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The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad grammar and spelling has been left as is.)
o In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
o Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
o Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
o Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
o The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had troubl with the unsympathetic Genitals.
o Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
o Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
o Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
o Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments. The first ammendment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The seventh ammendment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
o Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
o The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to standstill and he obeyed him. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
o David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
o Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives & 700 porcupines.
o When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
o When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
o Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
o St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
o Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
o It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
o The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
o The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
o One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taxi man.
o St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
o A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
For Sale:
The TwoDaLoo features two side-by-side toilet seats with a modest privacy wall in between. I purchased the upgraded version; you know the one that includes a seven inch LCD television and iPod docking station. I will provide my personal play list (should you choose to by her) – songs like “I’m Coming Out” and “You Dropped a Bomb on me” and “Love Stinks” will be just a few.
WEll, I have come to the conclusion that I must sell my TwoDaLoo, and that saddens me. I purchased this baby for my wife. Well, I got for her for Valentine's Day and I really wanted to give her something special, something that I put a lot of thought into, and most importantly something we could do together. I thought what better thing to do together than to poo together. After countless hours of research I found The TwoDaLoo. The TwoDaLoo is billed as the world's first toilet two people can use ... at the exact same time. It’s supposed to bring couples closer together and conserves our water supply all with one flush. My wife was disgusted and hasn't talked to me much since and that was Valentine's Day two years ago. I explained to her that we could be as one if we could rock a big one out together. I can’t think of a better way to end a romantic dinner out. And how cool would Taco Tuesday have been – had she been just a little more open minded. It’s just not the same when you use it alone – and the empty seat next to me just reminds me of her.
I truly hope that someone can use my T for T (toilet for two) and find the happiness that I was so looking for.
Best offer or something of equal value in trade will work.
"I could tell it had been raining cats and dogs...I just stepped in a poodle!"
~~~
Ha ha. London's Daily Star recently held a contest called Britain's Worst Joke Competition, and that was the winner. So to speak. The contest was held to celebrate the return of "The Muppet Show" to British TV, so naturally the winning gag was chosen by none other than Fozzie Bear.
Here are the 10 runners-up...if you can stand it:
Police arrested two kids yesterday--one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other off.
Doctor: Hi there, how can I help you today?
Patient: I think I'm a moth.
Doctor: You don't need to see a doctor, you need to see a psychiatrist!
Patient: I know, but I was passing and your light was on.
Q: Why don't penguins fly?
A: Because they can't afford plane tickets.
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman walk into a pub. The barman says: "Is this some kind of joke?"
Q: What do you call a woman who sets fire to her gas bill?
A: Bernadette.
Q: Did you hear about the cocaine addict who snorted curry powder by accident?
A: He went into a korma.
Q: What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: Carrot!
Q: What do you do if you see a spaceman?
A: Park in it, man.
Q: How do archeologists tell the sex of the skeletons they dig up?
A: All the women have their mouths open.
Q: Why do bees have sticky hair?
A: Because they all use honeycombs.
Well since I am from FL, I thought I should share some dumb FL laws:
Dumb Florida Laws
Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.
It is illegal to skateboard without a license.
You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays.
It is considered an offense to shower naked.
You are not allowed to break more than three dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers.
You may not kiss your wife's breasts.
Penalty for horse theft is death by hanging.
It is illegal to block any traveled wagon road.
*Big Pine Key
-It is illegal to molest a Key deer. If caught one will be fined or will have to go to jail.
Cape Coral
-It is against the city ordinance to hang your clothes outside on a clothesline.
-It it illegal to park a pick-up truck in your driveway or in front of your house on the street. This law is limited to only -those who do not own the house. (Repealed 2000)
Daytona Beach
The molestation of trash cans is banned.
