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I have a herniated disk at L5, have had it since the second week of June. Painkillers don't touch it. So far physical therapy has provided only momentary relief. I do my exercises (trunk rotations, "clams", working the transverse abdominus, etc.) assiduously and ice my lower back three times a day. About once a week I seem to get a couple of pain-free hours in which I can leave the house to do crucial errands. Except for that and PT, I am housebound. The pain down my left leg is searing. I can't roll over in bed. Now I have a bruised hip because I can't roll over.
Enough of that.
Early in our relationship, long before we were married, we had "the talk" about old age and how scary the prospect was. I remember it so clearly. We had our arms entwined. We swore that we would always take care of each other.
Did you have a similar discussion?
On Friday nights we have dinner with friends. The pain was too intense for me to go tonight. I apologized to our friends. I know DH was disappointed. I knew he thought I should have gone to support him no matter how I felt. He came home 90 minutes later empty-handed. Not even so much as a takeout carton of soup.
I guess I must be weird because if I had a sick or hurting spouse at home who couldn't get out, I would bring him food! I was at a trade show in Las Vegas once, not due home for a few days. He called me, all stuffed up with a cold. I quickly ascertained he had not eaten and had no plans of eating, so I phoned our favorite Italian restaurant and had them deliver a meatball sandwich and a quart of minestrone as a surprise.
You do what needs to be done to take care of your partner, right? Am I completely off-base here?
We had a nice calm rational discussion earlier this week where I explained what I can and cannot do with this injury. For example, I can't bend over. I pointed out the physical things I typically do -- laundry, litterbox cleaning, dishwasher loading, lifting heavy objects, etc. He said he would do them. And I've been telling people he's doing them.
But he isn't.
As you might guess, this didn't suddenly start this week. He's promised to do things before in our 25 year relationship and -- I'm going to be charitable here -- forgot. When asked about it, he gets super-defensive and claims it's my fault because I didn't remind him to do it. It usually doesn't get that far because, like the moron I am, I just do the task myself silently in order to avoid a fight.
Bottom line: Is there any chance at all I can count on this man to take care of me in retirement? Did your spouse bail on you and were there signs all along?
I believe every situation is different, therefore I can only tell you what happened between me and my wife. It has no bearing on others.
Over the course of three days in August of 2012 I lost all the feeling in my lower arms and hands and my lower legs and feet. Needless to say I could do little if anything. After a battery of tests, a misdiagnosis, many more tests and a good diagnosis it turned out that I had severe spinal stenosis and my spinal column was pinched closed at three places in my neck by spurs and other issues. MRIs also revealed that the cells on the chord were dying. I was put on the fast-track for neurosurgery before I became completely and possibly permanently paralyzed.
The 4½ hour surgery was performed and I was told that the healing process could take up to two years or more. What I wasn't told was that the healing and reconnection of the nerves from the brain to the affected parts of my body could be excruciatingly painful. I soon discovered that the healing of each site was presaged not only by increasing pain but by tremors as well. The latter were so powerful that they literally threw me out of bed on occasion and a recliner as well. At times the pain was such that it actually brought me to my knees in agony. But I was healing! To some minor degree now I still am.
Now sadly, during this time my wife was next to useless so I had to try to do things and cope for and by myself. She said she got too emotional about my deficits and simply couldn't take it. Oh, she talked about taking care of me but it never really materialized. This was from a former midwife who helped bring hundreds of babies into the world during home births and was a healer, just not for me.
Meanwhile, my wife's back started plaguing her due to degenerative disk disease accompanied by neuropathy and periodic, severe sciatica. She also had some emergency abdominal surgery requiring an eight-day hospital stay; four days at our local hospital and the other four at a larger hospital over 60 miles away. I did a lot of driving. Thank God for muscle memory. Then early this year she developed an autoimmune disorder that caused her feet and one shin to erupt often in open wounds ultimately requiring six or more months of wound care and the amputation of the first joint of a great toe. Guess who took care of whom.
Despite my issues and deficits I had launched into what would be three years of fulltime caregiving for her doing all the driving, shopping, a lot of the cleaning (I hired a periodic housekeeper for the rest), the cooking, laundry, pet care (at the time, 3 rescue cats, now down to 2), wound care sometimes up to three times a day, etc. I also assisted her with bathing, grooming and dressing. All that just ended two weeks ago when she left.
And that's the end of the story. She just left!
