Let's Hear Some Nice Clean Jokes! (prayer, bless, quote, faith)

[kawgpz550]

Presenting the top morons of the year...

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from own his bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked at the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)

8. THE GRAND FINALE
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much power was applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong.

A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.

He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE ... Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer

[mams1559]

↑←← This was toooooo funny!!

PS - Was a little taken aback by your title, as I first misread it as "mormons" instead of "morons" -- my bad

[Pathwalker]

Originally Posted by mams1559

NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND.... I promise you cannot read these and not laugh
out loud. These are real notes written by parents in various school districts. Spellings have been left intact.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathe - the sh**s.

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a
weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.


Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.

Kudos. Would have repped - needed to spread it around - yada yada yada.

Loved #14 - had me LMAO!

[Pathwalker]

Does anyone know how the bubblegum got across the road?
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It was stuck to the chicken's foot.

[GASunshine]

What did the fish say when it hit the wall?

"Dam."

[Mag3.14]

I played a blank tape on full volume last night. The mime next door went nuts!..Steven Right

[GASunshine]

How do you change a cat into a dog?

You throw it into the fire and it goes "Woof"

Iokay, you need to gesticulate on the "woof" part and make it sound like something going up in a puff of smoke . . . and I'm a cat person]

[Pathwalker]

How many morons does it take to change a light bulb?
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100. It takes 1 to hold the light bulb, and 99 to turn the house.

[kawgpz550]

I put this on another thread, but thought I would share it here as well, since some people do not go to the Upbeat Thread

Click on the link below and look for the differences in the pics. Make sure you have your speakers on so you can hear the music at the end.

http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/Zoeken.swf (broken link)

Edit:
Ok, I should have probably done this from the start but wasn't thinking
If you have a week heart...be prepared , or maybe not go on there. Now I'm giving too meay details Just kidding

[Pathwalker]

^I've seen those things before, so I knew right away what this was, and what to expect to "find". You may want to post a warning that people with weak hearts shouldn't do this.