The afterlife is merely man's way of dealing with the finality of death. When I was 30 something and my kids came along, I too was anxious and accepted the default programming of my parents. What a huge waste of time effort and in particular lots of money.
It is the best scam in history almost like life insurance but you actually have to die to collect...
hmm I wonder where the insurance companies dreamed that one up
Yuppers, we get streets of gold that would essentially be worthless unless the NYSE and big rotten businesses are also going to heaven. A golden mansion seems ludicrous as according to the bible, we shall be like angels and they are asexual plus it apparently never gets dark in heaven, seems like your own possie (mansion) is moot as you shall require no privacy. Then of course there is that eternal service and my guess is the crappy gospel musicians will be there to entertain the flock, I guess attendance of eternal service will be mandatory?
I hear they also have a glass portal to view the heathen toasting marsh mellows in the eternal BBQ. The problem here is that all memories are gonna be erased so that we shall not be aware if granny Sybil is the spit item entertainment of the day. Talk about zombies or how do they say, “God did not want robots so he gave us free will”. After 70+ years of servitude it does seem rather quizzical one is going to need to get the Men in Black mind wipe just so you can survive heaven, what is it, forever and ever (and then some). Perhaps the aroma ascending is not the prayers of the saints but rather our scorching flesh. Ol' YHWH really likes the smell of burning flesh, who can blame him BBQs give off awesome aromas especially when you have an "unclean pig" on the spit. Sizzle Sizzle...
One really has to wonder why heathen get resurrected with flesh and the believers get the mind wipe and robes that glow in the dark. Oops, it does not get dark there scratch the glow in the dark attribute.
This place called hell was invented by god just so he could send us there if we happened to use our noggins and came to the conclusion he is not real, pretty much like Santa and the Tooth Fairy, although, those two left evidence of their existence (even of it was your parents pulling a fast one on you)
So now all we have to do is call on Jesus and accept his plan for salvation and we get to avoid this sulphur pit.
Ooooh if it only was that simple.
Just like a Verimark TV ads there is "But wait, there's more..." So while we look back at the cross and see Jesus hanging there with a WT* expression on his face, seeing His "sacrifice" still didn't actually cover us entirely. The "But wait there's more..." is
THE secret to getting your ticket to heaven. This includes inter alia (that means "amongst other things", dontcha love legalese?) regular church attendance, tithing, church duties aka righteous works, regular bible reading and a lot of praying and working out your own salvation with fear and trembling. Yet we are saved by grace alone... but you also need works, no you don't, yes you do, no you don’t….
Confused yet?
But then you really are not saved until you have been baptised in water, “Dunk once or dunk thrice, that my dear Watson is the question” (forgive my Shakespear and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's crossover) Elementary ewlde chap, it is not (or "not it is" for Joda fans).
So now you are wet and saved, of course sprinkling like the Catholics do is not scriptural, after all Jesus was baptised in the river Jordan (but we really do not know if he was dunked or if a jug was used, of course that year’s summer rains may have been the determining factor all along) Anyway, you
should get wet and saved just to be sure...
Not so quick young grasshopper, you now need the baptism in the Holy Spirit, the evidence of which is incoherent babbling... *cough* I mean speaking in tongues, that is a language no one understands, sounds like incoherent babbling but is apparently very cool and means you now are able to talk to God in a language only he understands. But, but I thought god spoke in all languages...
So now you have the ticket to heaven. You get involved with church activities and instead of hitting the pub Friday nights; you attend the youth services just to demonstrate how dedicated you are. While the elders weigh up your performance in babblespeak err... I mean the gift of tongues of the angels, how much you cry and plead with god for forgiveness and confess what a wretched worm you are, these are the phun parts of the "But wait there is more" mentioned earlier.
Then you start to wonder just where this Jesus fits into the scheme of things. You rarely get to hear sermons of how Jesus loves you other than perhaps Easter time or if they are running a scam *cough* I mean evangelical outreaches to con *slap* I mean save the lost but mostly you hear stuff by this Paul dude had to say and I mean, his teaching really make sense......... After all he is soooo consistent... well so they try and convince you.
Jesus died to save all right?
Bzzzt...WRONG... EPIC PHAIL...
Not if you are gay and not in the skippidie doo da dey way Hmm.. mind you (nevermind) no gay, as in you can't help being attracted to folk with the same plumbing as you. Noooo grasshopper, if you are like this then Satan has deceived you and... Oh yeah I forgot to tell you about Satan. Well in a nutshell he is god's go to bad guy or fall guy for all the bad stuff God cannot stop from happening. Just a tip, never ever say you do not believe in Satan. The folk will give you a pass on doubts about God or Jesus, but NEVER deny Satan, HE IS REAL.
