Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
My boyfriend/fiance and I have been together for almost two years. We're both 20 years old. The sex was fine up until the past six months ago or so. I started not really caring if we had sex or not. He's extremely attractive and everything that I look for in a man. He's not bad at it by any means, and I do enjoy myself a majority of the time when we have sex. I just stopped actively seeking it.
Well a few months ago, I was starting to get resentful because we rarely went out on dates or celebrated holidays, or did any of that other 'typical' relationship stuff. Then I realized that I was being hypocritical because he wanted sex quite often but I rarely gave in, similar to how I always wanted to go out and have fun but he'd rather ignore my requests in favor of entertainment at home. So I thought that maybe if I started taking more of an interest in where he was coming from that things might get better. For a couple of weeks I tried harder, made many efforts to please him, and the result was....nothing. This made things a lot worse.
Now I'm almost never in the mood for sex but he still wants it constantly. If I kiss him, he takes it as a sign to start groping me. He constantly touches me and tells me how much he wants me, etc. Which would be fine in moderation but this is every day. It bothers me so much.
I really love him and I don't want this to destroy our relationship. I just don't know how to go about enjoying it again. I've forced myself to have sex with him a few times, even when I really, REALLY did not want to, and it ends terribly. As soon as he finishes, I just go into the bathroom and cry hysterically. I feel so disgusted with myself for doing it just to make him happy. I don't know what's wrong with me! I don't mind doing other things to make him happy, so why are sexual acts any different?
I've tried talking to him about it before, just today actually. I told him that I feel bad that I'm not as interested in sex as he it. This is my biggest concern: he feels that it's his fault that I'm like this. I think that it's my fault and not his, which I tell him all the time. He never believes it, though. Anyway, he told me not to dwell on it and then changed the subject. How am I supposed to not dwell on this? I love him very much and don't want to destroy our relationship. Maybe I'm just not communicating effectively.
I would be grateful for any advice that you guys could offer. We talk about our future together all the time and I know that he's the person that I want to spend my life with. I fear that if things keep going this way he'll get sick of it eventually and just move on to someone else who can give him what he wants. At the same time, I'm really getting tired of his hands being all over me and us not being able to do anything fun together that isn't laying in his bed.
You don't have to answer this publicly, but if you were molested or raped when you were younger then chances are it's come back to haunt you.
Either way, yes or no, it might be a good idea to talk to a professional, be it physician or psychiatric. Doesn't sound like something you two will be able to work out between you. I wish you well.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 20,005,830 times
Reputation: 9418
Quote:
Originally Posted by Coolhand68
You don't have to answer this publicly, but if you were molested or raped when you were younger then chances are it's come back to haunt you.
Either way, yes or no, it might be a good idea to talk to a professional, be it physician or psychiatric. Doesn't sound like something you two will be able to work out between you. I wish you well.
I know a lot of people, mainly men, automatically assume this but sometimes it's merely a case of no or lack of emotional conncection and/or fulfillment between the two, plain and simple. Guys, particularly, should hear--really hear--this.
I lived in a sexless marriage for decades and I can tell you it will eventually destroy your relationship. You can't even imagine the resentment and contempt.
Dating and a committed LTR are 2 different things. The LTR means partly that you do work for long term future goals. Most of those goals involve saving money and spending less on things like entertainment. If you need to go out and party, perhaps you aren't ready for a LTR right now. There's nothing wrong with that, it's just where you are right now.
Be honest. Be fair to him. Yes, it may end but there's always the possibility he may be willing to go back to just dating as well. At 20, you're both still figuring things out.
I know a lot of people, mainly men, automatically assume this but sometimes it's merely a case of no or lack of emotional conncection and/or fulfillment between the two, plain and simple. Guys, particularly, should hear--really hear--this.
Just speculating, not assuming this is actually the case. I happen to know someone who experienced this as a result of being raped as a child and she had blocked the experience from her memory entirely until it surfaced in adulthood.
You don't have to answer this publicly, but if you were molested or raped when you were younger then chances are it's come back to haunt you.
Either way, yes or no, it might be a good idea to talk to a professional, be it physician or psychiatric. Doesn't sound like something you two will be able to work out between you. I wish you well.
