Moving Somewhere Alone While Dealing with Depression (weather, long-term, community)

[brightdoglover]

A couple of posters on the long sticky discussion about moving alone mentioned depression, and I wanted to possibly start a discussion about that situation. I don't mean a situational depression following, say, widowhood or having trouble adjusting to changes of retirement. I do refer to people who have long-term wrestling matches with what Winston Churchill called "The Black Dog."

I do think that those of us with ongoing depression issues have long ago learned about the "geographic fix," that is, a new place does not make us a new person. I also think it can be harder to plan a move with the nagging mood disorder either active or knowing it lies in wait to pounce again.

I am actively planning to move in retirement to a small town I've visited many times, in 3 1/2 years. I worry about the amount of initiative it will take to do so, whether my nagging low moods will interfere, whether I am asking too much of a new location or just enough.

I mean, I'm going to live somewhere with this nagging PIA. I don't think moving will cure it but I (currently) feel like I want the adventure and presumed satisfaction of the new place versus my safe and current life, and the stale life I imagine in retirement if I don't make the change. Then I worry that all I'll do is wreck whatever stale/stability I've established, get depressed and be stranded in the new place. Etc.

So this goes way beyond a question of, should I go to this place or that place, whether alone or with company. It's considering going to a new place with ongoing issues of depession.

[meo92953]

Ummm, bright, hadn't imagined you'd bring us to this level, but I thank you that you did. I'm uncertain exactly what it is I'm looking for but do know I am not where I need to be. I came very close to finding it when I was in San Francisco - somehow the Ocean opened me to a self I only imagined. But even that wasn't enough. I don't really know how to describe it. Nothing is ever enough & when it isn't, there is a down send that spirals you into nothingness and all you want to do is sleep. That is the depression I have to deal with.

And yet, there are moments, maybe because of the pills I take to fight (or live with?) life that is illuminated in a way which is hard to describe. Leaves on trees are enhanced & whether glistening with morning dew, glowing with Autumn' s love or holding up with a storm's fury, life is so enhanced. Yet, I can't do the work I would love so much to do, drawing & painting the beauty I see. So you exist & try so hard to find yourself. That is my depression.

[jane_sm1th73]

Originally Posted by brightdoglover

...
I mean, I'm going to live somewhere with this nagging PIA. I don't think moving will cure it but I (currently) feel like I want the adventure and presumed satisfaction of the new place versus my safe and current life, and the stale life I imagine in retirement if I don't make the change. Then I worry that all I'll do is wreck whatever stale/stability I've established, get depressed and be stranded in the new place. Etc.

So this goes way beyond a question of, should I go to this place or that place, whether alone or with company. It's considering going to a new place with ongoing issues of depression.

How are you certain that your depression is NOT situational? Have you done the controlled study?

FWIW - and your mileage may vary - I have found that the geographic cure works like a charm. Those who say it doesn't haven't done it, at least not for long enough to harvest the outcomes. The stressors you have in your life - isolation, working nights in the psych ward - they would be enough to make a grown man cry. Add to that, the relentless winters.

I get it that you have a picture postcard when you look out of your window a few hours a day. However, it seems to me, in every other aspect of your life you are trapped. Particularly when you mention the grim years you have to go.

When you are trapped and hardwired into depressed mode - that is the time to change it up, cash in the chips, and get the h*ll out of Dodge. You can do it - the wolf is not at the door. Anyway, you can STILL be a psych nurse where you are headed if you need the cash. Private duty. Much more lucrative. Inc. yourself, and once you make enough, you simply buy your benefits. But please examine that fear ruthlessly - all too often, the cash shortfall boogeyman is just more fuel for the depressive cycle.

IMHO, remaining where you are, remaining inward focused, grimly slogging through ?four more? crushing winters is not going to help. Suffering does not convey nobility.

So the question is: has your get-up-and-go got up and went? CAN you get it together to make a clean break, decompress, get your circadian cycle in line, and resume living? Once you set an end date and make a plan, you will find that even the act of making the plan with an end date is healing, and to a degree has triggered the freedom journey.

You have mentioned that you have cash reserves. I'd use 'em. You don't need to build a house right when you get there. Do what everybody else does. RENT and cherry pick the properties and lots at leisure. Take it easy on yourself - the prospect of launching into that large of a project right now is sufficient to paralyze you where you are, as you can observe.

Again, this is JMO - to me it seems you are overthinking your flight to freedom, while clinging to what you yourself describe as a counterfeit of life.

Please forgive my blunt observation. I am not coming from a criticizing standpoint.

Best to you, and let us know how it works out - Jane

[meo92953]

Wow Jane, you are tough. And depressed people are fragile. Jmi

[brightdoglover]

I don't think Jane is tough, just that she is largely wrong in most of what she says (for me, anyway).

For one thing, winter doesn't bother me where I am now. Summer does- the sticky hazy grey days make me feel sodden. Bring on winter! And in the new place, the winters are colder but sunnier, the snow is a wash (and retired, I can just stay home during extreme weather).