Sec. 10-56. While intoxicated, under influence of narcotics, prohibited. It shall be unlawful for any person to swim or bathe in that portion of the Atlantic Ocean within the corporate limits of the city when under the influence of intoxicating liquor or narcotic drugs to the extent that his or her normal faculties are impaired. (Code 1955, § 28-64)
Sec. 22-44. Storage, depositing prohibited. It shall be unlawful for any person, either as owner, occupant, lessee, agent, tenant, or otherwise, to store or deposit, or cause or permit to be stored or deposited, any abandoned, junked or discarded motor vehicle or motor vehicles upon any public or private property within the city. (Code 1955, § 20-11)
Sec. 18-2. Weeds, trash, etc., as a public nuisance; removal by property owner or by city at owner's expense; notice and hearing; lien for expenses. (a) The existence of weeds, trash, undergrowth, brush, filth, garbage or other refuse on any lot, tract or parcel of land within the city which has caused the property to become, or which may reasonably cause the property to become infested, or inhabited by rodents, vermin or wild animals, or may furnish a breeding place for mosquitoes or threatens the public health, safety or welfare, or may reasonably cause disease or adversely affects and impairs the economic welfare of the adjacent property, is declared to constitute a public nuisance and is hereby prohibited.
Hialeah
Ambling and strolling is a misdemeanor.
Jupiter Inlet Colony Inlet
Sec. 3-1. Bird sanctuary declared. (a) It is hereby declared that all territory embraced within the corporate limits of the municipality shall be a bird sanctuary. (b) It shall be unlawful for any person within the municipality to shoot, trap or in any manner kill, wound or maim any bird of any kind, or at any time to throw at any birds of any kind any missile with slingshots or any other weapon, or to disturb their eggs or their young or their nests. (Ord. No. 8-59, §§ 1, 2, 8-10-59)
Key West
Chickens are considered a 'protected species'.
Miami
It is illegal for men to be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
Sec. 8-3. Bell or other warning device. No person shall operate a bicycle unless it is equipped with a bell or device capable of giving a signal audible for a distance of at least 100 feet, but no bicycle shall be equipped with, nor shall any person use upon a bicycle, any siren or whistle. (Code 1967, § 8-3; Code 1980, § 8-3)
Pensacola
Citizens may not be caught downtown without at least 10 dollars on their person.
It is illegal to roll a barrel on any street, fines go up according to the contents of the barrel.
A women can be fined (only after death), for being electrocuted in a bath-tub because of using self-beautification utensils.
Pinecrest
In order to operate a burglar alarm, a permit must be obtained. Sec. 12-23. Registration required; application; transferability; false statements. (a)All persons must complete and submit to the village an emergency contact registration form for their alarm if they operate or cause to be operated an alarm system in the village. A separate registration is required for each alarm system. Upon receipt of a completed registration form, the police department shall issue a numbered alarm sticker to the applicant to facilitate retrieval of registration information. (Ord. No. 97-17, § 1, 10-14-97)
Sanford
Stage nudity is banned, with the exception of "bona fide" theatrical performances. Violating this ordinance results in a $100 fine.
Sarasota
If you hit a pedestrian you are fined $78.00.
You may not catch crabs.
Tampa Bay
It is illegal to eat cottage cheese on Sunday after 6:00 P.M.
Well since I am from FL, I thought I should share some dumb FL laws:
It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
.
I KNEW we could have gotten rid of bikini girl on American Idol on a technicality! LOL
Good heavens...this just goes to show that politicians have an IQ equal to their age.
I have a new law I'd like to see passed in every state: You cannot add a new law to the books without removing an old one!
Let's all write to our legislators and demand that.
I think there's a law in Arizona that it's illegal to hunt camels. This would be a fun research project for all the states.
Here are some stupid laws "supposedly" still on the books in SD:
- No horses are allowed into Fountain Inn unless they are wearing pants.
- It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory.
- Movies that show police officers being struck, beaten, or treated in an offensive manner are forbidden.
There was one other stupid law, but I found it inappropriate to post here.
Where is this Fountain Inn I wonder?
Also, most of these laws were created way back in the day.
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For Sale
