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I dont think anyone considers their words carefully enough. There are plenty of ways to say something without hurting, however the asker of the question has to take responsibility for their question too. Can they handle the answer - whatever it is?
Many reactions to these answers are emotional in nature which is something we ourselves can manage if only we recognise this. But, most people think we react to what someone else has said. Yes, we do, but we have the choice to react or not, just like we have the choice whether we think a joke is funny or not or whether we feel an emotuion when reading a story in a book. It is NOT the other person who makes us offended but ourselves who process it that way.
So, it is often our own life-filters and beliefs which determine how we react to a response to a question we ask and it is our personal responsibility to be mature enough to handle the answer. I am sure there will be people who disagree with this view.
I posted this in a similar thread on the Psychology forum.
There is also lying by omission, not saying what you know because it may be hurtful. The example I gave is that of a friend of mine whose brother-in-law was killed in an accident a few years ago at around 40 years of age. He was at a red light when a man who had some type of seizure while driving came through the intersection and slammed into his car.
Whenever my friend mentions her BIL's death, she says, "At least we are comforted by the fact that he died instantly. Instantly. Never knew what hit him."
Except that my niece's husband was the first EMT to arrive at the scene. Steve's chest was crushed and he was drowning in his own blood but he was conscious and kept trying to talk. He died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. Am I ever going to correct my friend about her belief that her sister's husband died "instantly"? No. Never.
Yours is an example where it is morally right - or even an imperative - to lie. What gets me is all the cases where it is morally wrong to lie - and people know it - but do so anyway. That is why I wanted to get input in the religious sub.
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