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Move to the city. If you're a young transplant, West County is not the place to be. The city is more exciting, diverse and progressive. I know people from all over the world who have moved to St. Louis and have tons of friends- they love it here. Seek out cool events and places that interest you, and you'll find an entire community of like-minded people, I assure you. And definitely check out St. Louis Transplants: St. Louis Transplants
I'm sorry you are having a tough time. You probably weren't going to get the greatest response coming in with a long diatribe about how awful and rude we ALL are. You will usually get some version of what you give...hence some of the responses.
I am a native, but why any random person on the street would know that, I don't know. I am in a "rich" suburb, but I'm also married with kids...so I have plenty of transplant friends who are also married with kids...they seem happy. The dynamic of making friends at this age/stage is different. It's easier in some ways (volunteering at school together, kid playdates, sitting through sports, etc. together) and harder in others (the older you are, the more set in your ways plus far less "adult time" to go around). If I was single I'd pick a different area to live in as I wouldn't expect to make a lot of friends in a family oriented sort of area.
I never ask anyone where they went to HS, unless I know they are from here and they look familiar. I.e. I met someone new a few weeks ago, she looked really familiar, so I asked...and we did go to HS together. I haven't been asked in forever either.
I hold doors for people all the time, offer to carry things for older people...and I get the same. I smile at everyone, and I get the same. I say thank you, and I get the same. You get what you give, most of the time. I find people here to be friendly on a general basis...but yeah, there are days where I wonder if everyone got up on the wrong side of the bed too.
I hope you find your way here, or find a place where you feel more at home. Everyone deserves that.
I taught at Mizzou for a few years. Most of my students were from St Louis and most all of them acted like they were something special. I don't blame St Louis, I just blame snobbery and growing up in an affluent area.
I'm sorry you are having a tough time. You probably weren't going to get the greatest response coming in with a long diatribe about how awful and rude we ALL are. You will usually get some version of what you give...hence some of the responses.
I am a native, but why any random person on the street would know that, I don't know. I am in a "rich" suburb, but I'm also married with kids...so I have plenty of transplant friends who are also married with kids...they seem happy. The dynamic of making friends at this age/stage is different. It's easier in some ways (volunteering at school together, kid playdates, sitting through sports, etc. together) and harder in others (the older you are, the more set in your ways plus far less "adult time" to go around). If I was single I'd pick a different area to live in as I wouldn't expect to make a lot of friends in a family oriented sort of area.
I never ask anyone where they went to HS, unless I know they are from here and they look familiar. I.e. I met someone new a few weeks ago, she looked really familiar, so I asked...and we did go to HS together. I haven't been asked in forever either.
I hold doors for people all the time, offer to carry things for older people...and I get the same. I smile at everyone, and I get the same. I say thank you, and I get the same. You get what you give, most of the time. I find people here to be friendly on a general basis...but yeah, there are days where I wonder if everyone got up on the wrong side of the bed too.
I hope you find your way here, or find a place where you feel more at home. Everyone deserves that.
No, I did not mean to imply that I think that every single person in Saint Louis is rude. It's the general feel of the culture, and it is hugely different from anywhere I've been before. It's a significant enough portion of the population to be generally characteristic of the society here. Two separate people have confided in me they needed to see psychiatrists when they moved here because of 'culture shock' and an inability to meet people and make friends. I have never heard of anything like that. Ever. And I have heard others comment on the way St. Louis is, even when I had said nothing about it to begin with. I met one girl--a native--who lived somewhere else for a while, and then moved back. She knew exactly what I was talking about and agreed on every point. Hell, the girl who cut my hair, who is also a native who lived elsewhere, began saying everything to me that I said in my 'diatribe' after I only mentioned I moved here from out of state. Her recommendation was to get out while I can. I did not tell her any of my observations or how I felt about being here. Both of these girls moved back to be closer to their families. These girls and a few others I've met are not people I'd consider to be 'like that'. I can usually tell who is either 1) not from here or 2) spent a significant amount of time living somewhere else before moving back. A good clue is they actually acknowledge my presence in the same space they occupy by like, you know, looking at me, or (God forbid) saying hello. Like people do for each other, you know, everywhere else.
If the people who replied to me here are 'not like that', then my comments don't apply to them. Interesting that they would respond the way they did, instead of from a security that they were indeed friendly people and 'not like' the ones who aren't. Maybe they'd want to prove me wrong?
Since you mentioned you don't ask the high school question, is it then admitted that a good number of others do? That's enough to prove my point. It shouldn't matter where anyone went to high school. At all. Ever. It's not normal and it doesn't happen in other places, not culture-wide. For people to ask that and make judgments based on it seems to indicate that many people here are arrogant, shallow, exclusionary douchebags that don't have a clue.
Most. But not everyone! If you really believe you're not one of those then I'm not talking to you.
I don't blame St Louis, I just blame snobbery and growing up in an affluent area.
I don't blame St. Louis either. What I said was that St. Louis happens to have an unusually high concentration of this kind of thing (snobbery or whatever it is), compared to anywhere else. Anywhere else I've been--I can only speak from personal experience.
It's pretty clear to me that you're just hanging around with the wrong people in the wrong places. Pick up an RFT or Eleven magazine and find some cultural events that interest you. There are a million things to check out on any given night. What are you into? Music? Art? Sports? Stamp collecting? I'd be happy to give you suggestions to help you feel more a part of the community.
As a native to STL and who has lived in TX & now FL- I would agree that St. Louisians are more clickish and judgmental based on the whole high school question. That question tells a St. Louisian a lot about the persons upbringing and possibly attitudes. I grew up in West County and can tell you we were snobby kids that felt entitled.
