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I found with my 95 year old mom that a simple adjustment of medications can make the world of difference. She was getting very loopy and starting to try to "escape" from the house during the wee hours. When I took her for her checkup I mentioned this to the doctor and he adjusted her bp meds and took her off most of the others, then gave her a prescription for a wonderful new dementia drug. She is lucid most of the time and we all sleep much better. He should go in for a complete blood panel and maybe the doctor can help guide you. This is a hard passage and I wish you the best.
Reading the above stories of how to meddle successfully, I am so glad that I have no children or siblings.
Concise and well-expressed, the above is one point of view. Here's another: Suppose an elderly person who subbornly continues to drive is clearly a danger to others? And suppose that person maims or kills a child in a crosswalk? How would you feel if you had been in a position to force the elderly person to give up driving?
Or suppose the elderly person is someone you care about, say a parent, and that person is no longer capable of preparing food so is not eating, or hardly eating. Could you stand by and just watch? That would be pretty difficult.
Reading the above stories of how to meddle successfully, I am so glad that I have no children or siblings.
My husband and I feel the same way and I think most people do. We want to remain independent and free from state/family intervention. Sometimes situations can't be ignored like they were at the turn of the century. I am sure some well intentioned neighbor will try to feed you in the future. But I certainly respect your decisions to remain independent.
Been there twice! First during a regular check up with MD have him evaluated by way of testing for dementia. Secondly, there are meds, aricept and namenda to name two that have helped not all but many dementia Patients. Thirdly do not take his control of his life away!
BTW we take sponge baths, keep the air/heat off, use less water, wash our own dishes...to save $$! So I see that as "normal"
At this point we have our Mom living at her home with someone from the family with her 24hours a day. This is a daily challange. She did this for us for many many years we feel we owe her that.
With a very dear aunt who passed in 1999, we assisted her in every way we could, she never married and had no children. Her dementia got bad enough to move her from assisted living, where she was found outside unable to get back into the building during below zero MI winter to adult senior care. A home for hospice and dementia people who needed 24 hour care for their own safety. It had 6 residents and was $1500 less per month. There was a daily routine that helped my aunt so much she just loved living there.
Good luck. But please respect him enough to be honest and have his control and dignity.
Reading the above stories of how to meddle successfully, I am so glad that I have no children or siblings.
Your post is one of the most insulting I have had the misfortune to read on CD. I, too, am happy for you that you have no children or siblings. You wouldn't know how to appreciate them if you had them. The aging of America has resulted in about 6 million Americans age 85 or older in 2010 - twice as many as in 1990. I don't know what age you are, but watching my own parents go through this, allow me to put to rest the myth that these are "the golden years". They are not. There is nothing graceful about age. It is an increased breakdown/stress on the shell you call your body. It is decreased freedom as your ability to move freely and with agility severely lessens. Your ability to operate a motor vehicle becomes questionable. Stairs can be a severe challenge. Memory does not just become an issue of forgetting someone's name but rather "I'm sure I deposited that check/I was sure I paid that bill/What is that fridge door doing open/etc". It becomes a matter of personal safety.
And while those naps above are common in elderly people, they can be confusing to them too once they are jarred awake (for all you caregivers, I strongly recommend that you place a LARGE digital clock in the main room used which displays not only the time, but AM or PM, the day of the week and the date - it really does help).
There are a lot of us out there, Happy in Wyoming, who would have been DEE-lighted not to have to "meddle" in the affairs of our loved ones. Trust me when I tell you that I could have lived a MILLION lifetimes without ever needing to cradle my Mom's head in my lap, as she lay confused and frightened on the floor, again. Trust me when I tell you that I had NO intention of taking over my parent's finances but after seeing the amount of late notices and almost having them lose their house insurance after non-payment, it became MY problem. By taking it over, I was able to ensure they got to stay in their own house.
What the OP describes above is happening every day to God knows how many people in this country. My heart goes out to her since her journey with her FIL is just beginning. And yes, they ARE a generation of stubborn people who do not want to see doctors, who feel they can do it all alone. The fact is they can't. Not physically - and in some cases - not mentally. His urge to save money on electricity is irrational. I can talk my Dad out of those nutsy notions because I quit a JOB to make my parents my job. The OP and her husband don't have that option.
Your comment is a glib one and I'm sure you chuckled at your own wit. For those of us in the position of seeing our parents or loved ones in a fragile and helpless situation, your comment is a slap in the face. To be put in a position where you so radically have to shift your relationship from child/parent to parent/child is awful. For all parties involved. It is painful to the caregiver and it is demeaning and diminishing to the elderly loved one.