Well, here is a dude that was apparently THE main dude and musician in heaven, not only was he a phenomenal angelic P&W leader of all the angels but he was also a musical instrument of sorts. Hard to visualize? Yeah it is. Anyway this dude called Lucifer (which BTW is just a bad translation and a deliberate dig by some bishop waaay back when when they invented Latin against some other bishop, well that is one of the stories...) Anyways, this Lucifer dude, an Arch angel decides he is like sooo not appreciated and decides to tell God that his terms of service and employment, hierarchical status and working conditions just do not measure up to his god given talent ('scuse the poetic license here) and goes and tells god what for. This really pisses God off big time and he sics his other two Arch angels Gabriel and Michael on Lucifer. All hell breaks loose in heaven and Lucifier is not only kicked out of heaven, he gets a new name Satan. (Actually that too is a mistranslation as the original Hebrew it is Sawtawn or Sawtan and the translators simply made the Ws silent - cool huh? The Hebrew words actually mean adversary)
Anyways, moving on; Luci now grows a tail and morphs into a dragon and manages to grab/sweep with his tale *cough* I mean tail one third of the lesser angels in heaven as he is cast out. All this because he had a real bad performance appraisal, threw some of his toys out the cot he is banished to a lowly planet called earth.
Keeping his rank and serial number, he now becomes the ruler of this planet. He sets out to create havoc on the earth and some of his horny cohorts start mating with daughters of men - that would be women in layman's terms creating a new race called nephilim. These are giants at least 8 feet tall but that's another story.
Now Satan is said to be very active doing dastardly things yet only makes an (error in translation) appearance 3 to 5 times in the Olde part of the bible, you know the part that Christians should not read except when they are hating on the gays or waiting to get raptured. Got it?
Oh Luci aka Satan makes a cameo appearance in one of the episodes of the Jesus story trying to tempt Jesus for 40 days and nights (always amazes me the nights to be emphasised, I mean we all know a day is 24 hours right? WRONG Grasshopper, the Jews had some real strange customs, most of the world knew the day started at sunrise, ended at sunset and then there was that dark period where most folk slept. Not the Jews, their day began at night and ended the following night, I guess they did not get the memo. Maybe they were all into astronomy aka star gazing) Where was I...
Oh yes, this Satan character who also can appear as an angel of light seems to be able to shape shift into any form. Despite the fact that Jesus apparently defeated him by being crucified, he just won't quit. He really has it in for the humans, that is us BTW and god apparently created us too but somehow fell asleep at the assembly line and we are now all defective with a thing called Original Sin™. What’s that you ask? Oh you really are gonna love this tidbit.
See, there were these first two humans God created called Adam and EVE (not Steve for them gay folk) and they are placed in this awesome garden called Eden. The really cool thing is they were both naked. As the story goes, there was this tree. They were allowed to eat of any of the tree’s berries or whatever their fruits were, (vegan only folk) and then God plants this other tree slap bang in the middle of the garden. It too has fruit and they are not allowed to partake of this or else they will die. Remember Satan? Well he makes a cameo appearance here too.
While Adam is occupied with something else (one can only guess what he was up to) Satan appears to Eve as a talking snake. Now we all know that snakes do not have vocal chords so this must have been some cool ventriloquist act that would put Jeff Dunham to shame (y'all know who Jeff Dunham is I assume) Anyways, Jeff... I mean Satan aka the snake aka the dragon; with all these wardrobe changes it is hard to keep track. He convinces Eve (not Steve) that the fruit is actually quite delicious and if she eats it she will become as clever as god; talk about holding a grudge... So Eve takes a bite and nothing happens, she is after all a woman but she does notice she is still alive, yeah just priming you for the sexual discrimination bits that will follow... She wanders off to interrupt Adam (I mean a naked girl in a paradise and he finds something else to do, hmmm I wonder if he was inventing something else...) aaand she says hey dude taste this and suddenly he has an Ah Ha moment and they both suddenly realise they are naked - Well Doh, no clothes different plumbing.. well the story says their eyes were opened and ironically they are still very much alive. All of a sudden there came this loud booming voice from heaven... no wait that comes later.
Anyway, because they ate of the forbidden tree, their one and only commandment and without knowing right from wrong in the first place, well that in a nutshell is where Original Sin™ comes from simple huh?
Oh and for making the snake talk to Eve, the snake loses it legs and has to forever now crawl on the earth. Rule No. 1 "Don’t **** God off" Rule No. 2 "See rule No. 1"
OK that covers the Curriculum Vitae of Luci aka Satan aka the devil aka the dragon and aka the beast. So where were we before this digression? (Don't worry, the bible stories are all told this way, it is called bible hop scotch and really is fun paging backwards and forwards. It helps to "know" the order of bible books as you really look like an idiot if you use the index. The index is printed merely out of tradition something from the publisher’s insistence (I think) and you are not supposed to use it, that is why god gave you a brain, so please use it and memorise the names and order of books. Oh, if you're Catholic, there are more books in your bible but no one expects you or Protestants to actually read the bible. A pack of neon highlighter helps to create the impression that you read the bible often, it also helps to colour code the lies *cough* I mean pertinent scriptures and this colour code comes in useful when playing the game of Cherry Picking that you will be taught later.
