Shouldn't family come before religion?!? (hell, churches, Islam, quote)
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I know someone who has recently been "disowned" by her family because she does not have the same religious views as they do. Since it's a somewhat touchy and personal issue I was hesitant to post it, but the more I think about it, the more I think it needs to be shared and acknowledged for the ugly scenario that I believe it is. Here are the basic details:
When talking to her parents on the phone the other night, they had asked her if she was teaching her young son (I think he's about 8- I can't keep up with my friend's kids ages...!) the "proper" beliefs (Jehova's Witness). She replied "no", and when they asked why not, she said "because that is not what I/we believe in". Now of course she has done her best to let them know that she does not believe as they do in the past, but clearly either her parents ignored her or were in denial...at any rate, her parents continued to prod her and then chide her incessantly for failing to raise her child "properly" and then, finally, told her that if she dare denounce the beliefs with which she was born of and raised, and chooses not to live, and raise her child with said beliefs (that of Jehova's witness), that she is DEAD to them, no longer their daughter nor is her son their grandchild, and that she is to lose all contact with them and never make any attempts to contact them in the future. That's right, they COMPLETELY DISOWNED HER. This happened only a few days ago, so right now she is feeling hurt more than anger (which is what the rest of us who know her are feeling!). These are her PARENTS! Parents are supposed to love their children unconditionally...aren't they?!?
No matter how and which way I try to look at this situation from every aspect, I can NOT wrap my head around it to where it makes sense. Now I am not a religious person but, as I try to pretend I were simply to make sense of where her parents were coming from, I still can NOT imagine disowning my own child- nor anyone I truly loved- simply because they believe something different than I do. Can any of you?!? I know I will probably regret asking and not like the answers I get but, honestly, one of the reasons I come on here is not just to vent and express myself, but to learn by hearing other points of view- ones that I wouldn't have had on my own. So if you think her folks were in the right- do tell why. As of now I can't think of anything one's child could do that could be reason enough to "disown" or stop a parent from showing them love and care, and I'm hard pressed to believe that there exists any valid reason but if there is one- I'd be quite interested to learn of it...irregardless, it's all very, very sad, and I'm just glad she has her little boy and a loving man to console her through all this.
And on a side note, in case any of you are wondering/concerned about her little boy...I might have otherwise been concerned too, about how she might explain to him why his grandparents are refusing to see him, but this is a very "different" child- very, very bright and aware. Fairly recently he had asked his mom and dad, "do we have any jewish people in our family?" They said "no, why"? He said, "because I don't want to be jewish". They were momentarily concerned and told him that there's nothing wrong with being jewish and asked him why he said that. He responded: "oh I know, I just don't want to be any religion, I want to be free.". !!! What an amazing, and wise little boy, huh?!? So although he'll no doubt still be disappointed, and will likely have even MORE trouble "understanding" since he understands things on such a deep level, we all have a feeling that at least there won't be much difficulty explaining to this child why his grandparents aren't going to be in his life anymore. And what a shame- for the grandparents-because it seems as though this little boy could sure teach them a thing or two...
I know someone who has recently been "disowned" by her family because she does not have the same religious views as they do. Since it's a somewhat touchy and personal issue I was hesitant to post it, but the more I think about it, the more I think it needs to be shared and acknowledged for the ugly scenario that I believe it is. Here are the basic details:
When talking to her parents on the phone the other night, they had asked her if she was teaching her young son (I think he's about 8- I can't keep up with my friend's kids ages...!) the "proper" beliefs (Jehova's Witness). She replied "no", and when they asked why not, she said "because that is not what I/we believe in". Now of course she has done her best to let them know that she does not believe as they do in the past, but clearly either her parents ignored her or were in denial...at any rate, her parents continued to prod her and then chide her incessantly for failing to raise her child "properly" and then, finally, told her that if she dare denounce the beliefs with which she was born of and raised, and chooses not to live, and raise her child with said beliefs (that of Jehova's witness), that she is DEAD to them, no longer their daughter nor is her son their grandchild, and that she is to lose all contact with them and never make any attempts to contact them in the future. That's right, they COMPLETELY DISOWNED HER. This happened only a few days ago, so right now she is feeling hurt more than anger (which is what the rest of us who know her are feeling!). These are her PARENTS! Parents are supposed to love their children unconditionally...aren't they?!?
No matter how and which way I try to look at this situation from every aspect, I can NOT wrap my head around it to where it makes sense. Now I am not a religious person but, as I try to pretend I were simply to make sense of where her parents were coming from, I still can NOT imagine disowning my own child- nor anyone I truly loved- simply because they believe something different than I do. Can any of you?!? I know I will probably regret asking and not like the answers I get but, honestly, one of the reasons I come on here is not just to vent and express myself, but to learn by hearing other points of view- ones that I wouldn't have had on my own. So if you think her folks were in the right- do tell why. As of now I can't think of anything one's child could do that could be reason enough to "disown" or stop a parent from showing them love and care, and I'm hard pressed to believe that there exists any valid reason but if there is one- I'd be quite interested to learn of it...irregardless, it's all very, very sad, and I'm just glad she has her little boy and a loving man to console her through all this.