Sorry this is so long, Fluffy. It's a hurtful issue for me but sadly, I don't think it unique. Caring for another adult is difficult on several levels. Maybe this reality story will help others assess their willingness to help a spouse if needed as well as start determining if their needs will be met if a similar situation arises in their lives.
Now she has her two daughters and an adult granddaughter right where she is. I have no one within 700 miles. And, yes, I'm resentful.
You probably need a laminectomy. Pay more attention to getting proper treatment, and lay off the partner. It's YOUR back and YOUR concern. Always get a second opinion - that's not just for breast masses anymore.
I believe every situation is different, therefore I can only tell you what happened between me and my wife. It has no bearing on others.
Over the course of three days in August of 2012 I lost all the feeling in my lower arms and hands and my lower legs and feet. Needless to say I could do little if anything. After a battery of tests, a misdiagnosis, many more tests and a good diagnosis it turned out that I had severe spinal stenosis and my spinal column was pinched closed at three places in my neck by spurs and other issues. MRIs also revealed that the cells on the chord were dying. I was put on the fast-track for neurosurgery before I became completely and possibly permanently paralyzed.
The 4½ hour surgery was performed and I was told that the healing process could take up to two years or more. What I wasn't told was that the healing and reconnection of the nerves from the brain to the affected parts of my body could be excruciatingly painful. I soon discovered that the healing of each site was presaged not only by increasing pain but by tremors as well. The latter were so powerful that they literally threw me out of bed on occasion and a recliner as well. At times the pain was such that it actually brought me to my knees in agony. But I was healing! To some minor degree now I still am.
Now sadly, during this time my wife was next to useless so I had to try to do things and cope for and by myself. She said she got too emotional about my deficits and simply couldn't take it. Oh, she talked about taking care of me but it never really materialized. This was from a former midwife who helped bring hundreds of babies into the world during home births and was a healer, just not for me.
Meanwhile, my wife's back started plaguing her due to degenerative disk disease accompanied by neuropathy and periodic, severe sciatica. She also had some emergency abdominal surgery requiring an eight-day hospital stay; four days at our local hospital and the other four at a larger hospital over 60 miles away. I did a lot of driving. Thank God for muscle memory. Then early this year she developed an autoimmune disorder that caused her feet and one shin to erupt often in open wounds ultimately requiring six or more months of wound care and the amputation of the first joint of a great toe. Guess who took care of whom.
Despite my issues and deficits I had launched into what would be three years of fulltime caregiving for her doing all the driving, shopping, a lot of the cleaning (I hired a periodic housekeeper for the rest), the cooking, laundry, pet care (at the time, 3 rescue cats, now down to 2), wound care sometimes up to three times a day, etc. I also assisted her with bathing, grooming and dressing. All that just ended two weeks ago when she left.
And that's the end of the story. She just left!
Sorry this is so long, Fluffy. It's a hurtful issue for me but sadly, I don't think it unique. Caring for another adult is difficult on several levels. Maybe this reality story will help others assess their willingness to help a spouse if needed as well as start determining if their needs will be met if a similar situation arises in their lives.
Now she has her two daughters and an adult granddaughter right where she is. I have no one within 700 miles. And, yes, I'm resentful.
Caring for another adult who wouldn't return the favor if the tables were turned is indeed a bitter pill. I'd be hurt and resentful too. Reminds me of the situations in which a spouse puts her or his whole life on hold while other spouse goes through grad school, paying the bills and doing most or all of the domestic stuff, then some years after that the spouse with a new PhD ups and leaves for greener pastures.
I'm in awe of anyone taking as good care of a spouse as you have done, and you should be proud of having done it imo.
You saying you need to get assertive about your care is a very positive thing. Be the burr under the saddle of all your medical people till these issues are taken care of. Do not back down.
I have not known many heterosexual men, living with women, who do a good job on house things. Somehow, I think we are just programmed differently. When I walk through the house I am adding things to my list. This is dirty. That needs to be cleaned. The rug in the living room needs to be vacuumed. I have to empty the dishwasher. My SO is very much the kind gentleman. I think I can count the doors I have opened in the last 7 years on one hand. But he walks through the house and sees none of the above. I think he had a relationship with a real nagger in the past and I don't want to be like her. I don't like to nag. And he hates to be nagged. And I hate to wait for something to get done. It's an impasse. Right now I am waiting for him to change the AC filter and I have asked twice. Easy for him because he is 6'4". Much harder for me and I have to get out the ladder. Small issues really but they do get under my skin. I love it that he will help cook and clean up the kitchen afterwards. And he keeps the car clean. Those things he does automatically.
