Taking care of your partner in retirement (relative, best)
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Lyrica sounds like a godsend. Is your doctor monitoring your kidney function? When will you be able to stop taking it?
I can't thank you enough for posting this. You give me hope.
Coincidentally, I have a follow-up appointment tomorrow afternoon to discuss my continued use of Lyrica. (My creatinine levels are routinely checked and monitored by another doctor.)
About six times a day I'm asked, "Is there anything I can get for you?" Of course, there never is. I have the meds I'm allowed and the refrigerator is stocked now.
What I need is compassion, some warmth, a kind and loving touch. But I may as well be speaking Urdu as try to explain that.
I think typically men express their feeling, emotion and affection in a different way than women. Your husband asking you six times a day what he can do for you IS HIS WAY of showing his care, compassion and kindness.
I agree with previous poster than if you need a hug or a kiss, just say so.
My BH is always. Get me 'something' either upstairs or downstairs.
Because his knees hurt.
Well how about me? My knees ache, too.
Hell would freeze over before he got me anything.
So what do we do?
What does a wife do when she's hurting and lonely and knows there's no point in asking for a hug because a "hug" in DH World consists of stiff arms held straight out, a rigid body and two quick pats on the back?
Did we create our situations? Probably. It's not all on us but we contributed to it. I've wrestled with this before in other relationships. My way of caring is to do things for the person I care about and anticipate their wants or needs. The problem with that is all-too-soon the loved one starts taking it for granted.
One doesn't have to read minds, one only has to use the senses they've already got. Recently DH committed me to an activity without asking first. Later I asked why he'd done that when he knew I was in pain -- how could he miss how hard it is for me to walk every frickin' day?
"I'm not a mind reader," he snapped. Thanks for the memo, dear.
Your husband must be able to see how painful it is for you but maybe it's just too easy to ignore that which we don't want to acknowledge because doing so would disrupt our comfort.
I think retirement is not going to be kind to people who haven't grown up yet. They will be tested in ways they haven't anticipated or called upon to give something of themselves after decades of being coddled.
What does a wife do when she's hurting and lonely and knows there's no point in asking for a hug because a "hug" in DH World consists of stiff arms held straight out, a rigid body and two quick pats on the back?
If a hug is rebuffed, that seems like a real problem. Body language indicates either physical pain or rejection of affection. Maybe a talk is in order? Or a letter? Personally I couldn't handle that and would want to get to the bottom of it, if there is a bottom. Best wishes on this.
Wondercat, is there a support group for you and/or your DH at the hospital? Might be a start.
Also, hiring someone temporarily to show you both the ropes might help. Not as a finality, but a learning curve for the future. You can both learn from it, and it certainly couldn't hurt.
Perhaps a discussion about needs, expectations and the like. This is a new chapter for both of you, and you are more than likely both having concerns. Best to get them out in the open now before this thing festers. It sounds like there is nothing to lose at this point, except both of your tempers.
Don't give up.
HTH
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