During this private visit with her, my husband and I learned the following:
1- Personal hygiene - he refuses to turn on the hot water and take a shower. Says it wastes water. Says he rinses off. (Our daughter noticed he smelled at Thanksgiving but we brushed it off).
2- His behavior has changed. He keeps the house almost dark all the time, won't let his sister use dishwasher (she boils the water and does it that way) - says it uses too much electricity.
3- Turns air conditioning/heat totally off.
4- His electric bill was $40; landline phone was $100
5- She thinks he doesn't hear well (he says he's fine)
6- He takes 2 naps a day (after meals)
7- Not interested in his hobby any more
8- Won't let anyone in his home for repairs/cleaning
9- Some confusion from time to time (he says no, he's fine)
10- He has started to rent old VHS tapes (they cost 50 cents) and he watches these movies all day long. He now has 400 of them. For a guy that used to beat my husband if he caught him watching TV, he sure has changed!
My Mom is 90 and still lives on her own. Although she's still doing fine, I bugged her doctor years ago for things to watch for. Basically he said
Significant weight loss
Loss of memory
Unhygienic conditions, declining personal hygiene
Lack of judgment
Frequent minor accidents (vehicle or self)
Household bills piling up
Reluctance to leave the house
Losing interest in preparing/eating meals
Decline in driving skills
Signs of scorched pots and pans
Symptoms of depression
Missed doctors’ appointments and social engagements
Unkempt house
Losing track of medications
Let me add here, in case it is helpful to anyone, that many elderly have an irrational (but real) fear of fires. Many, including my late mother, are so frightened of electrical shorts leading to fires that they unplug everything at night and refuse to run an air conditioner even in oppressive weather (not so much the furnace, though). They are also fearful of break-ins, so they keep their windows shut and locked. Without air conditioning in hot weather , they can suffer heat stroke and actually collapse and not be found for days. This was an unending nightmare for me and my siblings as we arrived at her house to find it locked tight, to the point we couldn't get in (we all had keys, but she kept her storm doors in all year round and locked those doors with a manual lock).
The main source of danger is their cooking by themselves. They seem to insist on using the stove (despite their fear of fire). NOT a good idea, whether it's electric or gas. They are typically frail and hunched over the front burners, sometimes in highly flammable nightclothes. Or they reach for the back burner, with a dangling sleeve. Oh the visions we had. When we observed her as she cooked we realized she could easily have a catastrophe. Since she refused to move out of her home, we took a big roll of duct tape and wound it all around the stove and oven door, and taped up the burner knobs, plus of course unplugged the stove (we should have cut off the plug, we weren't thinking straight). We then bought her a little toaster oven to do all her cooking, which consisted of heating up pre-prepared meals (by us, or frozen meals). One day we went to check on her and found she had untaped and plugged in the stove and was cooking again!
That was just one of many battles. The final straw was her falling asleep upright in a metal chair while she watched TV, and left the stove on heating up something. Thank god my sister arrived to pick up her laundry. She fell out of that same chair and gashed her hand, bleeding all over the place. Again, my sister's timely arrival. She refused to wear that personal safety alarm we bought for her (good to try, though).
The perils are many, not to mention the very real possibility that elderly persons living alone are prey to those casing the joint for break-ins. How could they defend themselves if this happened? (she actually did have a break-in while she was visiting one of us, the thieves took a lot).
I say go to the FIL, tell him you're taking him out to lunch, and never return to his place. He will have a fit but unless he is willing to agree to paid help, or go into asst living, there is no safe alternative,
I say go to the FIL, tell him you're taking him out to lunch, and never return to his place. He will have a fit but unless he is willing to agree to paid help, or go into asst living, there is no safe alternative,
Before trying something that extreme, I would want to check with a local lawyer who specializes in elder issues. You could find yourself charged with kidnapping. And if the parent is still fairly articulate and can make a good case (not necessarily an accurate case) for himself, it could be pretty dicey even if you are eventually cleared. Or perhaps consider telling the police ahead of time what you plan to do. This is not something to be undertaken lightly. Have a credible witness along, at minimum.
While I think he needs help ;the same conditions can be said with my households of younger people too ;so actaully forcing maybe a issue really.That is unless you want to go to court which may change the whole relationship.Hard choice;because even with authroities coming i he has that right to a hearing if he chooses which many don't realise.
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Point/counterpoint
