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I constantly strive to enrich and dimensionalize my life with new friends and connections. I strive to stay active with golf/bowling/music and try to maintain a positive outlook so as to draw people to me. I wish to focus and grow with positive actions and my family so does not fit into this equation and they care not so I have learned to live with the good and the not/so/good and to count my blessings and hope for the best
In The Perfect World, Family would all be lovingly united. In this world, some of us are left on our own because we choose not to involve ourselves with those who are negative/selfish.
Many here are in the boat alone. There are numerous threads discussing this topic. Were there any specific questions you wanted to ask or advice you needed? Lots of helpful folks would be able to advise you.
In The Perfect World, Family would all be lovingly united. In this world, some of us are left on our own because we choose not to involve ourselves with those who are negative/selfish.
The first thing you have to realize is that there is no such place as a Perfect World. Please stop looking for it.
It sounds like your mother is very ill mentally/emotionally. From what I read in your long post is she is incapable of love, her problem and not yours.
My suggestion to you is to let go of the "family" and find a decent counselor. You need to learn how to love and respect yourself. You do not deserve to be treated so poorly but you accept it because you are not loving yourself.
There is much more I could write but I won't. I am not a counselor but I've seen a lot of counselors. I've learned a lot from them.
You requested your mother to not send those videos because of how they make you feel. She interpreted that in a way that is her problem, not yours. You need to learn how to separate all of that.
Take care of yourself loycer. Take the focus off your mother and other family. Start with a medical doctor who can talk to you and hopefully refer you to a counselor that specializes in the problem you have.
It is not a shameful thing to go to counseling. Lots of people see them for many different reasons. You deserve a better life where you can feel like a whole person and love yourself enough that you don't need to pursue love from someone who cannot give it to you.
I wish you all the luck in the world and I hope you do this.
sometimes I start thinking how you become estranged from your family, then I started questioning did I reject them or did they reject me? I have come to realize now that in my case I have never been part of the family, even as a child. I don't know how this came about, as I don't remember a lot of my very young childhood. I know that I was left in the hospital as a baby and my mother didn't want to bring me home because I was premature and according to her, she was afraid I was going to die at home. Now, come to think of it, now that I am writing this, as a mother, if my child was going to die, would it be better to let it die alone in the hospital or at home in my arms ? oh well, I guess by writing this, I have answered my own question. interesting...
so... I guess I was rejected from birth. there we go... as years passed, now I feel that after so much pain and trying to be accepted, I have finally rejected my mother as an adult. not because I wanted to, but because I am tired of trying to connect, trying to have a genuine relationship, trying to have transparency, loyalty, genuine connection... it's sometime that I feel I have tried, and fought for all my life, and reached the end of the rope. Maybe it's a season that I have to accept that I will never have that from her. It's interesting because when I try to be superficial and not give her my genuine all, she feels it and I can feel the heat coming from her. And God I hate it... it's the manipulation, it's somehow turned against me as it's all my fault, and it's ME who doesn't like her. To make things worse, she manages to keep my siblings under her control, and instigating in a very subtle way that we don't connect truthfully with each other either. On a recent post, I reads someone writing "it's natural for a mother to want her children to get along", I immediately thought... not my mother. it took me awhile to see, but it seems to be very convenient to "divide and conquer", she has all of us at her mercy and none of us get along, and it doesn't seem to bother her a bit. She recently said to me, not feeling bothered, but more in curious note :" I don't know what we did wrong that all of you don't get along". I can't remember anything my mother has done to unite us siblings. Last month as a final stupid request, I asked her about creating a group chat on the phone, and adding me , my brother and my sister. She immediately responded, oh that's a good idea, but i am going to pray about it, because i don't want to do anything with my own hands. ( I didn't understand the pray about it, she says she's christian, so I believe that maybe she wanted some guidance). well... that request turned in to weeks, and months, and she never did anything about it. I guess she is still praying... until I finally confronted her when she came to visit. Her answer still hunts me: she said: " oh well, that was going to look ridiculous,me creating a group, and I would be the only one posting on the group and no one responding, that's just ridiculous!" Well... when I am confronted with these reactions from my mom , I feel like I don't know her, who the hell is this person? holly **** ! where did that come from ? the sweet, I am going to pray about it, the nice mom, who is that ? it's a wake up call ! so she goes back home after her visit... and has the nerve to keep sending me cute videos, and the last one was this long video, about how wonderful and how much she values and loves her family (she didn't make the videos, I am sure these are forward messages that she gets) but really ? I felt so disrespected ! really ?
I send her a message to please, be sensitive to the videos she sends about family, because that bring confusion and hurt and I prefer not to receive videos like that anymore. well, she hasn't spoken and sent me any messages since... it has been two weeks now. I think this is crazy !
Quote:
Originally Posted by loycer
I am estranged from my family and I'd love to have fam ties but not to be for now so I accept and endure the status and try to be grateful for friends whom I can trust, respect and rely on. One door closed; others open and I am hopeful for positive changes.
In my former line of (social worker) work, I came to realize that the big happy family is the exception, not the rule. Yes I have a couple of friends whose family life fits the Hollywood stereotype, but for most, not so much.
In my former line of (social worker) work, I came to realize that the big happy family is the exception, not the rule. Yes I have a couple of friends whose family life fits the Hollywood stereotype, but for most, not so much.
I've known more people including myself who created "adopted" families due to either their or their family members moving away or estrangement. When I first moved 2000 miles away from my biological family in Chicago, I adopted a new family in my new city of Portland. I became as close to my friends as I ever was my bio family. I used to call my second mom my "Portland Mom."
My friends were like brothers and sisters.
Families can be many things. Whether you call them friendships or family members, the important thing is to cultivate relationships if you don't want to be alone.
The first thing you have to realize is that there is no such place as a Perfect World. Please stop looking for it.
It sounds like your mother is very ill mentally/emotionally. From what I read in your long post is she is incapable of love, her problem and not yours.
My suggestion to you is to let go of the "family" and find a decent counselor. You need to learn how to love and respect yourself. You do not deserve to be treated so poorly but you accept it because you are not loving yourself.
There is much more I could write but I won't. I am not a counselor but I've seen a lot of counselors. I've learned a lot from them.
You requested your mother to not send those videos because of how they make you feel. She interpreted that in a way that is her problem, not yours. You need to learn how to separate all of that.
Take care of yourself loycer. Take the focus off your mother and other family. Start with a medical doctor who can talk to you and hopefully refer you to a counselor that specializes in the problem you have.
It is not a shameful thing to go to counseling. Lots of people see them for many different reasons. You deserve a better life where you can feel like a whole person and love yourself enough that you don't need to pursue love from someone who cannot give it to you.
I wish you all the luck in the world and I hope you do this.
Whoops. I think I meant most of the above post to be directed at wildbird.
While I sympathize with the OP and Wildbird, I'm still wondering why this is posted in the retiree forum?
Is there some connection here to the retirement forum that I am missing?
Estrangement can be sad, but for some it is better to be estranged than to be sucked into family members' games and machinations. And it can happen at any stage of one's life.
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