I have also traveled up East & felt that it was even more close minded than STL.
My suggestion is to give it some time and get to know some folks & get involved with different activities. Maybe go to some happy hours with your co-workers....be a fun person that others want to be around & don't take it personally. I say fk em if the don't like it.
OP -
As a transplant myself now entering my fourth year in STL, I can certainly see some validity in your points. My employer has 412 employees, and I am one of only three transplants (me from ABQ, one from CHI and one from PHI). We often joke about certain peculiarities with local folks.
However, as many here have said, the best thing you can do as a transplant is try to get out and find some common ground. As I am a very active and healthy person, I joined two running clubs and met some terrific people from STL and other transplants.
I made an error in living way out in the County (South) as well - most of the cool amenities here are in the city.
My biggest struggle is at my office, as I supervise four older natives firmly ensconced in their ways. They don't like my high energy level, and I can't connect with them on a personal level because my interests do not include baseball, church or eating mass quantities of astonishingly unhealthy food.
You should go to the upcoming Pet Parade and Soulard Mardi Gras - those are always fun events and a way to meet new people.
The key to happiness is to have a positive outlook and just shrug off any perceived rudeness. I once went to a trivia night with a group and was truly bemused more than anything, thus making it a fun time.
I hope things improve for you. St. Louis is not a bad place, you just have to work a little harder to get people interested and fired up.
I've been in St. Louis now for about 2 years and 9 months. I moved here from Florida to get a job, and I have lived in quite a few other places. I lived in Florida when I was younger, in Ohio during middle and high school years, went to the Navy and lived in Chicago, Washington, D.C., and Japan. I stopped for a while in places like Virginia Beach, San Diego, San Antonio, and San Francisco -- long enough to get an idea of what people are like.
I went ahead and snipped the rest of your post for the sake of time, but what I wanted to bring up is that the majority of places you previously mentioned regularly get transplants, whereas St. Louis does not. This is even more true for the suburban parts of the metro. Those people grew up there, have their own friends, and they're frankly not interested in gaining any more. As others have mentioned, you're going to need to stick your neck out and try various clubs, cultural events, sports teams, etc, in order to meet people with common interests. Being in a popular neighborhood in the city can also help with that.
All of that being said, however, I would never agree that the people of St. Louis are ruder than Chicagoans. It is easier to meet new people up here due to the number of transplants, but I would never agree that people are generally nicer up here.
Thanks everyone for the willingness to help. Maybe I've not done a good job explaining what I'm talking about.
I already understand that there are different activities and interest groups. This isn't really the point of my post. I am more speaking about the general vibe of the culture that I (and others) feel when I (we) go to work or just go to the grocery store. It's just the way people carry themselves--the attitude, or whatever it is--out in public in general. That's got nothing to do with finding a group of people who are into the same stuff I'm into. I'm talking about the general character of the society, and I just wonder why it's so different here than anywhere else I've seen. What exactly is it?
When I wrote 'fitting in', I meant that I'd like to understand the way people think and what's really going on. That way maybe I could get my bearings and find some way to relate to people. I haven't been able to figure out what exactly seems to be shoved up people's behinds. If I could understand that then I'd maybe have some idea of where and how I might find my place. Or maybe there's nothing shoved up people's behinds! Maybe I'm just completely misunderstanding and seeing things the wrong way. That's what I'd like to know. I've not heard much in the way of rebuttal to that opinion. What are people like? What is their worldview, their outlook on life, etc.? What does one person think or like compared to others? Are there really any differences between people here, or are people afraid of differences? I've not had any problems figuring these things out before, so why is it different here? Other places, I can pick up on these things by talking to people, interacting, overhearing, etc. I've been hard pressed to find anyone who cares at all to interact on this level (like I mentioned--people I've talked to acted the next day like they didn't even know me and the conversation never took place), so I'm sorta stuck feeling like an outsider or even a foreigner. And I never overhear people even talking to each other about such things! I'm not just looking for suggestions of what activities to take part in. Does this make sense?
All I can say is what it seems like to me. Maybe I'm totally misperceiving things. That's why I decided to make my post to see what people have to say. And what it seems like to me is that people here, in general, not everyone because I have met a few who are decent and friendly, but in general, people here seem extremely stuck up and arrogant. They don't seem to care a single bit about other people out in public. They will walk in front of you at the grocery store like you're not even there, block the way, not wait for you to fully cross in the cross-walk before nudging or zooming past you in their car (be it Mercedes or Kia), not get over to their side of the drive way in the parking lot but drive in the center instead, condescend, walk around with their nose up like they're better, not look at you, or look away mildly disgusted if you're looking at them, not acknowledge your existence, not be friendly, not say hello or be curious about who you are, where you come from, not care to talk to you, etc... There may very well be laid back and friendly people here and there in St. Louis. My point is that in general, the society here comes off as being far more stuck-up, prideful, smug, shallow, self-centered, condescending, backward, and unfriendly, than anywhere else I've been before. And I don't feel much motivation or enthusiasm to interact with people like that. Who would? I'm not saying it's *only* like this in St. Louis. There certainly are many people like this in other places. It's just much more pronounced and widespread here, and I can find far fewer people who are counter-examples, who are actually friendly and inclusive. If I'm wrong, then what am I missing? What don't I get about St. Louis and its people? Why do some other people I run into say the same things, even when I say nothing about my own opinion?
But maybe it's just me. Maybe there's a screw loose in my head, or I'm just a 'poor flower'. That doesn't seem to me to explain why I notice a stark difference between St. Louis and other places I've been. I would have been just as much of a 'poor flower' in those places too, no? And it doesn't explain why other people seem to get what I'm saying as well.
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