Embracing memories or avoiding memories? (beach, vacations, fiancee, retiree)
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Like everyone else, I'd like some do-overs on certain things. At 35, life isn't much different than it was at 25. Same hobbies. I've done a lot of traveling and growth as a person, but day to day, I'm the same guy.
My brother, a year older than me, began to dwell on the past a couple of years before his death. He spoke of old schoolmates and co workers not seen in decades, he looked up many of those people and called them to say he'd been thinking about them, he suffered from depression, and the VA docs had found a tumor on his lung, he died at 67. I'm near my expiration date, no doubt, but I don't dwell on that, nor do I make plans too far out, I've found contentment in my daily life and that's a welcome change.
I've been married three times and from time to time find myself going through those relationship memories more often. But growing up with a severely depressed father, a terribly distracted mother, and four siblings squabbling over what little resources we had, has made for some distasteful memories of my childhood. Luckily I don't have vivid memories, just the thin recollections so common among those who didn't have the best of times as a child. So I'm now 76, and the past seems to be a long time gone.
We all seem to mark time by the passing of holidays and this Christmas I was visiting with my daughter and grandkids and realized I was now the old guy sitting in my chair looking tired but content, a role filled by my grandfather for years, life's a queue it seems, we find ourselves moving along the line, with our memories serving as a distraction to what's happening further up that line. Good or bad, we've lived it, so I don't dwell on much more than thinking about what's for dinner.
I'm 75 and retired 13 years. All the memories I think of are good ones. I play them over in my head constantly like I am dictating my memoirs to myself. Everything from my earliest childhood all the way to the present time. They are all clear to me. I look for a positive spin on all the memories where I overcame a bad situation and came out triumphant. I can't stop reliving past events unless my mind is occupied elsewhere. When a bad memory without a positive spin comes I dismiss it. I have no desire to feel guilt, regret, fear or sadness.
My estranged (my choice) sister died last Friday at 71, sudden extreme leukemia. Along with my "holiday" depression, it brought back many bad memories and more recent ones as to why I chose estrangement. A good thing, it put me in touch with her son, my nephew, which wasn't possible when she was alive. I am feeling refreshed today, with the new year coming (the illusion of a fresh start!) and a revived decision that the past is past.
brightdoglover, hoping you will have a relationship with your nephew, if that is what you would like. You can now let go of the weight on your shoulders regarding your estrangement and know this issue has been "put to rest".
I cannot "do" memories, I begin to go downhill emotionally because all my loved ones, all my good times, all my memories, are gone, never to be experienced again. I was very close to the women in my family, all much older than me. Now I am "head of the food chain", and have a family of only 4 (one child, the spouse and 2 kids). My good memories are up to age 17, after that I met my husband and have pretty much bad memories from that day forward.
I came to my current state as a married, left to go back to my former state as a single 9 years later. Couldn't hack it, everything had changed, my life as I knew it no longer existed in any material form. Plus the pain of a bad marriage hung over me. I was back to my current state, now home, within 5 months.
Whenever a bad memory hits me, I force myself to think "moving forward" and get my attention on something else.
Very kind of you to say, thank you. I wish I had a good past to dwell on, but I think of most of the past as failure. That's probably my base depression's assessment- an honorable failure. I don't know what it would mean to dwell on a good past, maybe just to incorporate the good into the present.
I'm similar to you brightdog. Your last sentence is really good and I'm going to remember it.
So many of these threads should be in the Psychology forum. (like 'Your Preferred Tombstone')
I know no one will agree.
Wallowing in psychological issues (dying, tombstones, embracing or avoiding memories) has nothing to do with Retirement.
So the Retirement forum serves as a 'Senior forum or Aging forum' - and now the 'Psychological Issues of Seniors' forum, along with 'Helping People to Die' forum.
Just my opinion - I know no one agrees - which is okay.
This would make a genius title of a novel. Your comment got to me. I wonder if you'd mind if I use your words for a new thread, giving credit to you.
My reason for wanting to start a thread on this subject is that I have just had some good news and some apparent good luck--and something in me is rebelling against happiness coming so late in life. I'm being honest here as a Christian when I say that I tow the "party line" but was just not born with the faith genes to be an Abraham or Sarah or Job. Having a child, say, at the age of 88 would not magically make me a happy person or atone for the past sixty years. The memories have been too ugly and too intense for too long, and so I keep living a hypocritical but 100% guilt-free life.
So many of these threads should be in the Psychology forum. (like 'Your Preferred Tombstone')
I know no one will agree.
Wallowing in psychological issues (dying, tombstones, embracing or avoiding memories) has nothing to do with Retirement.
So the Retirement forum serves as a 'Senior forum or Aging forum' - and now the 'Psychological Issues of Seniors' forum, along with 'Helping People to Die' forum.
Just my opinion - I know no one agrees - which is okay.
That depends because we have already brought up the point that remembering our past may be beneficial to our aging mentality. Is that not a Retirement forum issue?
Another thing is that question of if we could do it again. Certainly I was not the best ship officer, I made mistakes that cost me. If I could, would I go back and do it again, differently?
Well, no, for two main reasons. Secondly, those mistakes put me in an occupation, Law Enforcement, where I thrive. Primarily, though, had I not made those mistakes, had I not been passed over twice and out of the service, then I would not have been in position to help my Parents, especially my Mother when she really needed me.
Whether things happen for a purpose as the Temporal Gods say or not is debatable but as with the philosophy of one's Life Tapestry, we cannot cherry pick events and believe that nothing else will be affected.
What has gotten us to life at this point is probably very suited to be talked about in Retirement.
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