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Congrats, Cubanchic, sounds like a great plan. Are you settled into the new place?
ani, perhaps some time hanging in the caregiving forums will help you. I have started already because I'm already feeling the stress and we're not even moved down where mom is yet.
It's funny, now that we do the shopping together if I have to go to town by myself it feels weird, like incomplete.
We still have. 10 years before hubby retires and me 15 but I work from home so we already have a plan for when this happens to us. Hubby goes to the gym now about four times a week and will most likely do so during the day and he also wants to go back to college and study economics and geo politics since he is fascinated by these subjects. He has also thought that he might want to be a substitute teacher or a tutor since he really does like helping kids and has done this in the past.
So for us until I retire which at the earliest would be five years after him, but more like ten since I am self employed I think we will be ok together.
For the Op and others is there anything that hubby wanted to do once they retired that maybe that can enjoy by themselves?
I wish he did have some hobbies!
I also keep hoping his better nature will prevail, but hasn't so far.
luvmyhoss have you tried marriage counseling? Maybe he needs to sit down with someone and discuss what's bothering him. He may be thinking about his own mortality and could be anxious. I see it all the time with my patients. Health issues often create very difficult times. It's much easier to project those negative emotions on the person closet to you then it is to grab the bull by the horn and face your demons. It helped us once when John went through some kind of midlife crises. The evil twin was unbearable. We were good for a couple of years until the evil twin took over again. I gave him a healthy dose of what life would be like if we lived without each other and that banished the evil win for good. You can't do that to someone who is sick. When he gets crabby give him a lolly and a hug instead.
our tasks are separate - i take care of our fiances and bills, we do the taxes together, frankly i don't know what he does all day, LOL. i will leave him grocery list to pick up, note to clean up the tools and mess after he fixed something, stickies in cabinets to stop buying anymore cereal :-) he will leave me reminders to get my oil change, inspection. we make our own lists for ourselves only his a long running one, mine are short and gone once done. and yes sometimes phone calls he needs to make do not get made and i pick up the phone and get it done. like he was supposed to move us from one cable company to another and he just couldn't get himself to do it and our bill got higher and i went on the internet and changed it in 15 mts. he also does not use the internet as much a as i do, uses the phone, which always takes longer.
we tell each other what to do all the time and annoy the hell out of each other.
LOL, that's a sympathetic laugh, because I know what you mean. As I've mentioned in earlier posts, I love my husband with all my heart and soul, and I know he feels the same about me, but some of the anecdotes I could mention about our life together- pre and post retirement might sound like I took them out of a Phyllis Diller book- I think she called her husband Fang, LOL. Some of what you post here sound so familiar- with their own versions happening in our house, and I'd bet lots of other houses too.
We've been married for 35 years, and I always knew that while he would sooner or later get to whatever I asked him to do ( unless, of course, he didn't want to do it, and then he'd dawdle it into oblivion), there's no way, no how could I ever get him to do anything until he was good and ready to do it. No amount of nagging, begging, pleading, or whatever would move him. Of course, if it was something he wanted to do, consider it done ASAP. I always referred to any "honey-do" lists I might come up with ( I didn't, usually because he ignored them) as his "round-tuit" lists- to be done sometime before the end days, and usually not by him but the chore fairy (that'd be me) who lives with us. He's a little better at it now that we're retired, but as he tells everyone, he's "retired, so should be able to do whatever he likes, including nothing if he wants to"- I'm retired too, after many years of working full time, and in fact I still have part-time contract work I do, so as I tell him, I'm waiting to see when I can be retired and do nothing too.
He always figured he'd help me with the chores, family, and other traditionally "wife" duties- but he'd pick and choose what they were. I do have to say that he was (and still is) a terrific father, and for me that went a very long way in that alleged division of chores- I never had to worry about kids when I had to work holidays/weekends or when they got sick. He did a super job. I used to laugh when he said he'd go grocery shopping, I had to provide him with two lists, one list for items we needed, and the other list for a 'DO NOT BUY AND I MEAN IT NO MATTER HOW GOOD A SALE IT'S ON WE HAVE ENOUGH TO CHOKE A HORSE" items. So he'd shop, bring the bags in, put them on the counter and I could do the rest.
Laundry. He said he'd do laundry. For him that meant he switched the clothes from the washer to the dryer, and stuffed the clothes from the dryer into a basket- sometimes he didn't wait till the clothes were completely dry before he did that, and he'd literally pack the partially wet clothes into the basket, set them aside for me to deal with. So for him to "do the laundry", I had to sort the clothes into whites, colors, darks and put them in baskets, deal with the partially wet clothes when he took them out of the dryer before they were completely dry, do any ironing that was involved, fold and put the clothes away.
Now that we're retired, I do the laundry, although when I pile the clean clothing on our bed, he will fold them and put his stuff away, so IMO that's an improvement.
I've done our finances for years, that was by mutual agreement when we got married, and I've never seen anyone so grateful as he was when I offered- he hates paying bills ( although he does pay a few) and keeping track of finances and he wasn't very good at it, so that's fine with me.
He does take care of maintaining our cars- meaning he takes them over the the mechanic or dealer for routine maintenance and in the event of problems, so that's good.