And on a side note, in case any of you are wondering/concerned about her little boy...I might have otherwise been concerned too, about how she might explain to him why his grandparents are refusing to see him, but this is a very "different" child- very, very bright and aware. Fairly recently he had asked his mom and dad, "do we have any jewish people in our family?" They said "no, why"? He said, "because I don't want to be jewish". They were momentarily concerned and told him that there's nothing wrong with being jewish and asked him why he said that. He responded: "oh I know, I just don't want to be any religion, I want to be free.". !!! What an amazing, and wise little boy, huh?!? So although he'll no doubt still be disappointed, and will likely have even MORE trouble "understanding" since he understands things on such a deep level, we all have a feeling that at least there won't be much difficulty explaining to this child why his grandparents aren't going to be in his life anymore. And what a shame- for the grandparents-because it seems as though this little boy could sure teach them a thing or two...
That happens sometimes with religions that believe you will go to hell if you believe differently. The action is an attempt to bring the lost person back into the fold. The possible loss of family is the most cruel aspect of the more fundamentalist, conservative of Christianity and Islam.
Its something I have never understood and my children will be free to choose or not choose to be religious. It would never have any affect on how I feel about them.
Not all religion is bad and not all religious people choose to act this way.
Such responses are typical for a cult. They try to use isolation to bring the person back into the fold with that "without us, you are nothing". It's like any other (emotionally) abusive relationship. Kudos to your friend for breaking free and raising her son with a dose of common sense.
Interesting that you both mentioned the whole "lure back to the fold" as a ploy or ultimatum...it hadn't even occurred to me that her parents might have been hoping she would "cave" in order to maintain their love. Wow...that is so manipulative, and horrid! And I'm glad you both pointed that out, because although I am mostly sad and hurt for her, it just confirms the respect I already had for her in that she didn't "take the bait" that I now can't help but think was dangled before her. Nor did she even once consider any alternative to doing what she did which was, sadly, to accept and, hopefully, learn from the hurt imposed upon her by her ignorant, small-minded parents and bid them farewell. What a loss. And I mean theirs, not hers.
If she does not need to depend on them financially, then tell her to tell them good riddance. If they (the parents) are so cruel as to disown their own flesh and blood due to religious beliefs, then they deserve everything horrible (my bad...) coming to them in the future.
I would tell your friend that even if they beg in the future to reconnect, she would shut them out of her and her son's life.
Such responses are typical for a cult. They try to use isolation to bring the person back into the fold with that "without us, you are nothing". It's like any other (emotionally) abusive relationship. Kudos to your friend for breaking free and raising her son with a dose of common sense.
Yes its behavior cults often have, but its also something that some folks in mainstream Christianity and Islam carry out when their children leave the fold or even marry someone of another religion. Those religions that have the "we have the truth and everyone else doesn't" see someone who marries out of the faith or leaves the faith as lost and going to hell and they want to save them from that fate.
Yes its behavior cults often have, but its also something that some folks in mainstream Christianity and Islam carry out when their children leave the fold or even marry someone of another religion. Those religions that have the "we have the truth and everyone else doesn't" see someone who marries out of the faith or leaves the faith as lost and going to hell and they want to save them from that fate.
Yes, one might argue that intolerant religions like that ARE nothing more than cults.
It's not that family should come before religion- it must always be the other way round- it is that religions should perhaps respect the rights of others to differ, and some religions do not. In a family situation, it may be that a majority who reject a minority are better left to themselves by that minority.
Yes its behavior cults often have, but its also something that some folks in mainstream Christianity and Islam carry out when their children leave the fold or even marry someone of another religion. Those religions that have the "we have the truth and everyone else doesn't" see someone who marries out of the faith or leaves the faith as lost and going to hell and they want to save them from that fate.
The principle of mainstream Christianity is best seen in Paul's instruction to believing spouses to fully respect an unbelieving spouse in the hope that they may be converted. This principle extends to all such relationships, whether in families or anywhere else.
to the OP: that is nothing compared to parents who killed their own daughter just coz he is dating a guy out of their religion and/or race. some people can be looney tunes with their belief and principles just like the more recent joe stack incident. i guess my sis is lucky that even though my mom is a devout catholic, she did not disown her own daughter just coz she decided to go the non denom christian belief. actually i dunno know what my sis is searching for. she used to be a devout catholic as we were all raised. and one day she just decided to join all the diff churches she can find. i guess we are lucky our parents let us do what we want really. they are not the nosy, dictator type of parents.
by the way, it seems like your friend had gone agnostic? what does she believe in now? from what the kid said it seem they gone commando.. joke.
oh sorry... to shibata: it is not fundy but non denom... up to this day i dunno what it means.
Last edited by baket; 02-21-2010 at 05:57 PM..
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