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i am engaged and am about to get married in sept....my fiance has deppression and temper problems, and everything is always the end of the world...i treat her excellent, not just saying that but i do and she would tell you i do to...i have known about these problems before we got engaged, so its not an all of a sudden thing...in fact i posted on here once asking how do you know if it is time to call quits...we have a lot of plans ready for the wedding and i would kind of feel bad shutting them down, as i am one who wants to work on things, but i just dont know...im just happy go lucky, and she is sad, depressed, everything is wrong type thing...and she admits these things too, she doesnt always treat me great, its a hot and cold type situaton...im just not sure what to do, and any advice would be nice...maybe what kind of questions i need to ask myself...anyone experience this...i mean she really does love me, but just dont know....
Cancel the engagement - now. You know what you'd be getting into, right? It would be much worse after you're married.
Do you really deserve such treatment? No. It's a topsy, turvy, dark world with her, and you don't need to be in it. Could you live 24/7 with her moods and negative outlook? You sound like a nice man, and deserve way better.
No disrespect to your fiancee ... I'm just trying to be real.
Don't let her drag you down.
In time, find a woman who's optimistic, or at least not so dramatic and soooo negative. Life is hard enough without dealing with a significant other's drama. You need a woman to support you and be strong for you when you feel weak. You need someone to laugh with. You need someone who can find something good in life, in spite of its many problems. Apparently, she isn't the one ...
The bad news is most people like that won't stay on meds. They will always treat the people they need the most the worst. You will have a hard time knowing when something is your fault or if it is her condition. The good news is you will know this going into the marriage. You will have to be a full time husband and part time therapist to make it work.
Lots marriages aren't story book marriages there is bound to be issues in most. IMO too many single people think they need to be in perfect relationships to be happy.
You seem like a very compassionate person who tries very hard to be the bigger person, and patient enough to wait. Because of that, I would not advise you to "get as far away from her as possible." I completely understand about having doubts before a wedding, and feeling so much pressure to follow through instead of listening to instinct. Even on the way to the church, my dad told me if I had any doubts, I should call it off. Oh, if only I had listened. Feeling embarassed over disappointing a handful of people (most of which were not even close to me) would have been so much easier than the almost 14 years of unhappiness and the hardships my children have gone through as a result.
Rather than make a huge issue over cancelling, why don't you "postpone" the wedding and refrain from setting a date at this time. Tell her you've got cold feet. It doesn't matter what you say, you can handle the consequences. At the very least, after postponing, put a lot more time between now and making the commitment of marriage. You have doubts and concerns; they are there for a reason.
My advice is run to the nearest exit. You are subjecting yourself to a life of misery being with a person like this. Life is tough and it will most assuredly get tougher after you are married particularly if you are married to someone with the issues she has. Be very certain that you are willing to make this type of sacrifice.
The bad news is most people like that won't stay on meds. They will always treat the people they need the most the worst.
This is not true. People who have mental illness are capable of having successful relationships, as long as they are under appropriate treatment and their partner understands (and accepts) the disorder. I know several women with depression and bipolar disorder who have very happy marriages. They are medicated, of course, but they are not 100% happy all the time. And really, who is? But the idea that MOST people won't stay on meds is wrong.
Depression aside, I think the fact that you have to question whether or not you should marry her should make you step back. I would advise that you seek counseling if you think you really want to work things out with her. But if you don't, then leave now. You don't want to go through a divorce down the line. They are horribly painful. And you will get one eventually, if you marry someone you don't really want to marry.
Break it off. Be the bad guy. Let people grumble for a while. Don't sacrifice your very life for the sake of maintaining your reputation.
Redisca's advice is 100% correct - break it off. Yes, it would be tough now. But it is exponentially tougher after marriage. And if you add kids into the mix it becomes even more difficult still. I know of what I speak on this one.
I cannot say it strongly enough -- given the concerns you have and the differences involved, do NOT marry her.
i am engaged and am about to get married in sept....my fiance has deppression and temper problems, and everything is always the end of the world...i treat her excellent, not just saying that but i do and she would tell you i do to...i have known about these problems before we got engaged, so its not an all of a sudden thing...in fact i posted on here once asking how do you know if it is time to call quits...we have a lot of plans ready for the wedding and i would kind of feel bad shutting them down, as i am one who wants to work on things, but i just dont know...im just happy go lucky, and she is sad, depressed, everything is wrong type thing...and she admits these things too, she doesnt always treat me great, its a hot and cold type situaton...im just not sure what to do, and any advice would be nice...maybe what kind of questions i need to ask myself...anyone experience this...i mean she really does love me, but just dont know....
CV, I can tell you this with total certainty: The wedding ceremony is NOT the finish line, but rather the starting gun. Everything up to this point has simply been prolog.
In fact, I would say that if things are a little rough right now, what the heck do you think things will be like when you're married and dealing with a tight money situation, kids, in-laws, and the rest of the gamut of married life. Nope, marriage can be stressful enough when you're with somebody in which you have utter faith and confidence.
As far as the canceling of the wedding is concerned, don't give it a second thought. If you thought it was expensive to cancel the cater, just wait until you see what a divorce runs. Further, if you decide to bow out now, nobody in the world will blame you for doing so. At least, nobody with a lick of sense.
This is not true. People who have mental illness are capable of having successful relationships, as long as they are under appropriate treatment and their partner understands (and accepts) the disorder. I know several women with depression and bipolar disorder who have very happy marriages. They are medicated, of course, but they are not 100% happy all the time. And really, who is? But the idea that MOST people won't stay on meds is wrong.
.
with all due respect , You should ask their husbands. If every one stayed on their meds it would not be an issue of any concern
Last edited by thriftylefty; 05-01-2010 at 03:35 PM..
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