Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I perceive from your post that you have not yet had to deal with this heart wrenching decision, lucky for you. Allowing an incapable adult to live on their own, even when they are convinced they are adequately capable, is a form of neglect or cruel indifference.
Why is it that relatives seem to believe they can take over and dictate how others should live their lives? If an individual is "incapable", there are legal means to determine this and to provide for needed care. It seems few well meaning relatives are interested in a legal process and instead use trickery and other underhanded means to do what they believe is best.
I doubt anybody would take on such a difficult project without carefully considering the resistance they will face.
We all know change is extremely difficult for most folks as we get older.And older people fail to RECOGNIZE , how their finances and lives and homes are falling apart. There is no easy way for an inevitable transition and big change.
For one thing assisted living is extremely expensive. And the cost sometimes falls on the kids to share or it might mean a significant reduction of estate left to inherit. And sometimes the responsibility of making sure finances and independent living are going OK falls to someone already extremely busy with a career or family--the daughter or daughter-in-law. And many times they aren't even in the same state. Families simply aren't clustered in one area like they used to be. Long distance caregiving is wrought with stress, uncertainty, and dangers. I can see no situation where a family member would insist on a change in living conditions unless they feared for the safety and well being of their loved one.
My own father-in-law refused to make any changes in his lifestyle no matter how much his family tried to persuade him. He cut himself off from those who tried and ended up alienating the family in his community who could help him the most. His death was not discovered until the neighbors complained about the stench of his decomposing body.
I still think it's his life. Why force it? Assume he had no children, that would be the case.
My sister's ex died 3 days in his home before it was discovered he was dead. He was in his late 50s, lived alone. His kids didn't live with him.
Why is it that relatives seem to believe they can take over and dictate how others should live their lives? If an individual is "incapable", there are legal means to determine this and to provide for needed care. It seems few well meaning relatives are interested in a legal process and instead use trickery and other underhanded means to do what they believe is best.
I agree with your post. My SIL kept pushing my MIL to go to nursing home nearer to her, made it easier for her to visit. But my MIL lived there in her town for years. In the end, I said to live her alone, visit her when she could, she didn't have to feel obliged to visit. That's when she left my MIL alone. Toward the end, there were care takers that came 3 times a day for one hour to help for food shopping/medicine. One day my MIL was discovered 4 hours late, had a stroke and she died 4 days later at the age of 87. Had she been in a nursing home, she might live a few more years. It's a trade off. But I still think it's her life and she got to do what she wanted.
Last edited by NewbieHere; 12-06-2016 at 09:44 AM..
... Had she been in a nursing home, she might live a few more years. .....
My MIL lived her last several years virtually brain dead and help needed for feeding and bodily maintenance. She "lived" quite a few extra years due to expensive nursing care. I would just as soon go much earlier.
Why is it that relatives seem to believe they can take over and dictate how others should live their lives? If an individual is "incapable", there are legal means to determine this and to provide for needed care. It seems few well meaning relatives are interested in a legal process and instead use trickery and other underhanded means to do what they believe is best.
Guess that would be okay if the person that insisted that they were "okay" didn't call every day with some new situation that the selfish relative had to resolve. It gets old after a while.
And just because they are a hard headed oldster doesn't mean they can be committed, so that is out. Lots of people want their family right there next to them, but don't want to meet them half way.
Guess that would be okay if the person that insisted that they were "okay" didn't call every day with some new situation that the selfish relative had to resolve.........
Sounds like someone does indeed need to back off and also needs to learn to say no.
Why is it that relatives seem to believe they can take over and dictate how others should live their lives? If an individual is "incapable", there are legal means to determine this and to provide for needed care. It seems few well meaning relatives are interested in a legal process and instead use trickery and other underhanded means to do what they believe is best.
A very interesting statement. So you think it is easier to take a relative to court to have them declared mentally incompetent than trying to cajole them into making a move? Have you sat opposite your mother having to testify in front of her and other relatives as well as lawyers, judge, clerks, etc. and give examples and evidence of mental incapability in order to keep her safe and well cared for? I have and it was a nightmare. I wouldn't wish this experience on my worst enemy. And when it was all over and I "won" my mother acted like it had been a fun game. She got lots of attention and was the main focus of a lot of people. Which is what she wanted in the first place.
A very interesting statement. So you think it is easier to take a relative to court to have them declared mentally incompetent than trying to cajole them into making a move? .......
No action was needed with either of my parents. My mother died at home after a long battle with cancer. My father went into hospice just prior to his death. The situation was more complicated with my wife's parents. Her father was in an Alzheimer care facility when he died. Her mother lived well past dementia. She signed over a power of attorney which included financial and medical decisions. Without voluntary agreement, I think the relatives need to back off and not decide what is "necessary".
Without voluntary agreement, I think the relatives need to back off and not decide what is "necessary".
That would be fine if the demented person was only a danger to himself. But often the demented person poses a real danger to others as well. Relatives who back off because they are unwilling to do what is legally required to ensure the safety of everyone can easily end up with blood on their hands.
No action was needed with either of my parents. My mother died at home after a long battle with cancer. My father went into hospice just prior to his death. The situation was more complicated with my wife's parents. Her father was in an Alzheimer care facility when he died. Her mother lived well past dementia. She signed over a power of attorney which included financial and medical decisions. Without voluntary agreement, I think the relatives need to back off and not decide what is"necessary".
I would agree with the bolded as a generalized principle, but not as a statement with universal application. If we imagine one of our parents living alone who becomes unable to prepare food reliably and who refuses help such as meals on wheels, then we have a parent whose nutritional needs are not being met. They would be living in filth also if they are unable to keep their place clean. Would you really be able to say to yourself, "Oh well, mom is stubborn and doesn't want to make any changes, so let her gradually waste away from not eating as it will mercifully shorten her life in all probability"? Wouldn't that be pretty hard-hearted?
It would be hard for me to stand by and watch, even from a distance of 2,000 miles, my own mother go through that. And I was not even very close to her emotionally. That scenario is exactly what my sister and I faced. I had just requested a referral to an attorney to inform myself about court-appointed guardianship when my mother relented (without knowing what we were thinking) and moved into an independent living facility, which she actually ended up liking. Meals were provided in a dining hall and once-a-week maid service was also part of the rent.
It is easy to say, as a matter of principle, to respect everyone's autonomy and let them face the consequences of their own stubbornness, but in actual practice such an approach could be extraordinarily painful.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