Lawn- when we first moved into our last house in Miami, it was a standoff as to who would mow the lawn. Hubby has allergies and asthma, and while they're real, he could become the worst drama queen ever when I asked him to do something like the lawn when he didn't want to. So a few times he put on a mask and gloves, mowed some of the lawn, and came into the house coughing and wheezing, acting like he was on his last legs- so how could I possibly ask him to do such a thing???? Meanie that I was. So, I took on that task, but we had small kids at the time, so I'd try to cut the lawn during naptimes on my days off work. Finally, after I begged for a while, we got a lawn service, and we've had that ever since. But I still do some of the outside maintenance, as hubby says he's too old and his body parts hurt when he does that- so do mine, but I take Aleve when I need to, and don't complain about it like he does. We have reached the point though, where my husband tells me we will pay others to do things like painting and other maintenance, as I've really reached the point where I can't safely do it anymore, so I guess that's an improvement too.
IMO this is a funny story, but talk about procrastination and it's consequences. We have wired in smoke detectors ( guess it's county building codes) in every room in our house. When the batteries in those smoke detectors are ready to be changed, the smoke detectors give off a high-pitched "chirp" every minute or so. Well, hubby's always changed those, but it's harder in this house because of the 10 foot ceilings. So, he dawdles when those go off, knowing they need to be changed by figuring he'll get to it before doomsday. He changed several that went off recently, but there was one that he must have put in a bad battery, because it started chirping again a couple weeks after he changed it. He let it go, so the stupid thing chirped day and night every few minutes or so. He finally changed it again, but not before our lovebird, and cockatiel learned that chirp and now both birds are chirping like that smoke detector in need of a battery change! Fortunately they sleep at night though, so we only hear their "smoke alarm" chirps during the day. I told my husband that's what he gets for procrastinating.
Location: Living near our Nation's Capitol since 2010
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Wow, this thread makes me happy that my partner and I have an unusual long distance relationship. Our home in Canada is 500 miles from our home in the States. We spend about 15 days a month together, the rest alone in our individual dwellings. So, when we DO see each other, we get along just great. I imagine some day we will have to face a full time existance. Heaven help us! He is opinionated (and I am not, of course! LOL) and he is a control freak (he is a physician...used to hero worship). Maybe we will have to agree to just live next door to one another LOL
Thank you for your wise words, sfcambridge. It is very much appreciated.
Yes, hubby is now under treatment for depression (as of Friday). I think when he gets into PT/Rehab, that will help as well.
Not sure how much of this may be underlying issues that have been below the surface for many years. I personally think counseling, whether as a couple or for him to learn some new/more effective coping skills would be beneficial. To me, a good therapist is never a bad idea when dealing with crises or life changes and hubby has experienced both recently: retirement (life change) and major surgery (health crisis).
Nice job anifani. You are doing all the right things. Time will tell.
One thing - the docs probably told you that it takes time for the anti-depressant to "kick in". Sometimes weeks/month or two. And often you need to increase the dose or sometimes change the medicine. So don't give up hope if things don't improve quickly. Also, seeking support/counseling for yourself can often help tremendously. As does a once a week glass of wine with a dear friend who lets you vent, without judgment..... if only we all had one of those!
These situations take time, and an incredible amount of patience and support on your part. I wish you well.
Nice job anifani. You are doing all the right things. Time will tell.
One thing - the docs probably told you that it takes time for the anti-depressant to "kick in". Sometimes weeks/month or two. And often you need to increase the dose or sometimes change the medicine. So don't give up hope if things don't improve quickly. Also, seeking support/counseling for yourself can often help tremendously. As does a once a week glass of wine with a dear friend who lets you vent, without judgment..... if only we all had one of those!
These situations take time, and an incredible amount of patience and support on your part. I wish you well.
Thank you for the support and good wishes. Yes, time will tell! And I especially like your advice about the wine and a dear friend. Sadly, had to cancel on brunch this morning with my "girlfriends" due to last minute project for a client. I think making time for my friends may be the best "medicine" I could find!
Thank you for your wise words, sfcambridge. It is very much appreciated.
Yes, hubby is now under treatment for depression (as of Friday). I think when he gets into PT/Rehab, that will help as well.
Not sure how much of this may be underlying issues that have been below the surface for many years. I personally think counseling, whether as a couple or for him to learn some new/more effective coping skills would be beneficial. To me, a good therapist is never a bad idea when dealing with crises or life changes and hubby has experienced both recently: retirement (life change) and major surgery (health crisis).
Sounds like you've got things moving in the right direction, Ani. And IMO, too, counseling might well be a good idea with everything you and your husband are dealing with. A counselor won't tell you anything you don't already know instinctively, but he/she can put in perspectives you may not have thought about.
That and the time, when you're able, for some good old fashioned visits with your girlfriends over lunch, to maintain some perspective in that regard..
Among my friends, I seem to be the lucky one. My husband retired young, at 55, and immediately started a hobby business.
It takes up far too much of his time, and our money, IMO, but it allows us to be very independent of each other. I make one meal a day, dinner. He's on his own the rest of the time. I take care of the house, he handles the yard and the cars.
If I could change one thing, I'd like him to stop working at the kitchen table. He has a perfectly good office, but likes to be close by I guess.
My friends are now dealing with recently retired spouses, and I see them rushing home to make lunch, always, always having to "check" before we make plans together, and generally wearing themselves out trying to placate bored husbands.
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I gave him a healthy dose of what life would be like if we lived without each other and that banished the evil win for good. You can't do that to someone who is sick. When he gets crabby give him a lolly and a hug instead.
