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Let me take a stab at an answer. You feel like crying because one major phase of your life is coming to an end - that of living with your son. In a few more months he will be living somewhere else, and that will probably remain true for the rest of your life, although there are exceptions to that, of course. Therefore you are mourning a loss, the loss of your child who can never be a child again but will be an adult. And reading this thread did not make it any easier by reminding you that there is that somewhat remote possibility that the two of you could become estranged.
Somewhat remote? Why do I say that? Well, despite the fact that it is a lot more common than many people think - just witness the outpouring of stories in this thread - most parents and children do not become estranged from each other.
How do you know what MOST families do or don't do? After reading this thread and thinking about people I know, I am concluding that far more families have estrangements that I previously believed. Since people don't go around talking about how dysfunctional their families are, normally, and create the pretense that "all is well," I think it is deceiving how much pain there is "out there" amongst family members who have allowed themselves to become estranged.
And I personally do feel pride is involved in the inability to forgive.
I have had what I consider major betrayals by many family members and have forgiven a great deal (don't hold a grudge as much as is humanly possible).
I think of some people I know who are still estranged (just talked to one yesterday) and they are fanning the fires of why they are "right" and the other person is "wrong" - how they are superior . . . you can see that holding onto resentment makes it impossible to let go and give the other person the benefit of the doubt.
In my case, like most everyone else I can think of who thinks about these things, I think I am "right" and that the other people horribly betrayed me - but they have their own experiences and stories about me - I am not perfect - I just think I am from my biased point-of-view. I would probably cringe if I could really see myself the way they have seen me. I don't get into all of that self-hate and judgment - but I do realize that they had their reasons (however unaware or misguided I might have thought they were) and in the end, I forgive them because if nothing else ". . . they know not what they do." They were unaware - I don't think most people set out to deliberately destroy others - it just happens through unconsciousness.
I approach this thread from a different perspective: being married to a man whose entire family disowned him at 18 because I was his girlfriend. He was disowned because he chose someone his parents didn't like.
I met my future husband when we were both 16. We fell in love and 31 years later we are still together and married for 22 years. His parents didn't like me. They were very wealthy and horribly controlling. When my BF was 18, he came home and saw all his personal belongings thrown on the lawn. A note read, "You chose your GF, you are now disinherited. We no longer know you."
He attempted to enter the house and his parents had changed the locks. He turned, drove to my parents house, where they converted our garage for him to live in.
Think about that. He was an 18 year old kid. And I was his GF, a decent girl who went to to become a Professor of History. No criminal record, no drugs or misconduct. And he was an Eagle Scout and the sweetest, most G-rated son you could ever have as a child.
That was 30 years ago and he has seen his parents twice since then. They never call or write. His father died last year and we found out about it from the Internet. They still carry on their war against us. He had three brothers who never spoke to him after he was kicked out. His misfortune meant the millions his parents have will be divided 3 ways instead of 4.
So I always wonder why children are estranged from their folks. It is not always the child's fault. I know this from personal experience.
I approach this thread from a different perspective: being married to a man whose entire family disowned him at 18 because I was his girlfriend. He was disowned because he chose someone his parents didn't like.
I met my future husband when we were both 16. We fell in love and 31 years later we are still together and married for 22 years. His parents didn't like me. They were very wealthy and horribly controlling. When my BF was 18, he came home and saw all his personal belongings thrown on the lawn. A note read, "You chose your GF, you are now disinherited. We no longer know you."
He attempted to enter the house and his parents had changed the locks. He turned, drove to my parents house, where they converted our garage for him to live in.
Think about that. He was an 18 year old kid. And I was his GF, a decent girl who went to to become a Professor of History. No criminal record, no drugs or misconduct. And he was an Eagle Scout and the sweetest, most G-rated son you could ever have as a child.
That was 30 years ago and he has seen his parents twice since then. They never call or write. His father died last year and we found out about it from the Internet. They still carry on their war against us. He had three brothers who never spoke to him after he was kicked out. His misfortune meant the millions his parents have will be divided 3 ways instead of 4.
So I always wonder why children are estranged from their folks. It is not always the child's fault. I know this from personal experience.
Their reaction seems a little severe for having no reason. What did they say their objection was? Were they normally that hysterical about things?
Thanks for this thread. I am in a strained/semi-estranged relationship with my only biological child who is now 38 years old. Maybe I will jump in with the details later. But it is healing to read the posts here. I have often wondered, when we move from this area and settle someplace as retirees if I just never mention him to anyone and say I have no children. I have been concerned that anyone who learned I had a son and granddaughter who I don't spend time with would view me as a bad person when that is simply not true.
I'd be honest about it - then stand back and listen to them tell you about their problem child/ren. That's what happened in my case, except the stories were far, far worse than mine.
It's epidemic these days, all part of the X/Y generation dynamic.
Don't carry the shame! And don't let anyone shame you! So, so many good people are going through this. Don't also forget our kids use drugs like no other generation before them - it has to have some effect on their brains.