OK, in the last episode, you got baptised, in water and with the Holy Spirit and learned to really suck up to God and to impress the elders so you should be saved by now right?
Bzzzzt WRONG...
See if you do the same thing that Adam and Eve did, Oh I forgot to tell you once you get saved that really pisses Satan off and he is out to get you every chance he gets but you are not saved unless you rinse repeat and recycle all the sucking up and works otherwise you are not a True Christian™ and you are not really saved. Just one slip up like looking at Fred *slap* I mean Fredrika with any lustful thoughts like how she would look without clothes on - well if you happen to walk outside of the church and get hit by a bus (that always seems to appear as church services end) and you have not repented, grovelling like a snake....Hmmm that does not sound right… well you get the idea, the bus hits you and you are toast, you are on your way to hell. I wonder if it is Bus No 666 and why oh why do folk not look both ways before crossing the street? Maybe it is just that vision you had and it distracts you. Oh well.
They will hold a fine Christian funeral and tell everyone you are in a better place (like being dead in a box is real appealing). Folk like to lie to each other for some reason but remember unless you grovelled and confessed that lustful thought about Freda (see you cannot even remember her name), the place you're really at is really hot and smelly. (Then again that could just be the box you are in and your rotting corpse)
Now if the bus missed you…
You can ask for forgiveness and all is well (well till next time) “But wait there is moar.....
There is this thing called the gifts of the Holy Spirit. Now usually gifts are free with no strings attached right. Not these gifts dude(tte) You have to be sanctified and holy (usually that means a heap load of grovelling and self-loathing) and then if you really ask God nicely and pester him till he capitulates (Imagine “Oh shaddup already”) then you may get one of nine gifts. The gift of babble speak… I mean speaking in angelic tongues is not really considered a gift but a sign to unbelievers that you're stark raving mad *cough* I mean sanctified and saved and that your belief is real based on
(it’s a mystery so I cannot tell you) but tongues is listed ninth on the list just in case nothing else ever happens. Just how the other eight gifts are supposed to work is one of those mystery thingies too but one of them is discernment (usually the ones that have this gift are for some reason the busy bodies and gossipers). Others include prophesy, word of wisdom, word of knowledge, interpretation of babble speak - I mean tongues.
So it is real cool if you have some or all of these gifts (mileage may vary)
So now you should be saved right?
Bzzzzt WRONG!
Well it appears those gifts are not really that special but they will make you feel guilty if you do not at least have one of them and will teach you how important they are and how it makes your walk with the Lord that much easier; which is
a blatant lie. NOTHING is supposed to make it easier; you think Jesus died for nothing - huh?
“OK what do I need to do?” I hear you ask. Just after the bits on the gifts, the very next chapter in fact they are made null and void and LOVE is what it is all about.
Well dang Bubba, why did you not tell me in the first place?
Aaaah but it is not no simple young grasshopper, there are different types of LOVE. There is Agape Love (yeah you now have to learn some Greek and Latin words too, to sound intelligent of course) Fellatio love (sounds kinky) and a few others. You MUST become a skilled practitioner in ALL of these loves but the most important is Agape LOVE, you know the love Jesus had when he died on the cross to save the world and whose "free gift" you simply need receive?
THAT LOVE. Well
THAT LOVE implies suffering for Jesus. (Seems his suffering did not appease his angry Old Testament daddy who also happens to be himself.) You will be tested tempted and you MUST overcome (by the Blood of the Lamb of course)
So I do all of this and I am saved?
Yeah but watch but for buses after church and don't even think of Sue Ellen you mental polygamist.
Oh wait there's that loving your neighbour thingy they hardly talk about in church - I think that only applies to the neighbours that go to the same church as you and not the other 29,999 other deluded, wayward heretic churches and especially not Gays, never love Gays, that is an unforgivable sin, not sure about lesbians though, maybe it is because that is hot and kinky... I think it is still OK to love lesbians.
Really that is all one has to do to be saved but I am sure there are some key things I may have missed. Sometimes it gets really hard to keep up with all the revisions of faith so just do what everyone else does, make up your own version; one more won’t really be noticed or frowned upon.
All this and you
will make it to heaven.
Oh, and if your pastor does not preach on the horrors of hell at least 4 times a year, find another church that does it frequently, only those churches are bible based churches.