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Your post is one of the most insulting I have had the misfortune to read on CD. I, too, am happy for you that you have no children or siblings. You wouldn't know how to appreciate them if you had them. The aging of America has resulted in about 6 million Americans age 85 or older in 2010 - twice as many as in 1990. I don't know what age you are, but watching my own parents go through this, allow me to put to rest the myth that these are "the golden years". They are not. There is nothing graceful about age. It is an increased breakdown/stress on the shell you call your body. It is decreased freedom as your ability to move freely and with agility severely lessens. Your ability to operate a motor vehicle becomes questionable. Stairs can be a severe challenge. Memory does not just become an issue of forgetting someone's name but rather "I'm sure I deposited that check/I was sure I paid that bill/What is that fridge door doing open/etc". It becomes a matter of personal safety.
And while those naps above are common in elderly people, they can be confusing to them too once they are jarred awake (for all you caregivers, I strongly recommend that you place a LARGE digital clock in the main room used which displays not only the time, but AM or PM, the day of the week and the date - it really does help).
There are a lot of us out there, Happy in Wyoming, who would have been DEE-lighted not to have to "meddle" in the affairs of our loved ones. Trust me when I tell you that I could have lived a MILLION lifetimes without ever needing to cradle my Mom's head in my lap, as she lay confused and frightened on the floor, again. Trust me when I tell you that I had NO intention of taking over my parent's finances but after seeing the amount of late notices and almost having them lose their house insurance after non-payment, it became MY problem. By taking it over, I was able to ensure they got to stay in their own house.
What the OP describes above is happening every day to God knows how many people in this country. My heart goes out to her since her journey with her FIL is just beginning. And yes, they ARE a generation of stubborn people who do not want to see doctors, who feel they can do it all alone. The fact is they can't. Not physically - and in some cases - not mentally. His urge to save money on electricity is irrational. I can talk my Dad out of those nutsy notions because I quit a JOB to make my parents my job. The OP and her husband don't have that option.
Your comment is a glib one and I'm sure you chuckled at your own wit. For those of us in the position of seeing our parents or loved ones in a fragile and helpless situation, your comment is a slap in the face. To be put in a position where you so radically have to shift your relationship from child/parent to parent/child is awful. For all parties involved. It is painful to the caregiver and it is demeaning and diminishing to the elderly loved one.
What she said. It's usually not by choice that one is meddling and it is CERTAINLY not any fun to take care of an elderly parent. Actually, it quite drains all your energy, leaving little left for anyone else - including yourself.
Your post is one of the most insulting I have had the misfortune to read on CD. I, too, am happy for you that you have no children or siblings. You wouldn't know how to appreciate them if you had them. The aging of America has resulted in about 6 million Americans age 85 or older in 2010 - twice as many as in 1990. I don't know what age you are, but watching my own parents go through this, allow me to put to rest the myth that these are "the golden years". They are not. There is nothing graceful about age. It is an increased breakdown/stress on the shell you call your body. It is decreased freedom as your ability to move freely and with agility severely lessens. Your ability to operate a motor vehicle becomes questionable. Stairs can be a severe challenge. Memory does not just become an issue of forgetting someone's name but rather "I'm sure I deposited that check/I was sure I paid that bill/What is that fridge door doing open/etc". It becomes a matter of personal safety.
And while those naps above are common in elderly people, they can be confusing to them too once they are jarred awake (for all you caregivers, I strongly recommend that you place a LARGE digital clock in the main room used which displays not only the time, but AM or PM, the day of the week and the date - it really does help).
There are a lot of us out there, Happy in Wyoming, who would have been DEE-lighted not to have to "meddle" in the affairs of our loved ones. Trust me when I tell you that I could have lived a MILLION lifetimes without ever needing to cradle my Mom's head in my lap, as she lay confused and frightened on the floor, again. Trust me when I tell you that I had NO intention of taking over my parent's finances but after seeing the amount of late notices and almost having them lose their house insurance after non-payment, it became MY problem. By taking it over, I was able to ensure they got to stay in their own house.
What the OP describes above is happening every day to God knows how many people in this country. My heart goes out to her since her journey with her FIL is just beginning. And yes, they ARE a generation of stubborn people who do not want to see doctors, who feel they can do it all alone. The fact is they can't. Not physically - and in some cases - not mentally. His urge to save money on electricity is irrational. I can talk my Dad out of those nutsy notions because I quit a JOB to make my parents my job. The OP and her husband don't have that option.
Your comment is a glib one and I'm sure you chuckled at your own wit. For those of us in the position of seeing our parents or loved ones in a fragile and helpless situation, your comment is a slap in the face. To be put in a position where you so radically have to shift your relationship from child/parent to parent/child is awful. For all parties involved. It is painful to the caregiver and it is demeaning and diminishing to the elderly loved one.
Amen. The job is even harder when you are the only child or if the siblings won't or can't help out from time to time. Thank God for my daughters who do give me a little break now and then in spite of having their own careers and family life to deal with.