Their reaction seems a little severe for having no reason. What did they say their objection was? Were they normally that hysterical about things?
You do realise that mentally ill people have kids too, right?
That narcissicts and sociopaths and BPD sufferers and hypocrites and a55hats all breed, and all get to raise their children exactly how they want as long as no bruises show?
Their reaction seems a little severe because, clearly, they were severe people. And dysfunctional as hell, to boot. The boy was a product of that environment, not the cause of it!!!!!
I approach this thread from a different perspective: being married to a man whose entire family disowned him at 18 because I was his girlfriend. He was disowned because he chose someone his parents didn't like.
I met my future husband when we were both 16. We fell in love and 31 years later we are still together and married for 22 years. His parents didn't like me. They were very wealthy and horribly controlling. When my BF was 18, he came home and saw all his personal belongings thrown on the lawn. A note read, "You chose your GF, you are now disinherited. We no longer know you."
He attempted to enter the house and his parents had changed the locks. He turned, drove to my parents house, where they converted our garage for him to live in.
Think about that. He was an 18 year old kid. And I was his GF, a decent girl who went to to become a Professor of History. No criminal record, no drugs or misconduct. And he was an Eagle Scout and the sweetest, most G-rated son you could ever have as a child.
That was 30 years ago and he has seen his parents twice since then. They never call or write. His father died last year and we found out about it from the Internet. They still carry on their war against us. He had three brothers who never spoke to him after he was kicked out. His misfortune meant the millions his parents have will be divided 3 ways instead of 4.
So I always wonder why children are estranged from their folks. It is not always the child's fault. I know this from personal experience.
My mother did the same thing.
Some people are a55holes. You can't choose who brings you into the world, unfortunately...but you can bid them adieu at the very first opportunity.
Boy, howdy! Distancing ourselves from the constant drama, both geographically and emotionally, has been wonderful.
When we got married, I had these visions of my new large family gathered around the table for holiday dinners, and gorgeous family photos (you know those photos --like the Kennedys at Hyannisport, lol). But we could never have everyone together for even a few hours without the bickering b/n sibs and often, the melt downs (bipolar daughter who wouldn't take her meds), petty jealousies and one upsmanship on part of oldest son.
My stepkids did have the insight to sit down with me one evening and tell me, as a group, how much they appreciated all I did to make their time together special, but the bottom line was: holidays had always been rather miserable b/c their mom had so much trouble coping--and to have me breeze in and make it all look so easy and seamless only emphasized their sorrow over their mother's inability to have given them those type of memories. And it made them uneasy and sad instead of appreciative and happy.
Plus, enjoying the get togethers made them feel disloyal to their mom, and guilty for resenting her inability to consistently be engaged with them as their mom.
I understood that. But it was demoralizing to know that it really didn't matter how hard i tried to do special things for them, my efforts would never mean much and instead just stirred up resentment over the past.
So I have to say, I would support hubby in any way if he decided he wanted to work on reconnecting with his kids, but if he doesn't, I am inclined to let sleeping dogs lay, as it were!!!!
When we got married, I had these visions of my new large family gathered around the table for holiday dinners, and gorgeous family photos (you know those photos --like the Kennedys at Hyannisport, lol). But we could never have everyone together for even a few hours without the bickering b/n sibs and often, the melt downs (bipolar daughter who wouldn't take her meds), petty jealousies and one upsmanship on part of oldest son.
My stepkids did have the insight to sit down with me one evening and tell me, as a group, how much they appreciated all I did to make their time together special, but the bottom line was: holidays had always been rather miserable b/c their mom had so much trouble coping--and to have me breeze in and make it all look so easy and seamless only emphasized their sorrow over their mother's inability to have given them those type of memories. And it made them uneasy and sad instead of appreciative and happy.
Plus, enjoying the get togethers made them feel disloyal to their mom, and guilty for resenting her inability to consistently be engaged with them as their mom.
I understood that. But it was demoralizing to know that it really didn't matter how hard i tried to do special things for them, my efforts would never mean much and instead just stirred up resentment over the past.
So I have to say, I would support hubby in any way if he decided he wanted to work on reconnecting with his kids, but if he doesn't, I am inclined to let sleeping dogs lay, as it were!!!!
This example exemplifies the fact that people are strange, and that every family is unique. I would have KILLED to have experienced fun holidays . . . it's hard to imagine that there would be people who would not appreciate trauma-free festivities - it seems counter-intuitive - who would have thought? There are so many divergent problems people have in this world . . . so many problems, so many personalities, so many variables and combinations.
You do realise that mentally ill people have kids too, right?
That narcissicts and sociopaths and BPD sufferers and hypocrites and a55hats all breed, and all get to raise their children exactly how they want as long as no bruises show?
Their reaction seems a little severe because, clearly, they were severe people. And dysfunctional as hell, to boot. The boy was a product of that environment, not the cause of it!!!!!
The person said the ENTIRE FAMILY was on board with it . . . not just one or two crazies . . .
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