Funny you mention that. That possibility has crossed my mind as well, but I do not remember ever being sexually assaulted. It's possible that I could have blocked it from my memory, I guess. I don't remember very much as it is regarding my past. If only our brains were like computers and I could CTRL+F to find my answer x_x
That's a good suggestion. I was hoping it wouldn't come to that. I don't make much money and don't have health insurance. I'm not sure that I'd be able to afford to see anyone about it I'll look into it, though.
That is a complicated predicament. I can tell you I have seen relationships end badly with this exact dynamic in place.
I agree completely about seeing a professional of some sort. Whatever the cause may be, it's something that needs to be dealt with carefully, and people trying to work it out as a problem between the two of them alone, often let their own wants and desires get it the way of them actually being helpful to the other person.
Just whatever you do, in the meantime, try not to make him feel like a depraved pervert for wanting to have sex with you as often as he does (at 20 almost all men are hornballs). It would also be good to explain to him your position clearly and make it clear that it's something that you think you may need professional help with. If that doesn't sink in, you might try the strategy of explaining to him that your sex drive will very likely drastically increase in a few years. (One of nature's cruelest jokes, a young man's sex drive being comparable to that of a middle aged woman)
I know a lot of people, mainly men, automatically assume this but sometimes it's merely a case of no or lack of emotional conncection and/or fulfillment between the two, plain and simple. Guys, particularly, should hear--really hear--this.
This is what kills me about the situation. I care about him a LOT. We're always together and know each other inside and out. He is so important to me, I know that it's not a lack of emotional connection. I think that it's something wrong with me and me alone. I just have no idea what it is or how to fix it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by yellowsnow
I lived in a sexless marriage for decades and I can tell you it will eventually destroy your relationship. You can't even imagine the resentment and contempt.
Dating and a committed LTR are 2 different things. The LTR means partly that you do work for long term future goals. Most of those goals involve saving money and spending less on things like entertainment. If you need to go out and party, perhaps you aren't ready for a LTR right now. There's nothing wrong with that, it's just where you are right now.
Be honest. Be fair to him. Yes, it may end but there's always the possibility he may be willing to go back to just dating as well. At 20, you're both still figuring things out.
That's my greatest fear. I'm sorry that you had to experience that. What do you think that your partner could have done to remedy the situation in a way that would have made you both happy?
Maybe some more background information is necessary. We both live at home with our parent(s). I work at a hotel and he works at a pizza place. I pay bills (credit cards (never again!), car, insurance, etc) but he doesn't pay anything. His parents bought his car, pay for his gas, etc because he's in college. We aren't at a point in our lives where we're saving for too much, but we are working toward our goals.
I abhor partying. After going through a brief period of living that lifestyle, I've decided that I'm done with it. I do not drink anymore. I do not enjoy being around a lot of people, especially obnoxious idiots. I just think that it would be nice for us to go to a museum or the zoo or something. But I know that he's in school and working hard, so I don't let that bother me too much anymore. Since I make more money I'm hoping to start funding all of our leisure activities, especially when he gets into harder classes and has to stop working altogether. I only added that part in to explain why I had tried in the past.
I've tried being honest and it doesn't get me anywhere. How would you suggest that I be more fair? I am open to any and all suggestions here because we've both agreed that it's each other or nothing. He's told me repeatedly that if he didn't have me he wouldn't have anyone, that he has no interest in dating or playing the field as many of his friends do. This is his first relationship, and I think that adds to our communication difficulties sometimes. He's experiencing everything for the first time and up until now I've always been able to solve our troubles with relative ease. But now I'm just stuck and don't know what to do.
I can understand wanting to go out sometimes or just kiss without it leading to sex but crying after you have sex with a guy you supposedly really like?
Just speculating, not assuming this is actually the case. I happen to know someone who experienced this as a result of being raped as a child and she had blocked the experience from her memory entirely until it surfaced in adulthood.
Wow. That actually happens? I didn't know people could really block events out of their memories for so long.
Well now I'm a bit concerned. There are holes in my memory where there was definitely the potential for this to happen. Refer to my previous post where I mentioned briefly living a party lifestyle.
I hope this isn't the case. I hope that I'm just immature or communicating ineffectively. At least then I can read a book or see someone who can knock some sense into me It's just not fair to him to be in a relationship like this...I feel terrible.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I'll look into it, though.
It's just not fair to him to be in a relationship like this...I feel terrible.