Now my homosexual friends, both male and female, have cleaner, neater, more perfect homes than I could ever imagine. Everything is always perfect and ready for company. I know it's not PC for me to say the above but this is and has been my observation for years. And I have told my friends this too and we have discussed it. Trying to figure out why!
Sure, women are programmed differently - programmed to do stuff they really don't like to do (cleaning toilets and the like) because they like the result. Men kinda do what they like to do...yeah, they may complain about their job but believe me, they DO like it. Men don't care about a clean house so they aren't willing to do the work, simple as that.
Your hubby wouldn't have a job to go to if his boss at work had to nag him like a wife has to...think about it.
I have a herniated disk at L5, have had it since the second week of June. Painkillers don't touch it. So far physical therapy has provided only momentary relief. I do my exercises (trunk rotations, "clams", working the transverse abdominus, etc.) assiduously and ice my lower back three times a day. About once a week I seem to get a couple of pain-free hours in which I can leave the house to do crucial errands. Except for that and PT, I am housebound. The pain down my left leg is searing. I can't roll over in bed. Now I have a bruised hip because I can't roll over.
Enough of that.
Early in our relationship, long before we were married, we had "the talk" about old age and how scary the prospect was. I remember it so clearly. We had our arms entwined. We swore that we would always take care of each other.
Did you have a similar discussion?
On Friday nights we have dinner with friends. The pain was too intense for me to go tonight. I apologized to our friends. I know DH was disappointed. I knew he thought I should have gone to support him no matter how I felt. He came home 90 minutes later empty-handed. Not even so much as a takeout carton of soup.
I guess I must be weird because if I had a sick or hurting spouse at home who couldn't get out, I would bring him food! I was at a trade show in Las Vegas once, not due home for a few days. He called me, all stuffed up with a cold. I quickly ascertained he had not eaten and had no plans of eating, so I phoned our favorite Italian restaurant and had them deliver a meatball sandwich and a quart of minestrone as a surprise.
You do what needs to be done to take care of your partner, right? Am I completely off-base here?
We had a nice calm rational discussion earlier this week where I explained what I can and cannot do with this injury. For example, I can't bend over. I pointed out the physical things I typically do -- laundry, litterbox cleaning, dishwasher loading, lifting heavy objects, etc. He said he would do them. And I've been telling people he's doing them.
But he isn't.
As you might guess, this didn't suddenly start this week. He's promised to do things before in our 25 year relationship and -- I'm going to be charitable here -- forgot. When asked about it, he gets super-defensive and claims it's my fault because I didn't remind him to do it. It usually doesn't get that far because, like the moron I am, I just do the task myself silently in order to avoid a fight.
Bottom line: Is there any chance at all I can count on this man to take care of me in retirement? Did your spouse bail on you and were there signs all along?
Several things stick out here.
If you have dinner with these friends frequently, why did your DH go and leave you at home? How about him supporting you at home? This seems like serious disrespect for you and your needs right now if this wasn't a rare, can't be rescheduled dinner date.
It was thoughtful of you to order food in for him when he wasn't feeling well, but it sounds like you are keeping a tit for tat scorecard. Doing nice things comes from the heart with no thought of future payback, otherwise it's reduced to a business transaction: I do something for you and I expect you to do something in return. Of course it would be wonderful if he remembered to be as thoughtful in your time of need. That's wishful thinking though, which brings me to the last point.
Your DH can't read your mind and getting resentful that he isn't doing what you expect him to, is going to lead to more resentment. You need to tell him what you want in clear details, don't assume anything. If you were hungry and couldn't fix anything when he was out to dinner, a simple text asking him to pick something up for you would have solved the problem.
I agree with the others who recommended hiring help if he's not pitching in, but just be sure he understands what you want and need from him first.
As for future caretaking, this may be a preview of what's to come unless you start communicating much better than you have so far.
It was thoughtful of you to order food in for him when he wasn't feeling well, but it sounds like you are keeping a tit for tat scorecard. Doing nice things comes from the heart with no thought of future payback, otherwise it's reduced to a business transaction: I do something for you and I expect you to do something in return. Of course it would be wonderful if he remembered to be as thoughtful in your time of need.