Just got my medications tweaked and I feel a lot better. I would not want to try and work in the new place, not to mention that there isn't any RN psych/detox work anywhere near. There are few and far services on the Western Slope of Colorado. I probably will transfer my license for a sense of security but will know that I am really free when I let the license expire.

I do think I have a better shot at a community connection than I do in my current life and way of life. People live near/in Boston to go to school, to work, to get ahead- not to retire or recreate. I could afford to stay here, but I am watching friends and co-workers drop off to warmer climates and/or cheaper ones.

I also, oddly enough, see more opportunities for community involvement through volunteering in the new place than I do in my current place (if retired here). Options are closer together, and depend on the small number of people in the area who are inclined.

Either I am too grey-hued to notice, or Jane is over-stating it when she says I have a counterfeit life. I wonder if she knows what chronic depression is. I had more acute depression when younger (like being boiled in oil) and I had more friends and a great easy job, no nights or psych, then. I have had to learn to live with my deficient biochemistry and tread carefully, as I know that my night hours don't help matters (not that days would either- I am a late-night person, but all-night is unhealthy). I fear poverty more than I fear chronic depression. My issues are primarily biochemical and predate any situations or changes thereof. I am grateful that I am not ever as bad as I was a younger person, and as a younger person, I made all kinds of changes- job, school, geography-with the vague thought of the changes improving things, and they didn't. Medication has improved things while the actual "things" have not changed.

Just one data point.

[Deelighted]

I suffer from depression too but I'm not going to let depression stop me from moving I've taken the first step on my moving path and feel better than I have in several years. I did have to force myself to go through and get rid of stuff. I had to tell myself, "ok get through this pile of clothes, then you can take a short break." Chunking it up into smaller bits helped me to get it done.

Parting with some of my books was very hard but I gave those books to an organization that supports literacy. I'm now at my daughter's house for a few weeks and then I'll start my journey to find my new place

[brightdoglover]

^^^^
I look forward to further reports of your move, best wishes.

[augiedogie]

A move to a new location might be just the thing you need for a pick me up. Places and circumstances can certainly contribute to depression. Since you're fearful of a move, is there some way you can make a temporary move to this place to try it out.

For example, we don't even know where we want to move after retirement, so we're moving into an RV and going traveling, looking for a place. Is that a possibility. Some used RV's can be purchased for relatively little money.

[brightdoglover]

For me, I know I want to leave my life in eastern Mass. in retirement (some three years away) and I am fearful largely because I've made other strong changes all my life and have met with the same mood problem elsewhere. (Have not done this since taking medication that helps). Also, augiedog is a "we" and I am more concerned with going alone, as I will be, and others are. I hope some men post, too, although they might have more trouble saying they are depressed or knowing it).

Please, if you do not understand depression, do try to understand from these posts. It is rare to need a "pick me up" as it is a biochemical disorder, triggered by environment and events (often long ago and not acknowledged). I have made more changes over the past 42 years than anyone I know, and the only thing that seemed to make me feel better (besides medication) was having a home and adopting dogs in a peaceful quiet pretty place. I would not have known that such a prosaic action could have such an effect and I am working with my lack of ease at the prospect of giving up this home.

I have realized that the only community I know is my job, especially the night shift. It is getting frayed as people leave the nights or retire or move on. I am 62, and a lot of the "regulars" are gone already. I do not want work to be my only community, and when I retire and leave this house, I will be leaving the only connections that I've had in some time. Hence, I worry about doing it. I am not looking for a quick fix by moving or retiring before the right financial time (which I've identified as 65 at the earliest, and more likely 65 and eight months).

[RiverBird]

Yes of course wherever you go there you are ("you" are there), we all know that. But I have found big changes to be stimulating to my psyche and imagination, even my energy level. I suffer from low energy often, and boredom a lot even when I'm doing things. Things that change my outlook for the better are stimulating atmospheres (I hate boring long summers inland in a closed-up college town, but come alive in the fall with the crisp clean air and return of activity).

For me the quality of air, and the overall vibe of a place is important. Even within the state we may locate to, there are places I strongly relate to, others that are neutral, and others that are a turnoff/bore. I need to see a certain kind of landscape to feel like I'm "myself." For ex, I would not relate to dramatic mountains like in Colorado, or in flat plains like Kansas (maybe for visits, but not to live there)...I have claustrophobia and its opposite, so being enclosed in mountains/hills or wide open plains makes me uneasy. "My" landscape is low hills and fields with far views maybe to the sea.

Don't discount the aesthetic factor on our mood. We are artists at heart and want to see what we want to see, no denying it. Not everyone can financially afford to move to the place where their aesthetic nerve is touched, but if you can, do it. Have a fall-back plan if it doesn't work out. IMO, if one is going to live with any level of depression anyway, assuming it is being addressed in other ways, one can at least choose as many factors as possible that are a huge plus. IOW, I'd rather feel low moods in places I'd prefer to be in, than in places that further bring me down overall.