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Nonsense. Not having kids doesn't mean no one cares about you. You still have friends, nieces, nephews, siblings, etc. A support network doesn't mean children and no one else.
Anecdotally, I know several elders whose kids want nothing to do with them.
Planning, and maintaining a vibrant social network. Whether with friends who might be younger or more-abled, or with younger family members (siblings, nieces and nephews, etc) who you might rely on either because they are good caring people who love you, or because you pay them, at least nominally, for any care work or physical assistance with manual tasks you can't accomplish yourself. Many 55+ communities also have some sort of network of able-bodied who assist the non-able-bodied with tasks that are tricky for the elderly, and they have numerous social activities to alleviate loneliness.
For those with very low income, in many US states there are In Home Support Services (IHSS) paid for by the state if you have disabilities. There are also low income qualified housing with meals and activities. It's hard to be lonely when you eat dinner with 80 of your neighbors everyday, and all you have to do to find someone to talk to is to walk to the day room and sit next to someone. I suspect it's much more lonely for those determined to "age in place" in their homes. Meals on Wheels tries to meet this need, by providing a few minutes of companionship along with the nutrition, on a daily basis. The thing with loneliness is that for most the answer is within their grasp. To have a friend, you must BE a friend. Introduce yourself to the neighbors, the service people who work for you, etc. Get acquainted with the lady at the library, or the even people feeding pigeons in the park. Meet people for coffee at the diner or McD's. Of course use discernment to avoid weirdos and predators, but sitting at home alone is the real enemy.
I had an older neighbor I was close to that had no one after I moved. He fell, needed care for 3 weeks, we took him in because his niece couldn't do it. They were like oil and water. Thankfully she went to the hospital when he was admitted the last time and passed. He had a heart procedure a month before that he never should have had. When he was with me he refused to have it done. I don't know who talked him into it. He could have had a peaceful death but instead the hospital missed his hernia which strangled his intestines. I wish I was closer when he had these issues. I had told social services he had dementia when he was with me but they didn't do anything. He almost killed himself by taking too much blood pressure medicine. They let him go home after that too.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kavm
One of my motivations in thinking about this is that my wife's mother (admittedly at an advanced age) is suffering from noticeable memory loss. While the medical diagnosis is still awaited, we would not be surprised if it were onset of dementia. It has taken a lot of work, persuasion and engagement from my wife and her sisters to get get their mother to an old age home ( a very nice and well run facility - Germany) where she has better support. Also, my wife was relating a story when she was visiting her mother in the old age home, she ran into an old man who was very confused and asked her to contact the police because he thought he had been abducted - obviously quite lost. Have heard other similar stories from friends.
While we are still fair distance from that time - it does concerns me. As a man, my life expectancy is shorter - and the thought of having proper support for my wife if she were to reach that stage without me being around and/or not able to support should she succumb to something similar is something we need to think about. Hence, the closing part of the article spoke to our concerns...
“The care system for those living with dementia is overly reliant on family care,” he said. “If you don’t have family to care for you, you’re left to fend for yourself, which means risking becoming very unwell. We need a special care and health system that recognises this demographic.”
PS: Both of us are immigrants to the US. Our families are on different continents...
My parents were immigrants from Hungary. I cared for my dad when he had terminal leukemia. His 80 year old brother is in Hungary with a girl friend that's 10 years younger. I don't know who will care for her, they never had kids. I have a sibling caring for my mother. The sibling doesn't speak to either of us, she has no kids and isn't married. She could easily have this happen to her.
You may have to go back home at some point if you're worried about someone caring for either of you.
Planning, planning, planning. Much of this can be mitigated by thoughful planning.
This is the answer. We have no children or other close relatives that we would want involved in making life-death or serious financial decisions. Yet, we don't feel unsupported at all, much less dangerously unsupported, and I don't think we've done anything that someone else could not do.
We each have wills with the other as representatives and primary heir, we have our charitable fund as secondary heir and we selected a trust company to be the secondary rep. We have each others' POAs and Health Care Directives, and a good friend agreed to secondary on the Health Care Directive. All of our financial accounts, except one bank account, have TOD to the charitable fund. That one bank account will have sufficient funds for the trust company to handle final bills.
Thanks for sharing! This seems like a very good solution. We aren’t retired yet (few more years to go), and follow this topic to understand the strategies that might be available to us.
We have kids but we do not want them to have to "take care of us" when we are unable to take care of ourselves. Have a fiduciary or some sort of designated person who you have given the power to make important decisions in you are unable to make them for yourself, have good financial planning and savings, get and keep things organized. I feel bad for the kids who are left to deal with everything because their parents expected them to "take care of them" when they got too old or unhealthy to take care of themselves. Your last bit of time with your kids should be enjoyable, not bogged down with stress and decision-making and whatever else may occur. Enjoy every last drop.
We never had kids... We didn't do anything to prevent it, but it never happened.
So I've wonder about us in old age... We've got 21 niblings (collective term for nieces & nephews... It's a word. Look it up.) so we are hoping one of them will look kindly on us in old age. We've been pouring a lot time into 3 of the local ones.
Having children is no guarantee that they will take care of their elderly parents. And many elderly parents do not want their children taking care of them. works both ways. Loneliness is not a necessary component of ageing. And being alone is not the same as lonely. Financially speaking- no guarantee your children are going to be able to take care of their parents, not in todays world. Just look at the prices. We are pricing ourselves no matter the age out of house and home. Forget medical care. Not affordable for many. Food, shelter, heat, are the basics and those are becoming harder to afford.
When it comes to advanced health care issues, such as dementia, kids are often not able to help. Kids are rarely skilled in nursing and many, probably most, just do not have the time or skills.
Many kids are less than helpful even when they might help. We have seen some close friends where one or more of the kids took over and bilked the parents out of their remaining financial resources.
I have one son who once told me he'd take me in if I couldn't live independently. I loved him for offering it but it was before he married and had kids and he had no clue what it might be like to deal with someone senile or incontinent, or both.
I'm 66 and live 3 hours away and am far from isolated; I have a very good life. I am also well-positioned to pay for whatever type of care I need. My plan is to move to Assisted Living or whatever I need near DS and DDIL when I can't live independently in this house. My hope is that he and DDIL will have a serious talk with me if I appear to be failing mentally (and they know this) and that they'll keep an eye on whatever facility I'm in and advocate for me if I can't. Those are the two areas where I feel most vulnerable and would hope that childless seniors would be able to plan for those types of support.
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