appeased, controlling, and manipulative behavior, i basically turned into a doormat,,and hated myself for it,,,,but didnt challenge when i should have to avoid,,conflict,,
after losing most of my friends, not having any hobbies, etc, i still couldnt see the forest from the trees..
i knew things were wrong on my end,,,but so much didnt want to rock the boat because we had a family...(shame on me for not speaking up)
one day, years into the marriage, my mother (which doesnt say boo, and is a peach) said to me, "i've never seen you so introverted, quiet, ,,its like you are walking on glass all the time, not saying a thing,,,,,and the whole family has seen you become withdrawn"
and she didnt make any judgement on my wife at all,,,or ask about work, or anything else,,,,and that one sentence,,opened my eyes,,to the reality, i was blind to, i was simply miserable...lost all identity i had....actually felt trapped..
and it was from that point on,,i started standing up for myself,,,i refused to be a doormat,,
i couldnt see the forest from the trees,,,,i was too busy being a dead log, and not myself.
ya know, we grow up with relationships, with our brothers/sisters/mothers and fathers, i do believe,,just because someone is married, that doesnt mean the family relationship ends, meaning if /when my sister told me what she thought, she had every right to do so,, and vice-versa, now if she's being controlling about it,,or below board,,then i wouldnt listen to her,,,,but on quite a few occassions,,she was seeing/married to abusive men,,and i didnt hold back my opinion or actions,, and that road goes both ways,
its good to respect the marital relationship, and give the benefit of the doubt,,to the spouse,,however, just as men play headgames with woman,,and mentally abuse them,,,woman can also do this,,,and why not?
creme,,,you have been a mother far longer than he's been married, if you want to express your concerned views, i believe you have every right to!!
id just suggest,,not pointing any fingers, or even bringing her name up,,just relay that he has seem to change so much, you miss the relationship you once had as a mother with him,,,let him bring her up,,be respectful,,,you will get your point across,,without pointing fingers,,
you need to get him one on one,,,whether you can take him to lunch ,,if hes not "allowed" then make something up,,tell him you made out a will and want to go over it with him,,one on one,,something serious like that,,
thats usually one subject a controlling wife will let her hubby go by himself,,
write him a letter,,express whatever you want,,,,to me she is being very rude to you, and disrespectful, you can write a letter,,,be respectful, to her,,,but express how you feel,,and somehow wish it were better
good luck,,
and remember,,you are the mother,,you have every right to express your opinion,,as does a brother or sister, or friend,,
Riveree....just a hint... did you know that a gift is an extension of the person giving....in other wards, that person who is giving you that gift, enjoys that same article for herself/himself. So regardless if your pleased with the gift or not...please find joy and contentment with the gift, no matter how small, no matter how riduculous you might think it to be.
What I'm trying to say, is....a gift is purchased with love...thought, time, and money...so please remember to be thankful that someone took the time to purchase something. I don't shop for gifts so much anymore, cuz when you know your gifts are not appreciated, well, it kinda takes the joy outa giving...yanno?
Love to ya
Creme
I don't think you're understanding what I'm saying, Creme.
If your DIL likes the color Blue, but you prefer Red, buy her the Blue vase, not the Red one.
Sure, sharing a gift with someone of something that YOU yourself like and enjoy is a nice gesture.......once in a while. When you're buying a gift for someone else, the idea is to buy them what THEY like, at least most of the time.
My MIL loves country craft items - I can't stand the sight of them. I give her country craft items and she displays them proudly in her home. She gives me country craft items and well.......they sit in the closet except for a few that I display in my kitchen for her benefit.......country crafts just don't mesh well with wenge and chrome, y'know ?!
To me, the message is that my MIL 1) doesn't even take the time to get to know me in the slightest way or she would not load me up with these things year after year, or 2) she knows they are not my thing but she wants my house to look like hers and she's not going to stop until the closets bust open and the country crafts spill out all over (she wants to change me).
So if you know she likes Gymboree, and you truly want to reach out to her (or maybe you don't...it's your choice), then why not buy her some Gymboree? I'm saying it's a small gesture on your part that would most likely pay off well for you in terms of easing some of the tension between the two of you.
I don't think you're understanding what I'm saying, Creme.
If your DIL likes the color Blue, but you prefer Red, buy her the Blue vase, not the Red one.
Sure, sharing a gift with someone of something that YOU yourself like and enjoy is a nice gesture.......once in a while. When you're buying a gift for someone else, the idea is to buy them what THEY like, at least most of the time.
My MIL loves country craft items - I can't stand the sight of them. I give her country craft items and she displays them proudly in her home. She gives me country craft items and well.......they sit in the closet except for a few that I display in my kitchen for her benefit.......country crafts just don't mesh well with wenge and chrome, y'know ?!
To me, the message is that my MIL 1) doesn't even take the time to get to know me in the slightest way or she would not load me up with these things year after year, or 2) she knows they are not my thing but she wants my house to look like hers and she's not going to stop until the closets bust open and the country crafts spill out all over (she wants to change me).
So if you know she likes Gymboree, and you truly want to reach out to her (or maybe you don't...it's your choice), then why not buy her some Gymboree? I'm saying it's a small gesture on your part that would most likely pay off well for you in terms of easing some of the tension between the two of you.
ahhhhh ok, you and I were not on the same page... but now, I capish....
no, no, no, you can't change people....you can't even expect them to participate, unless they choose to...
hugs to ya....and thanks
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Again...I know you don't see it this way. But maybe you need to. How would you feel?
But I can order the best darn take-out, find the best caterer, and can re-create ALL of MIL 's recipes since they are just the best darn recipes ever!! 
I hear ya
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