This is a struggle which my wife is having with her parents. Her mother is 82 and morbidly obese. Her father is 91 and although his mind is pretty well gone, his body is in the shape of a 75 year old man. The father cannot really live on his own, and the wife really doesn't take care of him.
They refuse to move, and the wife(her mother) is still lucid enough and together enough that they cannot forcibly move them into any center.
Probably when the mother dies, then they will be forced to move the father, and then regardless of his physical health he will probably go fast.
My own dad died fairly quickly after a stroke. My mother is in a facility, also in great medical shape but losing her thinking skills.
Its a very difficult circumstance. I hope I go quickly.
I'm asking this question very sincerely...how would you go about getting someone out of their house if they just refuse to go... would they have to be medicated somehow and then have someone take them out?
I have been taking care of my schizophrenic Mom for 14 years now and 10 were with no meds. Silly me, got her onto meds and have signed up to be a senior caregiver. It's ok, there isn't much disparity. I moved my Mom in with me after 30 years of no meds, so? We all have our "things" and they might be a little off as we get older. I specialize in elders with alzheimers or advanced aging issues. Life is a big cycle and you are therefore part of it. People take care of you, wipe your butts, and make yo happy in a "way that that works for you". Life comes FULL CIRCLE. If you love your family, you accept that fact and know one day it might be you. Do your best and act honestly in the other persons best interest. It will be the hardest thing you have ever done, but you will have peace. That my friend, can take you forever...........
I've been through this too and it's never an easy road to walk. He wants to hold on to his independence as long as possible and he is trying to 'hide' his deficits. And I would bet you only know the tip of the iceberg. He knows you are a threat, albeit, a loving one. He is on his best behavior when you are around.
OK, so we know this sounds like dementia. However, depression could also account for his symptoms. Has he been checked out medically? Had neurological testing? This should be done asap. Find out what you are most likely dealing with and get some real medical advice. Even if it is most likely dementia, something like Aricept could really help. And you may need real medical documentation down the road.
Legally, if he knows who he is, where he is, and who is president, he is pretty much competent. I went through this with my father. If he is competent, you can't just take over and make decisions for him. You will just have to wait for the disaster to happen. It will happen, just a matter of when. Post disaster, he will be scared and willing to make changes in his living arrangements.
Until that time, you can only do what you can do. Maybe you could sign him up for Meals on Wheels. That would at least give him a wellness check every day.
I'm asking this question very sincerely...how would you go about getting someone out of their house if they just refuse to go... would they have to be medicated somehow and then have someone take them out?
I believe that a rag soaked in Chloroform is traditional. Do a search with the terms robbery and kidnapping.
Now someone will say that money has nothing to do with this thread.
Some of the assisted living places near us are truly very nice and he can afford it.
We're fine with him staying in his home, however, the conditions are poor as to the cleanliness and he REFUSES to have anyone enter the home except us.
He LETS my husband cut his grass and watches him do it.
It just makes me so sad that he is going to be living like this.
His sister has told us she will NOT return unless he changes his ways and I do not blame her. Even her daughter agrees.
I think my husband feels - well, let him eat his crappy 30 day old food, sleep on dirty sheets, etc. Ugh! It just grosses me out; I can't even walk in the house - it smells anyway but now I know more details!!
I think his sister's side of the family is also just throwing up their hands and giving up. They've been involved for almost 8 years and it's affecting their lives as well and they're in Pittsburgh.
I'm not one who checks for dust everywhere but I clean our home and if it gets to be too much, I get help and that $80 is so well spent.
After reading your comments above I feel more convinced that he is well past family help. He needs professional supervision. Annie said be careful of calling in the authorities, but really, what do you have to lose at this point?? Better the authorities take care of him than you beating your head against a wall. At least he would be put into a safe environment with fresher food, etc. I think in your case I would give in. Which is what we did with our mother,,,but she was onto us and promptly left the planet.
What she said. It's usually not by choice that one is meddling and it is CERTAINLY not any fun to take care of an elderly parent. Actually, it quite drains all your energy, leaving little left for anyone else - including yourself.
The problem with my FIL is that he had/has no friends. Nada. Eccentric.
Elderly people often push their friends away. They are depressed. They don't want to see their elderly friends on their last leg, in some deplorable condition. They see this condition in themselves and it horrifies them. So many times my sisters and I would offer to drive our mother to see a friend for an afternoon ("we'll drop you off and come get you, we'll get a coffeecake to bring," etc) but toward the end, all her remaining (alive) friends were either in nursing homes or in some condition like with oxygen, etc. It infuriated us that she didn't want to be there for them, we thought that friendship is supposed ot include hard times too. We could not understand why she would even refuse to see elderly family members. Let's be honest, end of life is nothing to look forward to. The last generation were fighters to the end and hated to see their faculties diminished in themselves and their friends.
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