Sadly, people usually only start keeping a scorecard when they look up after months or years and realize they are the only one keeping things afloat. Suddenly it becomes apparent that it is FAR from being even. Also, seems like the slacker is the one talking loudest about keeping a scorecard because suddenly they're called on to pay a very large debt that is long overdue. One person can only do so much and they have every right to expect consideration as well.
Sure, women are programmed differently - programmed to do stuff they really don't like to do (cleaning toilets and the like) because they like the result. Men kinda do what they like to do...yeah, they may complain about their job but believe me, they DO like it. Men don't care about a clean house so they aren't willing to do the work, simple as that.
I'm sorry you've only known simple men. I, for one, like a clean house and keep mine that way
Quote:
Originally Posted by reneeh63
Sadly, people usually only start keeping a scorecard when they look up after months or years and realize they are the only one keeping things afloat. Suddenly it becomes apparent that it is FAR from being even. Also, seems like the slacker is the one talking loudest about keeping a scorecard because suddenly they're called on to pay a very large debt that is long overdue. One person can only do so much and they have every right to expect consideration as well.
And I'm truly sorry that one or more failed relationships have made you so bitter.
You are cherry picking what I wrote and leaving out the part about it being wishful thinking and asking her DH to be a mind reader and knowing what she wants.
If people can't talk to each other and listen, there are always going to be problems. There are givers and takers in most relationships. Finding a balance and compromise that works for both can be done but not without communicating clearly. When that doesn't happen, out comes the mental scorecard and hurt.
Sitting down, talking and really hearing what is being said without filtering it through expectations would solve most of the problems I read on C-D.
I believe every situation is different, therefore I can only tell you what happened between me and my wife. It has no bearing on others.
Over the course of three days in August of 2012 I lost all the feeling in my lower arms and hands and my lower legs and feet. Needless to say I could do little if anything. After a battery of tests, a misdiagnosis, many more tests and a good diagnosis it turned out that I had severe spinal stenosis and my spinal column was pinched closed at three places in my neck by spurs and other issues. MRIs also revealed that the cells on the chord were dying. I was put on the fast-track for neurosurgery before I became completely and possibly permanently paralyzed.
The 4½ hour surgery was performed and I was told that the healing process could take up to two years or more. What I wasn't told was that the healing and reconnection of the nerves from the brain to the affected parts of my body could be excruciatingly painful. I soon discovered that the healing of each site was presaged not only by increasing pain but by tremors as well. The latter were so powerful that they literally threw me out of bed on occasion and a recliner as well. At times the pain was such that it actually brought me to my knees in agony. But I was healing! To some minor degree now I still am.
Now sadly, during this time my wife was next to useless so I had to try to do things and cope for and by myself. She said she got too emotional about my deficits and simply couldn't take it. Oh, she talked about taking care of me but it never really materialized. This was from a former midwife who helped bring hundreds of babies into the world during home births and was a healer, just not for me.
Meanwhile, my wife's back started plaguing her due to degenerative disk disease accompanied by neuropathy and periodic, severe sciatica. She also had some emergency abdominal surgery requiring an eight-day hospital stay; four days at our local hospital and the other four at a larger hospital over 60 miles away. I did a lot of driving. Thank God for muscle memory. Then early this year she developed an autoimmune disorder that caused her feet and one shin to erupt often in open wounds ultimately requiring six or more months of wound care and the amputation of the first joint of a great toe. Guess who took care of whom.
Despite my issues and deficits I had launched into what would be three years of fulltime caregiving for her doing all the driving, shopping, a lot of the cleaning (I hired a periodic housekeeper for the rest), the cooking, laundry, pet care (at the time, 3 rescue cats, now down to 2), wound care sometimes up to three times a day, etc. I also assisted her with bathing, grooming and dressing. All that just ended two weeks ago when she left.
And that's the end of the story. She just left!
Sorry this is so long, Fluffy. It's a hurtful issue for me but sadly, I don't think it unique. Caring for another adult is difficult on several levels. Maybe this reality story will help others assess their willingness to help a spouse if needed as well as start determining if their needs will be met if a similar situation arises in their lives.
Now she has her two daughters and an adult granddaughter right where she is. I have no one within 700 miles. And, yes, I'm resentful.
Cur
Are you able to take care of yourself? If so, maybe her leaving might not be bad thing. Only yourself to worry about versus tending to her.
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