Now that you are both home, do you find you spouse telling you what to do all the time? (respect, engaged)
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I get this. Mine is the same way. He would starve rather than cook himself anything.
He put A dish in the dishwasher the other day, first time in 37 years. Only thing - it was not
Dishwasher safe.
He ll give me a to do list in the a.m. And don't you know he always asks if I did the one thing not
Accomplished
Those lists . . . I keep saying . . . I am not your minion!!! I don't mind being ASKED if I can do x, y, or z and dividing up some tasks, of course. But don't "assign" me a bunch of stuff on a list like you are my kindergarten teacher.
Those lists . . . I keep saying . . . I am not your minion!!! I don't mind being ASKED if I can do x, y, or z and dividing up some tasks, of course. But don't "assign" me a bunch of stuff on a list like you are my kindergarten teacher.
He just doesn't 'get' it.
Then I get 'the look' makes me feel like I'm back in school.
Tasks in the house aren't divided, only if I can't physically do them.
My Mother always said, "For better or worse, but not for lunch!"
I was still employed when the late hubs retired, and he passed away before I reached 65. The only person who gives me lists of Things To Do Today is me. Not sure if that's a good thing - or a bad thing. Sometimes the annoyance is what keeps the juices flowing.
We have in the past (and will again) had a wipe board on the kitchen wall with "tasks" that need completing. Just a general list with no assignments to either of us. When a task gets done, it gets wiped off. Sometimes we have our little games, like I wait to see how long it takes him to put a roll of tissue on the holder in the bathroom (it can sit on the canister wastebasket top for as long as 24 hrs, lol), and he sees how long it takes me to pick up my papers spread on the d.r. table so we can sit down to eat. We joke about it, it's no longer any issue. But there are a number of things I cannot physically do, so if he doesn't do these they don't get done. But he does. For every "task" on his side, there's one (or almost one) on mine. In some areas we don't cross over. Like bathrooms and washing floors. He's never done those but he does so much else I have no problem with it.
we both are list makers, his are just longer and undone, mine short and done :-) and i assign more jobs for him than he does for me.
what has become a problem for us now is the GPS. my husband will never leave home without it even if it is only to the store around the corner. i am exaggerating but only slightly. and he will not look at it and wants me to read the map and tell him what to do over and above the GPS lady. he will NOT let me drive when we go out together and will keep asking me which way now? and it is not always easy to say turn right or left because sometimes it is more complicated. he of course drives on his own and does fine, but together, it is becoming more awful by the day. and in the rare occasions when i wrangle the driver's seat away from him, he is a nervous wreck.
Yep. But it is a lot more than telling me to turn out the light (that one he would never mention as he doesn't know lights have OFF switches).
He was writing up a list of instructions for what I was to accomplish daily.
If you can imagine . . .
And remember, I still work from home.
Operative word: "was" . . . I took that list and shredded it and told him to go hire a secretary, housekeeper, nurse and landscaper, lol.
He also gave me a schedule of when he wanted his food plated and on the table. Oh yes. He did that. He also made out a weekly menu of what he wanted, as in . . . every Monday is chicken night, every Tuesday is spaghetti and sauce night, every Wed. is pork chop night, etc.
He also said if I didn't comply, he was going to embarrass me in front of my parents and my children.
As if I would be embarrassed about not being a Stepford Wife, lolololol.
Sounds like you two should have communicated about expectations before getting married. Perhaps you deserve each other. I thank God I wasn't foolish enough to marry a woman that would treat me that way.
we both are list makers, his are just longer and undone, mine short and done :-) and i assign more jobs for him than he does for me.
what has become a problem for us now is the GPS. my husband will never leave home without it even if it is only to the store around the corner. i am exaggerating but only slightly. and he will not look at it and wants me to read the map and tell him what to do over and above the GPS lady. he will NOT let me drive when we go out together and will keep asking me which way now? and it is not always easy to say turn right or left because sometimes it is more complicated. he of course drives on his own and does fine, but together, it is becoming more awful by the day. and in the rare occasions when i wrangle the driver's seat away from him, he is a nervous wreck.
anybody else with this kind of problem?
Sort of. My bh hates to drive so I get the honors.
Often a good thing.
However, he can't or won't program the GPS or read a map, so somehow I have to do both.
GPS lady is wrong now and again as I drive off a mountain
we both are list makers, his are just longer and undone, mine short and done :-) and i assign more jobs for him than he does for me.
Do you ever assign each other the same tasks? Are there some tasks that bounce back and forth from him to you until one of you picks up the phone and gets someone else to do it?
I think there is a double standard with the spouse assigning chores:
when the wife writes a list for her husband, it's a "honey-do" list - quite acceptable and normal.
when the husband writes a list for his wife, it's controlling or abusive.
I hate being told what to do, but I also don't like telling other adults what to do. I'm pretty independent.
Sounds like you two should have communicated about expectations before getting married. Perhaps you deserve each other. I thank God I wasn't foolish enough to marry a woman that would treat me that way.
Glad you are in the kind of relationship you want, too.
I think you missed the part of my post that explains hubby's behavior has become difficult since major surgery, and with meds, etc and is exacerbated by his no longer working.
And yes, I think we deserve each other. He is a good man who is struggling with health issues as well as adjusting to no longer being "in charge" in a career.
Those things mean I am being as patient as I can muster, but understanding the "whys" doesn't make dealing with his behaviors easy. It is all very stress inducing.
I hope should you or your wife ever deal with such a constellation of circumstances, you will be able to transcend the daily stress and get your lives back on track, which can be quite challenging.
Last edited by brokensky; 08-05-2014 at 10:27 AM..
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